An interesting question was posed to my wife, that she and I discussed in depth (I listened mostly). This question goes deep into what a wife desires most in her husband. The question: If you had to choose one of the following two qualities in your husband, which would it be? Would you want him to be a good friend, or a good provider? Let’s take a look at the difference before you state your choice.
Why do I have to choose?
From a husband’s perspective, it can be very challenging to balance, or be both. Making it more difficult is today’s economy and it’s financial impact on marriages and families. Many traditional roles of husband and wife have been turned around, turned inside-out, and turned upside-down.
It is a battle that we, husbands, fight every single day. Some men may have given up the fight, and just focused on the one they do best or are most comfortable with. But if it were up to our wives, which one is most important? Which one would the wives want most? This question applies to singles as well, and is something that must be considered when making a commitment in marriage.
The Good Friend Husband
This is the husband that is there. He is present in all areas. He is there to spend time with you and the kids. He contributes around the house, or is “domestic sexy” as my wife says. You have a relationship built on communication. When the work that he does, whatever or wherever that may be, is done for the day, he is hanging out with you. You truly feel you know him intimately, and he knows you intimately, because of the quality time you spend together. When you have a question, a thought, or something to say, your first choice is to speak to him.
However, when it comes to providing he is falling a little short. You may not be sure if you will have money to pay the bills. If he still has a job, this job may not be paying what is needed to fully support your family’s lifestyle. Your date night primarily consists of putting the kids to bed and watching a movie at home because there is no money available to go out. Your friends are talking about their regular vacations, but you have yet to go on one due to a lack of finances. Your financial future, your family lifestyle, is filled with a lot of uncertainty.
The Good Provider Husband
This guy has it going on in his career, and his lifestyle shows it. There is never any doubt that all of your needs, the kids needs, and the needs of the household are met. Not only that, but your wants are met as well. You shop at the Whole Foods Market instead of Walmart, your clothes and your kids clothes are all designer brands. Weekend shopping trips with your girlfriends and/or your kids are funded and happen regularly. You take trips practically when you want. You have the option to grow a career for yourself, or stay at home. Any income you earn is not needed for the household, it is just extra, so you can walk away from the career at any time.
Although he is “that guy” in the career front, and providing a great lifestyle for your family, he is rarely present. Physically, emotionally, or mentally. The career that provides so much for you and your family keeps him gone on a regular basis. When he is not working, he is unwinding, talking about work, or hanging with the fellas. The time spent away, makes it sometimes awkward when you talk. Your girlfriends know more about what goes on in your house and with your children than he does. It has been months since you’ve shared an intimate experience that is desirable to you.
Choose Only One…
When my wife answered this question, of course she answered “both!” But as I mentioned earlier, sometimes both is not an option. When you choose, you are choosing what qualities you value most in your husband. I believe it is an interesting paradox that many couples are faced with today.
It can take so much out of a husband to provide financially for his family, that he sometimes must make sacrifices that keep him from the wife and family he is working to provide for. On the other hand, a husband may say forget the high paying career so I can spend as much quality time, and create as many teachable, yet fun, moments with my family as possible. Doing so may limit his career and financial options. If you had to choose one…what would your choice be?
Question: Do you find this to be a common challenge in marriages and relationships today? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.