by Aja Jackson Dorsey
Although “In sickness and in health” is a part of the standard wedding vow, it is the part that I probably gave the least amount of thought to when I got married. At 20-something, the idea of being faced with anything more serious than the flu didn’t cross my mind.
As our marriage has progressed, especially after the birth of our son, it is something that I have given more thought. My husband is a smoker and generally does not take care of his physical health as well as I think he should, so over time the fear that he will be sick one day has become real.
Yet in all of my worries about illness, I had never even considered what I would do if the illness were mental. In my mind it was not even a possibly. However, over the last few years I have known several people personally who are either living with a mentally ill spouse or dealing with mental illness themselves. I have seen couples that have remained close in spite of the illness and others where the illness wreaked havoc on the families involved. In most instances I was surprised to learn that couples were dealing with issues like post partum depression, bi-polar disorder, post-traumatic stress or often someone with all of the symptoms of a mental illness that refused to seek treatment.
While I have not dealt with it in my own home, talking to the wife whose husband is self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, or the husband whose wife stays in bed for days due to depression let me know that this is a real issue that couples are dealing with. However because there is such a stigma attached to mental illness, especially in African-American communities, few people choose to talk about the challenges associated with living with a mentally ill spouse. It is not taboo to talk about battling cancer or diabetes in the same way that it is to talk about living with a mental illness, so many couples choose to suffer in silence.
Knowing this, I began to think about what I would do if faced with these issues myself. Although some people may view mental illness as a weakness, it is a disease like any other, and just like most other diseases, it is naive to believe that my family is immune. I am not a therapist, nor have I dealt with this myself. I know that there are varying types and degrees of illnesses and I know that the decisions made in how to deal with mental illness in a marriage is very personal.
At the same time I have seen that mental illness is not an automatic death sentence for a marriage. With the couples that I have seen deal with it successfully, both spouses confronted the issue head-on, seeking treatment, finding support where they needed it, and holding up that end of their marriage vow just as they would with any other sickness that they might face.
Does “in sickness” include mental illness? Have you ever dealt with mental illness within your marriage?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.
Confused says
I am really interested in feed back from this article. I felt as though you were talking to me when you wrote this. I am totally convinced that my husband has a Mental Illness however, he refuses to seek treatment. At the moment, due to his violent outburst and terrible emotional and verbal abuse, I have decided that it is best that he moves out. Since he has been gone, I feel like I have my sanity back, however I am concerned for my spouse still. He calls me still with the same crazy rants and raves, but Instead of listening I just hang up. He is not allowed with me or our child alone until he gets help. I just don’t know how to help him through this. I love my husband dearly, I just don’t know how to help him.
Ashleigh L.A. says
I’m surprised that this didn’t get any comments. Good article. This is an issue that needs to be addressed. The stigma is part of the reason that people won’t take pills or self-medicate. They don’t want to be seen as “crazy”.
Boogie says
Head on! Self-medication runs rampant in our race as a way of coping. These resources were not available to us in the day and it is seen as a “white people” problem. I think “Confused’ handled it as best she could but now what? In the words of Lyric of the movie Jasons Lyric, ” Jason, I am TRYING to love you, but I don’t want my heart broken. But that’s exactly what you’re gonna do if you keep trying to save a brother that don’t want to be saved! I have yet to see any blacks on the show Intervention…this is more than worth looking into because it stems back to slavery and the healing should start there.
