by Harriet Hairston
I’m the type of person that loves assessment quizzes and practical exercises. I like gaining more insight and understanding into my own intricate design as well as that of my marriage.
The book, “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage” by John & Julie Gottman and Joan DeClaire is chock full of these types of quizzes and practical exercises. While I was reading this book, I felt like I was receiving quality marital counseling for the simple low cost of the book (in my case, for the cost of a library card). I have outlined some of the exercises of this book in the comments section, but I wanted to give you the basics they provided on how to establish and maintain a good marriage.
In their studies about marriage, they found two simple truths common to every great marriage they encountered during the course of their 20+ years of marital counseling experience:
1. Happily married couples behave like good friends.
2. Happily married couples handle their conflicts in gentle, positive ways.
Sound too simplistic for your tastes? Personally, I think I overcomplicated things in my own marriage, and the harder I tried to make it great, the worse it got! Getting back to the basics and strengthening the foundation of marriage was paramount for someone like me who likes to over-intellectualize things.
They then outlined the “Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse,” or four behaviors commonly found in marriages that are either struggling or on the brink of divorce. These four negative characteristics made me take a deeper look at my own behavior so I would not allow myself or my marriage to succumb to this type of unnecessary warfare:
1. CRITICISM: complaint or blaming coupled with a global attack on character. This horseman often comes with “You always” and/or “You never” statements (i.e. “You always disregard my feelings,” or “You never pay attention to my needs.”).
2. DEFENSIVENESS: Counterattacks used to defend innocence or avoid taking responsibility for an addressed problem. This often looks like whining or cross-criticism.
3. CONTEMPT = criticism + hostility + disgust. It involves sarcasm, mocking, name calling or belligerence.
4. STONEWALLING: When listeners withdraw from the conversation, offering no physical or verbal clues that they’re affected by what they hear. The proverbial “silent treatment.”
Wow. I can pinpoint many times in the past three months where I’ve been guilty of all of the above. In fact, it’s a wonder Mr. Incredible hasn’t nicknamed me “Stonewall Hairston.” As I write, all I can do is shake my head in shame over how easily it has been to perpetrate these negative attitudes in my marriage.
Obviously I want my marriage to work. Unfortunately, I allowed insanity to set in and really thought that these four things would pose a wake up call to Mr. Incredible. Just as unfortunate was the fact that my antics backfired on me big time.
If the same is true for you, the authors gave four simple antidotes to these four horsemen that could have just as much of a revolutionary change for your marriage–except for the positive instead of the negative:
1. SOFTENED START-UP: This is the ability to start talking about a complaint or problem gently, without criticizing or insulting your spouse. It makes the other spouse more willing to listen, thus making compromise possible.
2. TURNING TOWARDS YOUR SPOUSE: This is called making an “emotional bid.” It’s up to your spouse how he or she responds, but the only positive choice out of three is to turn towards him or her:
- Turn away: ignore the bid
- Turn against: reacting to the bid with anger or hostility
- Turn towards: showing you’re open and engaged, willing to listen to and respond in a healthy manner to the bid.
3. REPAIRING THE CONVERSATION: This is an effort to de-escalate negative feelings during a difficult encounter. An apology, smile or use of humor often breaks the tension felt between spouses and allows communication to continue.
4. ACCEPTING INFLUENCE: Spouses open to persuasion from each other generally have stronger, happier marriages. Being stubborn or domineering has the opposite effect. Studies show this is especially effective when husbands are willing to accept influence from their wives.
All in all, this book is a must have for all couples, especially couples encountering challenges. The thing I love about it is that it makes the complex simple…it turns rocket science into simple addition and subtraction and clears out all the junk that gets in the way.
Like the authors stated, “Many of the changes are small, simple adjustments–not big, complicated ones…small, positive behaviors, frequently repeated, can make a BIG difference in the long term success of a marriage.”
BMWK, are you guilty of perpetrating any of the four mentioned horsemen of the marriage apocolypse? If so, how did you stop the madness and bring harmony back to your marriage? Are there any other suggestions you can make to help combat those four horsemen?
God bless!
Harriet
Jasmine says
I absolutely love this, my husband and I follow these steps all the time. He is truly my best friend and we both consider that before we disagree. I often say we do not fight, not saying we don’t ever disagree but we don’t have fights. My husband and I respect and love each other very much. Great article it should help many.
Tanya M. says
Thank You Harriet for this book; We’ve been married 18 years, and in our mid 40’s and while it hasn’t been wine & roses, we’ve both found that we’re both growing individually & spiritually as well as collectively, and that how we relate to each other now (even without the kids around) is vital to the the “friendship” of our marriage. It’s hilarious how I studied marital &family therapy in grad school, but had difficulty applying it to my own marriage. Thanks for this important topic!
Mrs. Perkins says
Thank you Harriet…I am a 23 year old newlywed, but me and my husband have been together since middle school. We still have trouble settling debates in a positive manner. I will most absolutely have my husband read this because we needed something like this especially with us being so young. This is a blessing. Again thank you.
Jpandlavon says
*puts this book on on library hold*
TMichael Martin says
Hey in marriage everyday is different sometimes we are going to have pit falls and shortcomings. As long as u realize you and your spouse are in this together you will fine the strength and the will to go forward…take that 2 the bank!
HarrietH says
I agree. There are, however, specific studies that have been done to show what helps and what harms marriages in general.
That’s why I’ve been on this kick about marriage being both an ART and a SCIENCE. Yes, every marriage has its own DNA and heartbeat, but just like the human body and DNA needs certain things to survive (i.e. food and water), so does a marriage.
This article was breaking down the science of marriage. It can’t be approached on a fly by night basis, otherwise, just like a ship at sea, it will drift further and further away from shore if not anchored on something solid.
Now we can both take the balance of the art and the science of marriage to the bank! :o) Thanks for the comment! Be blessed!
GeeGee4 says
Harriet, like you I have struggled with the four horseman too. 🙂 It is so hard to be nice and kind when you feel that your needs are not being met. (No Excuse) What God is helping me with is to do my job/role as wife regardless to what my husband do or not do. And let Him(God) deal with my husband. I am trying to think more of my husband’s needs and deliver a kindhearted approach to him..Lord help me.:) Work in progress…. Blessings to everyone