by Harriet Hairston
“Let’s talk about sex, baby. . .”
And truly, if we don’t talk with our babies about it, they will be hearing the discussion from someone else eventually. When I was growing up, I was deathly afraid of having sex. My mom described it in terms of me getting pregnant, like the two could not be separated. Then she described labor like, “something the size of a watermelon forcing its way through something the size of a small grape.”
Yeah. . .I stayed a virgin more because of that than wanting to please God. I just have to be real about it!
As I got older, I noticed a mysterious double standard taking place in my house. As my older brother and I began to grow and mature, he got a totally different conversation than I did. Case in point: my brother (a year older than me) was getting ready to leave home to go to college. As he was leaving, my dad sat him down and gave him a box of condoms. My father wanted to make sure he knew to “wear your umbrella when it’s raining, boy.”
So about nine months later, my turn comes around. I’m rearing to go, my father is trying to talk me into staying closer to home, but I’m ready to assert my independence. Then, ceremonially, my father sat me down as well. I chuckled to myself because I knew I was going to get a box of condoms and a speech. Well, the condoms didn’t make it, but the speech did: “Now, sugah [that’s what Pops called me], you know you’ll always be my little girl. Your purity is of the utmost importance, because what you have, you can only give away once. I want to have the privilege of telling the man I give you away to that he will be your first, and hopefully your last. Do your daddy proud so I won’t have to give away damaged goods.”
“Damaged goods?!?”
Anyway, I can look back on those days and laugh, because both my brother and I waited longer than the average teenagers to have sex. I tried it a few times and decided it wasn’t worth the hassle of wondering if I was going to be diseased or pregnant in the end (oh. . .you didn’t know condoms and birth control weren’t 100% effective?).
But looking back on my Pop’s approach to talking to us about sex (that wasn’t our first conversation, but it was the only conversation my Pop had with us where I felt like I was treated without equity), it makes me think about how Mr. Incredible and I will do things differently with our children when it comes down to talking about sex:
Do we:
- Demonize it, making them feel like if they ever even think about having sex, they’re going to go to hell?
- Dirty it, making them feel like sex is “Eeeww, nasty!” In my mind, when they decide to get married, their wives are going to be pretty pissed off with us because we have made sex a bad thing.
- Defile it, making them think sex is OK any which way but loose, making casual something that supposed to be sacred?
- Dramatize it, painting the picture that if they ever allow their penis out of their pants to do more than piss or get with their wives, they are going to set themselves up for a life full of drama and misery?
To be honest, if all of the above are going to keep my sons from engaging in illicit or premarital sex, then I’m all for it.
That’s what my “lost” mind would tell me, anyway.
Her voice screams loud and clear to take the easy way out and not worry about the consequences. “Besides,” she says. “You have boys. . .girl, let the parents of those girls worry about what to tell their daughters about preventing pregnancy.”
Yeah. . .I’m not planning on being “THAT” grandmother who has to raise my son’s kids because his peter is out of control. Not my cup of tea AT ALL.
I want to discuss the “birds and the bees” with them the way I would have loved for it to have been discussed with me:
- Describe it. No, I’m not talking about in erotique noire/Zane detail, but general terms regarding what goes where and how each sexual organ works.
- Defend its original value. I pray my sons remain virgins until they get married. Neither my husband nor I were, but we had been celibate for over 5 years each. We found out too late that the drama associated with having sex outside of marriage was not worth it.
- Maintain an open door policy, where they won’t feel like they cannot talk to us about the changes their bodies are going through when approached with sexual arousal (and it’s gonna happen sooner or later).
- Teach them to DISCIPLINE their DESIRES and disregard momentary pleasure for the bigger picture of love and marriage.
All in all, I’m half facetious and half serious when I say I want to tell them, “No dating until you’re married.” There’s some merit to that viewpoint, in my opinion. LOL
So, BMWK, how do you plan to talk about sex with your kids? How was it discussed with you?
God bless!
~ Harriet
The “discussion” that I had with my parents was, “Be safe”. We never talked about the mechanics or any of the emotional aspects of sex. I remember one of my relatives giving me a condom and telling me to be safe for my 14th birthday. I remember putting it in my wallet but having no idea what I was supposed to do with it.
The plan with our kids involves multiple age appropriate discussions. My oldest is 7 and we have had the discussion about the differences between boys and girls. at times. We also have several god-children whom we have had more involved discussions. We have talked about the emotional/physical impacts for sex. As Christians we share with them what God’s word says about sex, that it is good and designed as part of marriage. We have had wonderful discussions with them, cried with them, and hopefully given them good counsel. Our oldest god-child will be 19 this year and we have been having these conversations since she was 13 the rest range is age from 15 down to 4.
Thanks for another great post.
The “discussion” that I had with my parents was, “Be safe”. We never talked about the mechanics or any of the emotional aspects of sex. I remember one of my relatives giving me a condom and telling me to be safe for my 14th birthday. I remember putting it in my wallet but having no idea what I was supposed to do with it.