CG says
This one caught my attention because I have a sister in law whose mental illness (bi-polar disorder) literally wrecked all families involved. I guess the problem for us was that her doctors said some of her outburst were from the disorder and others were just pure anger from unresolved issues of the past. So, being your typical black families, especially with the other sisters in law, many grudges were held for things that were said and done where they felt it was not the disorder, but her real, genuine feelings being unleashed upon them. My brother stayed true to his wife all the way and took the brunt of a lot of anger in trying to protect her. When we ( my wife and I) saw his stance, we tried to be supportive of his decision, even though she unleashed verbal assualts against us as well. I must admit that it was very tough. We prayed, we cried, we defended both of them, while they worked through the sistuations. I wish I could say there was a happy ending, but eventually we moved to another city, and the battles between her and other family members continued and got worse after we moved away. However, we have no regrets for taking that stance because my brother needed the support regardless as whether his wife’s outburst were the bi-polar disorder or her anger manangement problems. As we got older, menopause and other hormonal issues began to affect my wife’s emotional and mental state. We armed ourselves with information by researching every issue that was presented to us by her doctor. I found that when we both understood what was going on, I was a lot more patient and understanding of her, and she was lot more patient with herself. The person with the problem often feels worse about the problem than anyone else and just knowing that has helped us tremendously.
Gilbert says
Just to add to a thought Boogie brought to mind: Perhaps the reluctance in our community to discuss mental illness is behind, in some part, all this “rampant self-medication” (i.e., illicit drug use) and the moral breakdown of our communities and families. When we see the mental degradation of members of our community and don’t understand where it is coming from because no one talks about it, this may lead us to believe, whether consciously or subconsciously, “that’s just the way our people are.”
Homeiswithin says
Dear Confused:
Youre in my prayers! I pray that through education, counseling, and meditation you make the choice that you feel is best for your family without fear, shame, or guilt. Only YOU know your circumstances!
My husband isnt a ***consumer*** of any neurological disorders. I do have a sibling who is a consumer. I once attended a Unitarian Universalist Church in the Northern Virginia area that offered low cost education, training, and support for both the consumer and caregiver/family. I was a completely transformed person and understood my sister better.
Based off what Ive learned from that training (which is often done by caregivers/family members) Ive heard spouses say the following:
Its imperative that you take care of your own mental, and physical health first or you are unable to monitor (control) the situation if you are both sick. Living with people who are consumers off of medication and out of long term treatment can and DOES break down your own mental health. If you are parent this even more crucial. Family counseling, pastoral counseling, whatever you can do. You need support too. Sometimes family members and friends can make the situation WORSE un-intentionally when they arent educated about the specific illness.
Its imperative that you are emotionally honest WITH YOURSELF. If your spouse refuses to honor the treatment plan (this can also be a part of some mental illnesses by the way) are you able to get your emotional, spiritual, sexual, and physical needs met? Will they be able to provide and protect if they are a parent? Do the answers change if they are following the treatment plan?
Its important to take sabbaticals. Everyone needs their space.
Its important to establish boundaries and limits. Its important to express them to your spouse and THEIR mental health providers.
Its important to create a system or process by which you plan to manage the situation if a crisis or relapse occurs. Depending upon the illness you can often track or monitor the cycles so you will already know the times of the year the person will be in crisis. You can also learn warning signs to prevent a crisis or minimize a crisis so that it doesnt overwhelm YOUR normal sense of self.
Its important to create a relationship contract where the consumer is empowered by being held accountable for staying on top of their treatment plan.
Child abuse and spousal abuse is absolutely unacceptable under any circumstances. Most professionals would recommend a long term separation until the spouse is stable and intervention counseling until trust, and empathy can be restored. If this is your case, you have EVERY RIGHT to separate or even divorce. This is not an area where “patience†can be practiced especially if the consumer has delusions, hallucinations, etc
Confused, one last thing: my sister eventually changed because we kept telling her that there are people of every race, ethnicity, religion, class, and color who have neurological disorders but are living productive and stable lives. We told her t hat she doesnt half to be a flunky or junkie. Truthfully, until I met those families I would NOT have known that. Many were nurses, teachers, engineers, etc. I was frankly shocked because my sister illness had definitely taken its toll on our family.
I hope these resources help:
https://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=Education_Training_and_Peer_Support_Center
https://www.blackpsych.org/
https://www.abpsi.org/
confused says
Thank You so much. I am in tears at work because as I type my husband is texting me on one of his delusional rants. I hope that things work out for us. I don’t want to Divorce my husband, however at this point I am drained and divorce seems like a relief for me and our son. I will look at the links that you posted and try and get my husband the help that he needs. Thank you again for your help.
