When a failed marriage appears, it seems the de facto reason is the tired “We simply grew apart.”
I used to hear this and wonder, “Well, where were you when the growing was taking place?”
I know now that feeling like you’ve “grown apart” doesn’t happens over days or weeks or even months. It’s a long process that happens so quietly that you look up and across the kitchen table and wonder, “Who is this person?” You don’t have the same goals, you don’t have the same view on what path is best for the family (and you’re not willing to have a rational discussion about it), you don’t share the same joys and the same lows. It’s like you might as well be living in two different households.
I’m relatively young (26) and in a relatively young marriage (almost 5 years in) and it’s been a growing concern of mine. I’m surely going to grow into a different person than I was at 21 when I said “I do.” How do I make sure that as I grow and as my husband grows, we grow in the same direction?
1) It’s not the quantity of time but the quality. When you’re together, are you both on the computer? Are you texting your friends and laughing at their jokes while your spouse is watching TV? Sure, an occasional night or two of that is fine, but you don’t want to get to the point where your Friday night plans more often than not don’t include your significant other.
2) When something upsets you or makes you laugh, who do you call first? Sometimes the situation calls for your sister’s no-nonsense approach to workplace dilemmas, or maybe you and your dad have the exact same sense of humor and you know he’ll get the joke instantly. But if you’re not sharing with your husband the intimate details of your day, then guess what? You’re also not sharing the intimate details of your month, or of your year. Sharing those little things (“Guess what Troy did today at work?”) is what creates that strong bond that can withstand years of togetherness.
3) Take a moment to plan together. Many couples grow apart because they never planned to grow together. She wanted to be a successful businessowner and was okay with being a workaholic. He wanted a large family and a big yard to play catch with his sons. So who is at all surprised when all of a sudden “it’s just not working out”?
What do you do to ensure that you and your spouse continue to grow in the same direction?
Niambi says
Wow, great post! When I think about this, i think about how if we are not careful, we could make it easy for the enemy to creep up in our marriages and to try to destroy them just by making subtle suggestions in our minds that we should go to others instead of our spouses first when we make decisions, share intimate thoughts and moments, etc. Like the author said, it’s so easy to call on someone else first when you should be calling on your own spouse…
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
Thanks, Niambi. I try to make sure I share the news of my day with my husband first, even if I think he won’t “get it.” It’s just important to have that connection.
chelleejamz on twitter! says
The entire post can be summed up in the line “Many couples grow apart because they never planned to grow together.” Being a part of a happily, progressive and fulfilling partnership is the result of a deliberate attempt to do just that. Period.
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
“Deliberate” —> that’s the word of the day!
chelleejamz on twitter! says
correction —> *happy
Ayizemaat says
Excellent points Tara. I like the paragraph where you ask “Who do you call first?” That gut level response reveals who and what your priorities are in your life.
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
@Ayize – Exactly. And if you’re calling your mama, your daddy, your cousins, sisters, best friends and THEN your husband? Something’s wrong with that picture.
Happyhomemaker87 says
My husband and I talk about everything!! Whenever one of us has something on our chests, we know that we need to plan a time to talk. We know that our relationship is found and build on our Savior Jesus Christ and we desire to glorify Him through our relationship. So, we try not to allow feelings and things to go on without talking to one another about it.
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
That’s great!
Darken says
This is so true in my life right now. I find myself wondering who this man is when he says he is not the man I need him to be and then find myself even more shocked that he does not want to put in any more effort to continue our marriage because we have grown apart and we are just two different people in our lives.
For those of you who have a spouse/companion in which you can communicate with plan together, spend quality time, and love and laugh together.
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
I hope things get better for you soon. It is true that many couples grow apart, but it doesn’t mean that you can salvage things and turn it around. My prayers are with you!
Niambi says
I am praying for you! Be encouraged for the Word says that what God has put together let no man put asunder. Your marriage will withstand the test of time. I pray your strength in the Lord and know that God is with you at this time and he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Darken says
Thank you very much! And best of growth to everyone
Nia Hughes says
Great Post! I totally agree as I’ve been there. I think all too often the communication breaks down and it’s tough to get back on the same page. It’s easier to do this on the front end and whilst things are going well as opposed to trying to revive it later.
Marie Green says
Thanks Tara Pringle Jefferson ! This is great insight for someone so young. I found in order for you & your spouse to grow together that you do have to share the tiny details of the day daily and check in mentally with your partner on basic issues occasionally. I do this now. I have learned this through experience but I’ll just say…I got it right now and all lessons have been learned. A marriage is a living testament for all the work put into it. So the old saying, “It’s work!” is very true. You can not sit on your laurels and think I have arrived. A Loving Marriage is about keeping the passion alive. It is not something achieved overnight. It is something practiced day-to-day, a little at a time. Think of it as an art project and your constantly adding color, detail, lines, focus into the painting each day. Over time you began to form a real story in your painting that you can see and reflect upon. Therefore, the way to growing together is a proactive and conscience event that happens everyday. 🙂