Alright girl. Here’s the deal: You can’t control who is attracted to you. But, when you notice that you have a pattern of attracting men who are old enough to be your father (or grandfather), there’s a chance that there may be something you’re doing, which is causing these frustrating dating results.
As a dating coach, I’ve worked with some women in their 30s who only seemed to get attention from men in their 50s or 60s, and I’ve helped them turn things around with these three tips.
1. Re-Position Yourself in the Right Dating Pools
How are you meeting men? Are you waiting for them to approach you at grocery stores and gas stations? Are you going to singles’ meetups or trying speed dating events? Are you using online dating sites that have a big pool of the kinds of men you want to meet?
I’m asking you these questions because you have to think very strategically about where you’re going to show up if you want the right man to find you! For example, you may have to adjust your online dating site settings so that you show up in the daily matches of the men you desire. I’ve noticed that some men in their late 30s and mid 40s write that they are looking for women in their 20s (true story!) To get their attention, you may have to make the first move and say hello first.
I know that may go against everything you’ve been taught about how this love thing is supposed to happen. You feel like making the first move means you’re being too aggressive or acting thirsty, but the truth is, you often just have to say “hi” to get that brotha to look your way! This requires a mindset shift, which is the FIRST step in turning on the right attraction switch.
2. Master The Art of Attraction
Understanding the art of attraction is different from being an attractive woman. Attraction isn’t about clothes, hairstyles or personality types. You could be an introvert who wears a burlap sack, but if you know how to attract men, it wouldn’t matter.
Now, that isn’t to say you don’t need to be aware of your image and wear clothes that fit your body type, compliment your skin tone and make you feel amazing. In fact, image consulting is a part of my coaching and matchmaking memberships. But that’s just part of the OUTER work you need to do to attract a high quality man’s attention.
You need to do some inner work on your heart because attraction is about energy, and energy is emotions in motion. If you’re sending out the wrong emotions like defensiveness, insecurity or apathy, you could repel the kind of men you want to attract.
For example, one sista told me it felt like all the good brothers completely ignored her and the only men giving her attention were white men. The more she talked about it, the angrier she got because she was assuming these black men just didn’t want black women. As she animatedly told me the story, her neck was rolling, her hands were on her hips and her lips were smacking. I asked her if that’s how she felt on the inside when a man was approaching her. “Yes,” she responded. “I”m thinking to myself, here we go again. I’m gonna to see if he’s going to say something to me.”
Truth be told, a man can pick up on the vibes you’re sending without you saying a word, just like you can smell insecurity on a man when he walks into a room. You’ve got to start paying attention to how your thoughts are shaping your feelings and how that affects how you show up to men!
One of my clients took this advice to heart and began working on being more open and vulnerable. She shared this feedback with me:
“So I asked one of the guys I’m dating what he likes most about our connection, and he replied ‘Vibes Vibes Vibes.’ I asked what he meant, and he said ‘Your energy is so refreshing, and I like that we connect on so many different levels!’ I say this to say that the “energy” that Dr. Aesha talks about is R E A L as heck! They can pick up on the energy that we put out and can shift the direction of any relationship. The lightness I feel is amazing and, I’m focused on staying that way.”
3. Adjust Your Expectations
I know you always imagined being the Michelle to someone’s Barack, but some of your frustration could be coming from the fact that you want men who don’t really want you.
Sit with that for a second. I’m not saying that you need to date someone who is 60 years old if that’s not what you want. I am saying that you may have some unrealistic expectations about men and what they’re looking for.
For example, some men in their 40s who are ready to settle down and have a family are looking for women they perceive will be able to have more than one child, but who won’t feel rushed by her fertility clock in order to do so. (That’s just SOME men, not all). They unfairly judge you at 38 as being too close to the end of your fertility, and so they decide to date women who are younger than you.
The man who is 50 and is thinking about re-marrying (or marrying for the first time), has a different set of criteria he’s looking for. He wants someone who is beautiful, ready to travel the world and who won’t pressure him to have children. To this man, you are a great catch!
You can get angry about it. You can feel frustrated by it. You can go on a man-bashing rant about it. But none of that will change the realities you’re facing. A better approach would be to make a few adjustments in your preferences list, and then focus on the values you desire in a mate.
Maybe that means you’ll be open to dating someone who is 10 years older than you, as long as he is youthful, attractive and meets your relationship requirements. My point is to focus less on a man’s age and more on the fact that the man you should want is the man who wants you and makes you feel like you are a blessing to him. You can open up the age range you’re looking to date just a bit, go out with a few men who are a bit older than you expected, and then see what it feels like. Pay attention to what you like and what you don’t like when you’re with them, and then make your decisions from there.
Adjusting your expectations is about opening up your dating pool to let more men in, and then you can be selective about who you choose to date. You’ll be confident that you’ll be with a man who adores and cherishes you. That’s what really matters, right?
BMWK single ladies, are you open to dating older men? Why?