Lady says
I agree with everyone! It is believed that it is not “normal” to have these issues. I recently mentioned to my mother and brother that we all have anger issues and we all are “very” uptight and my mother response was that she need to see a psychiatrist…and all these years I wondered were my issues came from….
Homeiswithin says
God bless you Confused!
Glad to be of service!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tJr8mwX1zE&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Sounds of Blackness Song Change
Niqui says
Yes, I believe “In Sickness” includes mental illness. I am not shocked with the lack of response, because the ones that are going through this may not want to post it on the internet.
I am going to post as a guest because I do not want to blast my husband out there.
Before I got married I noticed something with my husband to be. I had a strong idea that he had OCD – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with bouts of Paranoia. We have been married over 6 years and it has taken him about that long to be diagnosed with OCD. The mental illness is not as much a problem as the denial.
I love my husband very much and fell that he is my gift from the Lord. I am writing this right after another bout of what I feel is Paranoia, even though he has not been diagnosed with it yet. That is in do time, right now I am trying to get SSId- Social Security Disability for him. We have filled out all the paper work and gone to the meetings, now we are just waiting to hear if he will be excepted the first time out. If not I plan on applying again.
Homeiswithin says
> Aja
If my husband or children developed a neurological disorder I would do everything I encouraged another reader on here to do. And absent violence, drugs, crime I would give it time. If the illness overwhelms my normal sense of self to the degree that Im unable to function or care for other members of the family I would chose to release the person to a private institution out of love and respect for them so that they can get the care they deserve. Divorce is not necessarily the end of your family but the reorganization of it.
Also respectfully, I think that comparing neurological disorders to illnesses such as cancer is a false dichotomy. Yes, physical illnesses can create mental illnesses such as clinical depression or even anexity disorders. Bi-polar disorder ( especially the rapid cycling disorder) Schizo-affective disorder, Schizophrenia, and Split personality disorder ARE A WHOLE NEW BALL GAME.
Someone afflicted with Cancer, HIV/AIDs, diabetes, or Parkinsons disease is less likely to have distorted perceptions of themselves, the world, and reality—or to have breaks from reality to such a degree that they are out of touch and behave in ways that are reckless, irresponsible and dangerous. They dont often require intensive therapy, supervision, and crisis intervention. My apologies if I came off rude but I half to disagree with the comparison based off of ***22*** years of experience.
And finally, while Im NOT personally a “needy†woman I think people half to examine the situation for how it is not what they want it to be: the ability to get ones sexual, emotional, intellectual, and physical needs are normal expectations in a marriage. Of course life happens, we will not always get our needs met 100% of the time in the way that we want but if you NEVER get ANY of your needs met that can create bitterness, resentment, loneliness, and despair. It can also cause either spouse to step out and cheat on each other. I think its truly a case by case basis.
>CG
Your commentary just reminded me of how interconnected our physical health is to our mental health. Ive had family members who were afflicted with Gravess disease and diabetes who exhibited signs of “mental illness†but once those conditions were managed or corrected their moods were under control. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and Insulin resistance are other conditions that come to mind. Something else I thought about was the high rates of work place bullying and workplace violence –which has escalated since the recession/depression. Allot of people have developed anexity disorders from working in severely dysfunctional workplaces, God knows Ive had my fair share.
>Gilbert
“When we see the mental degradation of members of our community and don’t understand where it is coming from because no one talks about it, this may lead us to believe, whether consciously or subconsciously, “that’s just the way our people are.”
I 100% co-sign.
My secular and spiritual education teaches me that neurological disorders like others disorders or illnesses arent moral issues but health care issues. I personal think that the black folks who believe that are emotionally abusing other black people. I also think this is internalized racism. And to be frank, this is internalized racism of the worst kind because it keeps the consumer locked in bondage and suffering versus obtaining the medical treatment they deserve. Its so simple to shame, debase, and disparage someone while throwing a bible tract and self-reliance in their laps when you know they dont have the ability to think abstractly or process through things rationally because they are unbalanced at that time. Its truly sick.
