An interesting question was posed to my wife, that she and I discussed in depth (I listened mostly). This question goes deep into what a wife desires most in her husband. The question: If you had to choose one of the following two qualities in your husband, which would it be? Would you want him to be a good friend, or a good provider? Let’s take a look at the difference before you state your choice.
Why do I have to choose?
From a husband’s perspective, it can be very challenging to balance, or be both. Making it more difficult is today’s economy and it’s financial impact on marriages and families. Many traditional roles of husband and wife have been turned around, turned inside-out, and turned upside-down.
It is a battle that we, husbands, fight every single day. Some men may have given up the fight, and just focused on the one they do best or are most comfortable with. But if it were up to our wives, which one is most important? Which one would the wives want most? This question applies to singles as well, and is something that must be considered when making a commitment in marriage.
The Good Friend Husband
This is the husband that is there. He is present in all areas. He is there to spend time with you and the kids. He contributes around the house, or is “domestic sexy” as my wife says. You have a relationship built on communication. When the work that he does, whatever or wherever that may be, is done for the day, he is hanging out with you. You truly feel you know him intimately, and he knows you intimately, because of the quality time you spend together. When you have a question, a thought, or something to say, your first choice is to speak to him.
However, when it comes to providing he is falling a little short. You may not be sure if you will have money to pay the bills. If he still has a job, this job may not be paying what is needed to fully support your family’s lifestyle. Your date night primarily consists of putting the kids to bed and watching a movie at home because there is no money available to go out. Your friends are talking about their regular vacations, but you have yet to go on one due to a lack of finances. Your financial future, your family lifestyle, is filled with a lot of uncertainty.
The Good Provider Husband
This guy has it going on in his career, and his lifestyle shows it. There is never any doubt that all of your needs, the kids needs, and the needs of the household are met. Not only that, but your wants are met as well. You shop at the Whole Foods Market instead of Walmart, your clothes and your kids clothes are all designer brands. Weekend shopping trips with your girlfriends and/or your kids are funded and happen regularly. You take trips practically when you want. You have the option to grow a career for yourself, or stay at home. Any income you earn is not needed for the household, it is just extra, so you can walk away from the career at any time.
Although he is “that guy” in the career front, and providing a great lifestyle for your family, he is rarely present. Physically, emotionally, or mentally. The career that provides so much for you and your family keeps him gone on a regular basis. When he is not working, he is unwinding, talking about work, or hanging with the fellas. The time spent away, makes it sometimes awkward when you talk. Your girlfriends know more about what goes on in your house and with your children than he does. It has been months since you’ve shared an intimate experience that is desirable to you.
Choose Only One…
When my wife answered this question, of course she answered “both!” But as I mentioned earlier, sometimes both is not an option. When you choose, you are choosing what qualities you value most in your husband. I believe it is an interesting paradox that many couples are faced with today.
It can take so much out of a husband to provide financially for his family, that he sometimes must make sacrifices that keep him from the wife and family he is working to provide for. On the other hand, a husband may say forget the high paying career so I can spend as much quality time, and create as many teachable, yet fun, moments with my family as possible. Doing so may limit his career and financial options. If you had to choose one…what would your choice be?
Question: Do you find this to be a common challenge in marriages and relationships today? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.
But who says both can’t be an option? When we’re dating someone, shouldn’t we examine all of his traits first to see that there’s a healthy balance?
I wouldn’t have picked either of these two. I looked for a man who saw himself as both a good provider and good friend.
Thanks for sharing Lisa. Yes, you can have both! 🙂 I do believe we as husbands should strive for, and can be both. The reason why I said “choose only one” is because the question posed to my wife was presented as that, and that was the backdrop of this post. I like that though…you were like I’m not settling! 🙂
LOL, exactly Jackie! There are good men who definitely exemplify both!
I see what the other posters are saying about the “good friend” coming off better than the “good provider.” The good friend can be just as devastating to the marriage though… I didn’t marry for money and I never needed a rich man, but a man with a strong work ethic will find a way to provide the best he can for his family and won’t settle for doing the least possible. If he is constantly falling short, I’d have to ask why? Is he wasteful with the family money? Is he satisfied with the lowest-paying job he can get and not willing to work a little harder (or go back to school) to improve his earning capacity? If he’s temporarily unemployed because of layoffs and recessions, is he trying to get back out there and find another job, or taking odd jobs in the meantime?
