Have you ever lied, used your words inappropriately, or did something to your spouse you now deeply regret? We’ve all been there at some point, where a decision we made was more self-serving than it was beneficial to the relationship. Watching a spouse deal with and process that hurt is heartbreaking for anyone who truly cares about the person they’re involved with. The natural response is to fix it. But there are a few things we must keep in mind as we head down the road of regret, forgiveness and relationship repair. I have witnessed healing happen in the most challenged of marriages. It is possible. There are some actions that must be taken in order to move the relationship forward. Every couple should keep the following in mind:
Saying “I’m only human” isn’t a strong enough excuse or argument. Remember, your partner is only human too and still able to make the right decisions at the right time. Not only will it not go over well, it might actually backfire. To be honest, it’s lame and no one wants to hear it. Individuals want to hear that they are worth a sacrifice, Whether it’s fighting temptation or biting your tongue in order not to say something hurtful, sacrifices are usually a good sign in a relationship.
Performing a self-assessment in order to discover how you ended up in this situation is another vital action. The one thing you should avoid is having the behavior or choice repeated and ultimately lead to the end of your relationship. Again, this is a self-assessment and shouldn’t involve anyone but you. This step isn’t about pointing fingers, it’s about soul searching to discover the truth about who you are and why you act the way you do.
Another great step to take is recognizing their feelings are valid. Even if it makes no sense to you, if your partner is hurting, it affects you as well. Belittling or acting as though it isn’t that big of a deal is damaging to your partner and the relationship. It’s unrealistic and a tad bit selfish to expect someone to just get over their feelings.
Apologizing for your behavior is key. Although this one is listed last, it’s actually one that should happen throughout the discussion. Declaring we didn’t mean it is nothing if we don’t express our regret and ask for forgiveness. Thinking about a time you’ve been hurt and what you needed to heal will better prepare you for how to handle the situation with your partner. Apologizing and feeling deeply remorseful is the beginning of healing.
I remember making a decision years ago as I looked into my husband’s eyes. I decided I would never be responsible for hurting him in anyway. As I made that one of the goals in my marriage, I now have to be conscious of the decisions I make and how I communicate with him, If I’m hurtful or sloppy in the way I treat him, my relationship will be on a fast track to disaster. Being aware and mindful of our tongues leaves less of a chance, we’ll have something to be remorseful for later.
BMWK, how have you handled the mistakes you’ve made in your relationship?