When a failed marriage appears, it seems the de facto reason is the tired “We simply grew apart.”
I used to hear this and wonder, “Well, where were you when the growing was taking place?”
I know now that feeling like you’ve “grown apart” doesn’t happens over days or weeks or even months. It’s a long process that happens so quietly that you look up and across the kitchen table and wonder, “Who is this person?” You don’t have the same goals, you don’t have the same view on what path is best for the family (and you’re not willing to have a rational discussion about it), you don’t share the same joys and the same lows. It’s like you might as well be living in two different households.
I’m relatively young (26) and in a relatively young marriage (almost 5 years in) and it’s been a growing concern of mine. I’m surely going to grow into a different person than I was at 21 when I said “I do.” How do I make sure that as I grow and as my husband grows, we grow in the same direction?
1) It’s not the quantity of time but the quality. When you’re together, are you both on the computer? Are you texting your friends and laughing at their jokes while your spouse is watching TV? Sure, an occasional night or two of that is fine, but you don’t want to get to the point where your Friday night plans more often than not don’t include your significant other.
2) When something upsets you or makes you laugh, who do you call first? Sometimes the situation calls for your sister’s no-nonsense approach to workplace dilemmas, or maybe you and your dad have the exact same sense of humor and you know he’ll get the joke instantly. But if you’re not sharing with your husband the intimate details of your day, then guess what? You’re also not sharing the intimate details of your month, or of your year. Sharing those little things (“Guess what Troy did today at work?”) is what creates that strong bond that can withstand years of togetherness.
3) Take a moment to plan together. Many couples grow apart because they never planned to grow together. She wanted to be a successful businessowner and was okay with being a workaholic. He wanted a large family and a big yard to play catch with his sons. So who is at all surprised when all of a sudden “it’s just not working out”?
What do you do to ensure that you and your spouse continue to grow in the same direction?