If he’s not making much of an effort to provide to the best of his ability and is always falling short, that doesn’t say much about his character. He doesn’t need to provide a “great” lifestyle, but he should be doing enough so that his family isn’t always on the brink of financial crisis either.
Good points…and good questions to dig deeper and find out what REALLY is going on! 🙂 Thx for sharing, I’ve enjoyed your comments.
I would choose the Good Friend husband and use my gifts to help financially support the family vision. This is what the Proverbs 31 woman did. With open, honest communication, we can agree on how that’s best accomplished, whether I work from home or in the work place. An emotionally distant man would not be an option for me.
Thanks for sharing Melissa. Great perspective (Prov 31). So you say, give me the solid relationship/friendship, and we can work on the other part together. Nice…I like that.
I choose the Good Friend husband in total agreement with what Melissa said
I would have to go with the good friend husband. For me the definition of provider is a man that does whatever he needs to do to make sure I can do what I have to do. Those things aren’t always monetary. Soooooooo if all the bills are paid and we only take 1 vacation instead of 4 and we take more road trips than European tours thats cool. For me if my husband isn’t engaged and present in the marraige why be married? For me, after 8 hours in the office and 6 hours working on the business what I need is comforable clean house, dinner, time to relax and someone to share my day/ life with. If he made enough to hire a house keeper, nanny, gardener etc, and kept himself far from me, then it wouldn’t be worth it for me to be married. For some ppl that may be the perfect marriage though. Everyone is different.
So friendship and engagement is something that can’t be replaced now matter how well/much he provides. Awesome. Thanks for sharing.
Great question! I don’t know Jackie, I kinda feel like the scenarios were written to kinda biased in favor of the friend based marriage over the provider based marriage. There are alot more negatives thrown in with the provider based marriage vs. the friend based. If you had phrased the friend based marriage with the man being habitually unemployed, repeatedly getting laid off , or quitting whenever he felt like it, then to me that would have evened the comparisons out more then just him being underemployed. In all honesty, I’m not sure how friendly I would be feeling with a man that can’t provide and this is a consistent pattern in the relationship. To me a real friend wouldn’t constantly let me carry a burden while he sits on the sideline and watches us not have anything. So yeah, minus some of the extremes of the provider in your scenario (lol!), I’ll take the provider!
LOL thanks for sharing Yana! I tried to present scenarios where the provider tried to be a good friend, but the rigors and challenges of providing pulled him away from doing so. With the friend, I tried to present a scenario where he tried to provide, but through circumstances, mistakes, or other caused him to not be as solid on the providing front. I may have (unintentionally) slanted it some…thank you for letting me know! 🙂 haha. but seriously that was an interesting question posed to my wife and it sounded like there were varying perspectives among those in the conversation. I thought it would be interesting to see what the BMWK fam had to say about. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts!
Fantastic article….I would definitely agree with the comments posted above and I say a Good Friend Husband. Friendship is the first layer of foundation in a relationship and so important. I have no problem helping financially with the household expenses but time shared and constant connecting is something money can’t buy. However, everyone has a preference.
Tunisia, thanks for sharing your thoughts! It sounds like a good friend is the overwhelming favorite here (as well as on the BMWK facebook page). It sounds like if the relational and emotional needs are being met then helping or working toward financial goals together may be acceptable as well as enjoyable.
i wouldn’t know – I have both. I don’t see why it has to be one or the other. Hypothetically, the person who provides for me but is not my friend means I don’t have a relationship with them – I’m a benefactor. That’s awkward in a marriage.
Yes, both is best! But there are many scenarios where only one is present, through no bad intention. Husband job keeps him away, but pays well. Husband is there, but work is inconsistent or just doesn’t pay as well. Good hypothetical scenario, and I like the way you said it…”not my friend means don’t have a relationship with them….awkward in a marriage.” True indeed. Thanks for sharing!
LOL thanks for sharing Yana! I tried to present scenarios where the provider tried to be a good friend, but the rigors and challenges of providing pulled him away from doing so. With the friend, I tried to present a scenario where he tried to provide, but through circumstances, mistakes, or other caused him to not be as solid on the providing front. I may have (unintentionally) slanted it some…thank you for letting me know! 🙂 haha. but seriously that was an interesting question posed to my wife and it sounded like there were varying perspectives among those in the conversation. I thought it would be interesting to see what the BMWK fam had to say about. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts!
