by Aja Jackson Dorsey
Although “In sickness and in health” is a part of the standard wedding vow, it is the part that I probably gave the least amount of thought to when I got married. At 20-something, the idea of being faced with anything more serious than the flu didn’t cross my mind.
As our marriage has progressed, especially after the birth of our son, it is something that I have given more thought. My husband is a smoker and generally does not take care of his physical health as well as I think he should, so over time the fear that he will be sick one day has become real.
Yet in all of my worries about illness, I had never even considered what I would do if the illness were mental. In my mind it was not even a possibly. However, over the last few years I have known several people personally who are either living with a mentally ill spouse or dealing with mental illness themselves. I have seen couples that have remained close in spite of the illness and others where the illness wreaked havoc on the families involved. In most instances I was surprised to learn that couples were dealing with issues like post partum depression, bi-polar disorder, post-traumatic stress or often someone with all of the symptoms of a mental illness that refused to seek treatment.
While I have not dealt with it in my own home, talking to the wife whose husband is self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, or the husband whose wife stays in bed for days due to depression let me know that this is a real issue that couples are dealing with. However because there is such a stigma attached to mental illness, especially in African-American communities, few people choose to talk about the challenges associated with living with a mentally ill spouse. It is not taboo to talk about battling cancer or diabetes in the same way that it is to talk about living with a mental illness, so many couples choose to suffer in silence.
Knowing this, I began to think about what I would do if faced with these issues myself. Although some people may view mental illness as a weakness, it is a disease like any other, and just like most other diseases, it is naive to believe that my family is immune. I am not a therapist, nor have I dealt with this myself. I know that there are varying types and degrees of illnesses and I know that the decisions made in how to deal with mental illness in a marriage is very personal.
At the same time I have seen that mental illness is not an automatic death sentence for a marriage. With the couples that I have seen deal with it successfully, both spouses confronted the issue head-on, seeking treatment, finding support where they needed it, and holding up that end of their marriage vow just as they would with any other sickness that they might face.
Does “in sickness” include mental illness? Have you ever dealt with mental illness within your marriage?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.