Never go to bed angry, keep others out of your relationship, and be a freak in the sheets are all marriage tips we’ve heard time and time again.
All are great pieces of advice, but sometimes a bit challenging to execute. Certain behaviors and ways of thinking prevent us from applying the love lessons we’ve learned.
During the planning phase of a wedding, we aren’t usually focused on actual marriage preparation. We may not be thinking future, or about those not-so-easy days. The excitement of a wedding usually overshadows the reality of a marriage.
In the work I do with couples, there are a few shared challenges that continue to come up. It’s not only time we chatted about it, but also created solutions to manage them.
Here is some practical advice on 6 of those common marriage dilemmas.
1. Your spouse is lazy and doesn’t help.
First, list out all of the things that must be done on a daily, weekly and monthly basis in your home. Next to each responsibility add the name of the spouse who currently handles that task. If the lists appears unbalanced, it’s time to chat. This conversation need not be one had out of anger, but out of concern. Neither partner should want to see the other experience burnout or have any resentment.
Remember, you don’t have to pretend to be superhuman and not ask for help.
At the same time, it’s important to be mindful of how we make requests. Asking when it makes sense (not asking a partner who just finished a 12-hour shift at work to help clean something) and being considerate with your tone and energy all make a difference. Our spouse is not one of our children. Another suggestion is to create a chore schedule for the family and stick to it.
When dividing the responsibilities, both partners must be on the same page when it comes to expectations for managing the home and that particular chore.
2. Your spouse doesn’t communicate effectively.
We must teach our spouse how to communicate with us while still remaining sensitive to their style. Together, establish communication goals for the marriage. In order for effective communication to occur, a safe space must first be created.
Active listening, eye contact, acknowledgement, validation and non-judgement must all be present.
If your partner isn’t much of a talker, you probably already knew that, so it shouldn’t be a surprise. This doesn’t mean they aren’t a great listener.
Communicating about every single thing under the sun is overrated. A great listener is better than a great speaker any day. Remember, asking your spouse a thousand and one questions really won’t get them excited about talking to you.
However, your being attentive to their needs by observing and paying attention does. Try sitting face-to-face, looking eye to eye, and holding hands, in silence first. Try to send your partner a message without saying a word.
Pay attention to everything your partner is doing, their body language, and the amount of comfort or discomfort they may be feeling. After a few moments, share what you both felt.
Next, do the same thing, but this time take turns sharing what happened during your day. Now discuss how that felt. Ask your partner what felt more natural and say what felt more natural for you. If there are differences, it’s okay.
Look for ways to connect that make sense for both of you. You’ll both have to try communicating using the other’s style.
3. Your spouse can’t see what they’re doing wrong.
Remind your spouse you can’t grow if you don’t take immediate action in correcting certain behaviors. When having those difficult conversations, we must remember to share our “why”.
Why the issue is so important to us and why it may be having the impact it’s having. Keep in mind a partner who seems to always be the one blamed whenever there are challenges, will always find it difficult to accept that they are the bad guy/girl.
Ease up a little bit, take ownership of your part and again, create a safe space where your partner can do the same. Approaching your partner with a list of internal changes you’d like to make on yourself will be the encouragement they need to own their part.
4. Your spouse is withholding sex.
Be honest about your needs. Get a really clear understanding of why your partner might not be interested in having sex with you. Are they physically tired? A doctor’s visit and vitamins should hopefully improve that.
Are they simply not turned on, or do they not know what you want? It’s so easy to assume your spouse already knows your deepest desires.
Even the best of spouses need to be reminded that intimacy is a necessary part of marriage.
Ask your spouse are they turned on by you. If not, ask what you can do to increase their attraction. Introduce new ideas or positions into the bedroom. Sometimes our love-making just needs a little remodeling. Be willing to make changes without being offended that they are needed.
5. Your spouse is boring.
Your dating life may have been exciting. But now, since the children have arrived, you probably rarely have quality fun time together.
You have to make time for excitement.
Tell your spouse you are bored and remind him/her of all that you used to do in the beginning of your marriage. If you need that back, be the person responsible for bringing it back.
Get creative with date night ideas. Or hang out with other couples who seem to enjoy themselves. Do fun things in your home or even consider hiring a romance secretary to help you plan evenings out. Be proactive, rather than waiting on your spouse to take action.
6 Your spouse is inattentive.
You need attention? You want to know that your spouse is still that into you? Ask for it. Again, it may feel as though your partner should know what you are in need of, but sometimes they don’t. Be honest about why you need the attention.
If it’s because maybe you’ve gained a little weight and aren’t feeling as sexy anymore, share it. If maybe you’re feeling lonely, like you don’t have anyone to talk to about your issues, express that. Don’t suffer in silence.
Provide your partner with an opportunity to do something about your concerns. I am pretty sure it would bother them to know something is lacking in the marriage.
Marriage advice comes in all shapes and sizes. In order to experience the best marriage possible for you and your partner, be willing to apply some of the lessons you’ve learned along the way. Remember, our marriage challenges are temporary, but only if we take action.
BMWK, what advice would you add to this list?