If I am having to choose only one, I’m going to have to stay by myself. I was in a marriage where my then husband was a decent provider, but there was no communication which led to so many other conflicts. I sincerely believe that a balance of both is crucial to the success of any relationship on the part of the husband as well as the wife. Yup, I believe we can have it all!
Thanks for commenting Stephanie. I am not mad at you. 🙂 I think having it all is should be our goal as husbands.
I dated a guy who was my best friend, but HE FELT that he wasn’t enough of a provider and that led to the demise of our relationship. It wasn’t me demanding designer clothes or fancy jewelry . . . I just requested when he got me a gift he put some THOUGHT into it based off of what he knew about me. That was still a struggle for him because he was so focused on the financial aspect of it. I shop at Ross, the farmer’s market, Wal-Mart voluntarily . . . cause I hate spending more than I have to for anything. He made the relationship difficult because he saw himself as an inadequate provider. So, it really doesn’t matter what we as women want or choose. Men are going to do whatever and the relationship rises or falls dependent on how much of a leader the man is within the relationship, regardless of what we women do/say.
Thanks for sharing Geri. So if the man is having some issues about it himself your desire may not matter anyway…his self esteem and actions kind of dictate which way the relationship goes in regard to friend/provider. That is an interesting point.
I’d prefer the Friend husband if I had to choose. If push comes to shove, I’d rather have my mate be there for me and our family than always away making paper. I need my buddy, my lover, and my pillar of strength more than anything material. We can always work out the money.
Thanks for sharing Lisa. It sounds like that is a common theme. With a solid relationship you can make it through and accomplish anything.
i’m single, in my mid thirties – at this point in my life a man that is a provider is what gets my attention.. friendship develops from that.. when i was younger i thought different – “we’re good friends” but that doesnt always mean “good husband material”.. through examples in the bible i dont recall God bringing ‘good friendships together’?? the men were on a mission, working, had purpose and the women were called by God to be the helpmeet…just my opinion…
I agree demi, nowadays it takes both, because some men can be great “friends” but then want you to be their Mama!!!! I’ve met some men who were great friends but could never keep a job or basically didn’t want to work, what can I do with that???? I am not going to marry someone so that I can be their sugarmomma, no more than a man would want to be my sugardaddy. I think that it works both ways. I think that a husband should strive to be a good provider and a good friend; how could you successfully have one and not the other?
Thanks for sharing Stephanie. What if he provides well, but in order to do that he has to travel and is rarely around? Or he is a great friend, and works hard but the jobs just don’t pay as well as needed? Neither intentionally neglecting one area, nor just trifling, but kinda circumstance has brought challenge. Would that affect your decision?
Hey Mimi! 🙂 Thx for commenting. It seems that everywhere you look in the bible when God used a man, that man was working, and yes on a mission. Good point!
Why is the good provider only described as someone who can pull money?
In my opinion, being a good provider is greater than the green. HOW you manage it is the big question. I grew up with a very stingy father who would rather buy cartons of cigarettes than get my siblings and I basic school supplies. That didn’t have anything to do with money, per se, but everything with making sure you’ve done what’s in your power to make sure we have necessities.
I agree a good provider can be someone who doesn’t necessary earn a lot of money, but someone who uses it well and makes the most out it. I think that is part of being a good provider. Someone can make a lot of $, but have the household finances all jacked up and in debt. IMO he is not a good provider. Thanks for sharing that perspective.
I don’t think one can be a good friend and not a provider. If a man claimed to be my best/good friend, that declaration doesn’t square with him not pulling his load or letting me shoulder the financial responsibility. Friends help each other out so if he wasn’t helping with the finances to the best of his ability, I couldn’t classify him as a “good friend.”
Thx for commenting. What if he was downsized, laid off, or something similar? Not that he wasn’t trying, but something happen. Or he got hurt/sick and no longer had the earning power that he had? Would you view it any different?
