by Harriet Hairston
“Let’s talk about sex, baby. . .”
And truly, if we don’t talk with our babies about it, they will be hearing the discussion from someone else eventually. When I was growing up, I was deathly afraid of having sex. My mom described it in terms of me getting pregnant, like the two could not be separated. Then she described labor like, “something the size of a watermelon forcing its way through something the size of a small grape.”
Yeah. . .I stayed a virgin more because of that than wanting to please God. I just have to be real about it!
As I got older, I noticed a mysterious double standard taking place in my house. As my older brother and I began to grow and mature, he got a totally different conversation than I did. Case in point: my brother (a year older than me) was getting ready to leave home to go to college. As he was leaving, my dad sat him down and gave him a box of condoms. My father wanted to make sure he knew to “wear your umbrella when it’s raining, boy.”
So about nine months later, my turn comes around. I’m rearing to go, my father is trying to talk me into staying closer to home, but I’m ready to assert my independence. Then, ceremonially, my father sat me down as well. I chuckled to myself because I knew I was going to get a box of condoms and a speech. Well, the condoms didn’t make it, but the speech did: “Now, sugah [that’s what Pops called me], you know you’ll always be my little girl. Your purity is of the utmost importance, because what you have, you can only give away once. I want to have the privilege of telling the man I give you away to that he will be your first, and hopefully your last. Do your daddy proud so I won’t have to give away damaged goods.”
“Damaged goods?!?”
Anyway, I can look back on those days and laugh, because both my brother and I waited longer than the average teenagers to have sex. I tried it a few times and decided it wasn’t worth the hassle of wondering if I was going to be diseased or pregnant in the end (oh. . .you didn’t know condoms and birth control weren’t 100% effective?).
But looking back on my Pop’s approach to talking to us about sex (that wasn’t our first conversation, but it was the only conversation my Pop had with us where I felt like I was treated without equity), it makes me think about how Mr. Incredible and I will do things differently with our children when it comes down to talking about sex:
Do we:
- Demonize it, making them feel like if they ever even think about having sex, they’re going to go to hell?
- Dirty it, making them feel like sex is “Eeeww, nasty!” In my mind, when they decide to get married, their wives are going to be pretty pissed off with us because we have made sex a bad thing.
- Defile it, making them think sex is OK any which way but loose, making casual something that supposed to be sacred?
- Dramatize it, painting the picture that if they ever allow their penis out of their pants to do more than piss or get with their wives, they are going to set themselves up for a life full of drama and misery?
To be honest, if all of the above are going to keep my sons from engaging in illicit or premarital sex, then I’m all for it.
That’s what my “lost” mind would tell me, anyway.
Her voice screams loud and clear to take the easy way out and not worry about the consequences. “Besides,” she says. “You have boys. . .girl, let the parents of those girls worry about what to tell their daughters about preventing pregnancy.”
Yeah. . .I’m not planning on being “THAT” grandmother who has to raise my son’s kids because his peter is out of control. Not my cup of tea AT ALL.
I want to discuss the “birds and the bees” with them the way I would have loved for it to have been discussed with me:
- Describe it. No, I’m not talking about in erotique noire/Zane detail, but general terms regarding what goes where and how each sexual organ works.
- Defend its original value. I pray my sons remain virgins until they get married. Neither my husband nor I were, but we had been celibate for over 5 years each. We found out too late that the drama associated with having sex outside of marriage was not worth it.
- Maintain an open door policy, where they won’t feel like they cannot talk to us about the changes their bodies are going through when approached with sexual arousal (and it’s gonna happen sooner or later).
- Teach them to DISCIPLINE their DESIRES and disregard momentary pleasure for the bigger picture of love and marriage.
All in all, I’m half facetious and half serious when I say I want to tell them, “No dating until you’re married.” There’s some merit to that viewpoint, in my opinion. LOL
So, BMWK, how do you plan to talk about sex with your kids? How was it discussed with you?
God bless!
~ Harriet