The plan with our kids involves multiple age appropriate discussions. My oldest is 7 and we have had the discussion about the differences between boys and girls. at times. We also have several god-children whom we have had more involved discussions. We have talked about the emotional/physical impacts for sex. As Christians we share with them what God’s word says about sex, that it is good and designed as part of marriage. We have had wonderful discussions with them, cried with them, and hopefully given them good counsel. Our oldest god-child will be 19 this year and we have been having these conversations since she was 13 the rest range is age from 15 down to 4.
Thanks for another great post.
When I ask my mom about sex I was 13 and she told me that it only take one time to get pregnant and that was it. I went to my dad and he look like he was going to faint but he told me to go to the library I can learn alot there and I did. At least I did not listen to my peers and I educated myself. Then I made a promise that when I become a parent that I would talk to my children about sex.
My mother did not talk about sex at all. She only told me about my period and the fact that I could then get pregnant. She tried to ask me if I did it probably once. But the timing was off. I felt so umcomfortable talking to her anyway that I never really tried to discuss much of anyhting other than family matters and that didn’t go well.
If I ever have kids I will talk to them about almost everything at the age appropriate time or at times that the subject presents itself. Male and female will be equipped by me with the same info. I would hate for my male child to get his info on females from the abundance of men with destructive ideas. It would be better if he got it from me.
If my girl child is anything like me I wouldn’t have to worry about her much. But who knows when the genes combine what will happen.
Wow at the comments. I too got a book. LOL. I did not do that w/my kids. I let them know the emotional affects. I let them know that if you think you are grown up enough to have sex you are grown up enough to ask me to get you birth control. There are so many opportunities that some parents don’t take advantage of talking to their kids about sex. Turn on the tv, drive by a bill board. Sex ads are everywhere. I became Grannie Annie(I love my granddaughter so much) in Dec. my son is 22. All the safe sex, wait for marriage talk is sometimes unrealistic. I told my son that I want all the money I spent buying condoms reinbursed. LOL. Sex happens. We have to tell our kids that it’s emotional and beautiful and there are end results. I think if we keep our kids busy w/ activities after school, ask them about homework and go over it w/them, they don’t have too much free time. LOL. I did not become a grandma when one of my kids was 12 or 16. I watch teen moms w/my last born. She is not a teen but that show does show the fustration of motherhood. Most kids have sex out of boredom, and the parents are not home. I am not a fan of putting a girl on BC at the age of 13. If you think your child is sneaky and fast tailed, sit down and have “The Talk”. Most kids that get attention from their parents don’s want to disappoint them. I know two girls who are/were on BC at 13. They are “bloated” not from pregnancy, but from the hormone pill/shot. Talking to kids about sex is not that complicated. I started when my kids were in the womb. LOL. The early we(parents) talk about it, the easier it gets. If you want to devert a kid from having sex, tell them that you still have sex. Most kids think their parents are “ancient”. LOL.
Thank you Harriet for this post. I really like your four tips on how to broach this topic. I’m “slowly” preparing myself to have “the conversation” with our 8 soon to be 9 year old son. And to be quite honest i’m a little bit nervous. Aiyana has been nudging me for a few months now to sit him down….so i’ve decided when he turns 9 on October 20th I am going to have “the conversation”. Thanks again Harriet for putting this topic on my table and giving me a sensible way to tackle it. —–This is Ayize.
For me, the conversation forced its way into my life when my three year old son was taking a shower. He said, “Mommy, I’m washing my tail.” Of course, I thought by “tail,” he meant he was washing his behind like I told him to. But when I went to help dry him off, he pointed to his penis and said, “My tail is clean.”
OMG…I don’t know who told him his penis was a tail, but as I lotioned him up and got him ready for bed, we had a nice chit chat about genetalia and its proper terminology. That’s about as age appropriate as you can get with a three year old, but I know as he gets older, I’ll bring in the same things that Gods_man discussed.
Thanks for all the great feedback!
I remember at 8 or 9, I had friends that were already having sex, and that was literally decades ago. Can you imagine how much more exposure kids are having today? That’s why I appreciate my parents for stepping in and having conversations with me about it, even if I didn’t necessarily agree entirely with their approach. They were the main influence on my sexual decisions until I grew up and was able to judge for myself what I should or shouldn’t do.
You can do it!!!
The sex talk I got was pretty much- “Just don’t do it because it’s a sin” and maybe the occasional “Don’t let boys pressure you to have sex.” Growing up in church that’s really all we ever heard and I don’t think there is any coincidence that the majority of my church peer group ended up with babies out of wedlock. With my daughter and I it has been an ongoing conversation starting from a young age by teaching the difference between boys and girls and gradually as she gets older so that it’s never felt like “the talk”, but more that we just have an open dialogue where she can ask questions whenever and not feel uncomfortable. I agree with Anna that there are a lot of opportunities to talk about it. If we hear something on the radio or see something on tv I’ll take the time just to talk to her about what she knows or thinks etc.
As my children get older I would like our conversations to center around responsible decision making i.e. birth control, finding the right mate, not being promiscuous etc. I will teach them that waiting until marriage is ideal, at the same time I realize that it isn’t the only option so I think it’s my responsibility to teach them as much as I can so that they can make the best decisions on whatever path they choose to take.