‘I’m done! I can barely breathe, walk, and see at the same time.’ That’s how I feel when ‘quit’ sets in 45-minutes into my hour-long boot camp-style workout class. Then I say to myself,
If you ain’t tired…then you ain’t working hard enough.
That motivates me to keep going…understanding that pain and exhaustion is a part of what I signed up for.
This is the same thing I tell married men who be complaining…talking ‘bout, “I’m tired”, “I’m exhausted”, “I’m done”.
C’mon son!!! If you ain’t racking your brain trying to figure out how the heck to make your marriage work…then you ain’t working hard enough…playa! Surely you didn’t think you’d sail smoothly into years 5…10…15+ devoid of any problems or having to put in work to solve them?!?!
I’ve found that married couples have unrealistic expectations about what problems, craziness, and drama will jump off in their marriage. But when reality hits them like a blitzing linebacker, and pain and exhaustion sets in, it takes a lot of determination to get passed all the craziness and drama to make their marriage work.
What I found successful for me is to expect and welcome the unknown problems, craziness, and drama. I embrace the emotional roller coasters, frustrations, and set-backs. Not because I like them, nor because of some fairy-tale reason like, ‘My love for her makes it all worth it in the end’.
MAN WHATEVER! That’s that bull they feed you at marriage conferences.
But it’s because I learned that if I wanted to have a successful marriage, I would have to take the lead in doing these three things:
1. Give Myself Up for Her
When Paul wrote instructions for husbands to the church in Ephesus, he said “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” Ephesians 5:25-27
2. Be Considerate of Her
Peter wrote regarding husbands, “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” 1 Peter 3:7
3. Sacrifice Myself for Her
Lastly John’s set the tone for what a husband’s love should look like in marriage. He wrote, “This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” 1 John 4:9-11
I’m not trying to be all preachy, but before I got married I came to understand that marriage is going to involve a lot of things I’m not going to expect, like, or understand…from life and my wife. And if I want to stay happily married, I need to be prepared to 1) give up myself for her, 2) be considerate of her – meaning that men aren’t normally considerate of their wives…so Peter had to tell husbands to be considerate, and 3) if I say I love her, then I’m going to have to sacrifice who I am and what is rightfully mine (like Jesus did)…for her benefit, while receiving no benefit of my own…other than the opportunity to offer the sacrifice.
With 16 years of doing this under my belt, what I’ve found is, if I fail to do these three things, my wife is not happy. But most importantly, God is not pleased and He won’t answer my prayers until I start doing them (refer to last line in #2 above). So what I’ve learned to do is when sacrificial opportunities present themselves, with authority, I assume my role and responsibility as the husband, grit my teeth, and do my duty.
Is your lack of consideration causing God to frustrate your marriage? Have you given enough of yourself to your wife? Is God not answering your pleas for help in your marriage because you’re not sacrificing enough for the one you say you love?
I’m not accusing you of these things. I’m just highlighting potential reasons why you’re experiencing marital problems. Judge for yourself if your negligence caused them. And if it did, let me share with you the first thing I always do to fix them. It usually starts out with me being frustrated with my wife about something she’s not doing…and I want to tell her about herself.
The first thing I do is check to see what I’m not doing to and for God. After all, if the church is the bride of Christ, then technically, I’m Christ’s wife. And if I’m not being a good wife to Christ, then maybe…just maybe…God is making me feel about my wife…what he feels about me. (I don’t have any scripture for this, but that’s what I believe.)
So, as the head of my household, I have to first make sure I’m doing what God wants me to do for Him…before I step to my wife and complain about what she’s not doing for me.
But here’s the kicker. Whatever I realize I’m not doing for God…when I start doing it…the problem I was complaining about my wife not doing goes away. No lie! So maybe, as the husband, to fix the problems in your marriage, you need to fix what you’re not doing in God’s eyes first…before you step to your wife about fixing what she’s not doing in your eyes.
BMWK – How have problems, craziness, and drama affected your marriage? And whatcha gonna do about it?!?!