That is why I said “to the best of his ability”, which could include layoffs, illness, downsizing, etc. I witnessed this with my best friend, who is a man, but not my husband. He was laid off from a well-paying job and suffered a salary cut. Until he could get another high paying job, he worked three jobs in order to make sure that his family had what was needed. Regardless of the circumstance, he still had the mentality to provide for his family. IMO, the mentality that a man will do what he has to do for his wife and family makes him a good friend.
He hustled…and that hustle showed true friendship. I like that.
A Godly husband should be both.
Husbands as friends…
“For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her (Eph 5:25).” How exactly does Christ love his bride – the church?
“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his masters business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you (John 15:13-15).”
The relationship between Christ and his bride – the church – is deeply rooted in friendship. As imitators of Christ, the relationship between husbands and wives should also be deeply rooted in friendship.
Husbands as providers…
Of course, we all know the verse about the man who doesn’t provide for his family being worst than an infidel (1 Tim 5:8). However, most times, we simply don’t have a clear definition for that. The provision that verse speaks about is not merely financial. As the family leader, a husband is suppose to provide for his family’s physical, mental/emotional and spiritual needs as well. The Bible does not state that a husband must earn more or less money than his wife. However, the Bible does admonish husbands and wives to be good stewards of their God given opportunities and resources. In this world, unfortunately, Black men and women don’t always have the same socioeconomic opportunities as other races. God determines what resources he will bless us with. We have absolutely no control of that. However, we can control and determine how we use our God given resources – whether we use them wisely or foolishly. A Godly husband will provide for his family by striving to use the opportunities and resources that God affords his family wisely.
Great points KM! Thx for sharing! Provision is not just money…so many other things are involved and the bible tells us what and how.
Great post Jackie. And I do agree that husbands should strive to be both. However, it is very hard sometimes. The reality is that there are some husbands (and wives too) that have very demanding jobs that are stressful. Which means he/she has to be very intentional about carving out some quality time with the family. But also, as spouses ..we have to be supportive and understanding of the sacrifices being made.
Thanks Ronnie! 🙂 And yes…it is VERY hard. The key is like you said, “be very intentional about carving out some quality time with the family.” If that is done, then I think the friendship and the provision will work itself out.
Good question..and I certainly never thought about it until now….I have half of both LOL. We met when we were 12 so we started as friends. Since we were friends first, that was our basis and it was gravy..almost no complications. Then, we got married and his natural provider kicked in. I already knew he was a hard-worker..we both are, but sometimes his provider mentality is over the top and he works a lot. Then, there are times when he works just his 40 hours and our friendship is first and foremost. It depends on the circumstances…and I trust that he will know which hat should dominate. In moments when the wrong hat is taking priority at the wrong time, I can remind him in my gentle way. I also have to be in touch with my needs for this to work. Most times the back-and-forth works. I think it is good to be flexible and adaptable for the circumstances. If we are about to loose our house, I’d rather him spend time working extra hours than listen to me whine about bills. But if we loose a baby (miscarriage) or something like that, he needs to take off from work and listen to me whine and be there. Oh Bless You Dear Men! You have a hard job. We love you though!
YES, we do have a hard job! lol! I like how you say flexibility is important, as different circumstances call for a different focus. That is good stuff. Thanks for sharing Monea!
If I must choose only one, I would definitely have to go with the friend. Yes money matters can cause a strain on the relationship, but without friendship and good communication, the money won’t matter when your headed to divorce anyway. Friendship is paramount!
Thanks for commenting Schae. The good friend has been overwhelming…that is saying something.
I dated a man who was on the same page as me. (preparing to get married) He was a GREAT provider! However, we lacked a deep friendship, which caused so many issues in other areas. Problems such as, communication issues, not truly accepting each other, lack of understanding, strife, etc. Money isn’t everything. A man can be a great provider and it still not mean a thing! I would rather have a my man be my friend anyday! Friendship is a great foundation for lovers.
Awesome…thanks for sharing MelodyRenee!
I would choose a friend that is a true man of God. With God truly in his heart
the rest will follow. I am going through a divorce from a man that was a great
provider financially but in other ways he lacked. He would tell me
go out with your friends he did not want to be my friend and husband.
I would choose the provider over the friend, hands down. Men are typically not socialized to be emotional support systems for women. We have girlfriends for that. A man should provide for his family. That’s a non-negotiable.