Just Me says
Really appreciate your post. I have to teach on this portion of the vows this week and the post and comments are very insightful. I do deal with this in a mild sense, one thing that I was told by a physician that really helped me and might help other spouses trying to be supportive. Is to seek counsel for yourself. It is unfortunate but if your spouse was diagnosed with a cancer or other illness you would receive orientation on how to assist and care for them. What time and manner to administer the medication(s). But with mental illness/depression no one really explains to the spouse how to handle it. It really is training on the job and learning through pain how to care for them.
So I have found it helpful to talk to other people that are or have been through trying to care for a spouse that is ill.
just your sister says
This is a great topic and something to consider before we get married. There are several components that we often fail to look at or consider. One being what are we eating. There are so many foods on the market that affect us in many different ways they we dont consider. If the foods we consume has an affect on our children, why would we not be included. We have been introducted to chemicals in food, water, air, cell phones, and hormones in the animals. It almost unnatural to not be affected by various sources of contamination. Often we go to the doctors and they want to medicate instead of evaluating what we consume. there are some very effective treatments that are non invasive, non medicating, and unobtrusive that can make a great impact on our lives and the lives of our family members. Before we head to divorce court, or shy away from someone because of a mental condition, look at all the options. Unless there is abuse in the relationship there should be no back doors in our marriages. If you want to show love to your family members get them tested for various food poisioning, check the air quality of your homes etc. I just want to bring information from another perspective because we all suffer from some type of mental illness some are more obvious than others.
Simmonz says
Enjoyed all of the comments here and I realize even more that these mental health issues could possibly be more evident than I thought before. I must now take another different perspective towards many people within my life that before I had dismissed as having “very bad attitudes ” too pronounced for me to cope with them. Currently having such problems with my “off and on again” fiancee with each of us being previously married before and we both intrepid about making a second marital mistake. Seems almost everyone we both know have “issues and disfunctions” which makes me ponder how prevalent mental illness is out there amongst us all and to what degree? I do and can acknowledge how much stressful times can play an impact and also that in our African American community many of us have inherited some facets from slavery which can factor some generational baggage we each carry forward. On top of all that, it is a given that “our community” is not very pro-active about opening up nor seeking remedies and ostracizes the few brave enough to admit any kind of self disclosure with this type of Illness. Remember it is our community that does not accept very well any perculiarity beyond our cultural norms of “crabs in a barrel” so therefore who wants to step out there and appear different and/or lacking from the group? Dialogue like this certainly helps me and hopefully can be encouraging to many others to break through on the path to self discovery. One last question: Where is the litmus test one can use to decide whether their loved ones does indeed need this type of intervention? How does one make that judgement if their loved one need some help or rather they have personality issues or are a sociopath with mild neurosis?
2ndborn says
Hello Confused,
Please research personality disorders…it sounds like your husband may be suffering from a personality disorder which is a terrrible mental illness. Often the person suffering from this disease will not get help because they don’t think anything is wrong with them.
Reggie Williams says
WOW! Absolutely wonderful post and compelling comments. My wife has a mild mental disorder that was driving me out of my mind. When I engrossed myself in learning about her disorder, it didn’t make it any easier to deal with, but because I understood what was driving her condition my patience and understanding for her illness grew by leaps and bounds.
I pray that everyone who commented find that relief that brings oneness to their union.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Bryan says
I haven’t read any posts from people who actually have mental illnesses, just those who may have studied it or have family members with one. Well, I have a mental illness. I was diagnosed as Bipolar with Generalized Anxiety Disorder seven years ago. Let me tell you that it is a daily struggle that requires medication, therapy, and a constant monitoring of my moods. Having dealt with both hospitalizations and suicide attempts first hand, I can say that hospitalizations are not things to talk about lightly. It Having a mental illness has dramatically changed my life in unexpected ways.
I first learned of my illness before I met my wife. I told her on our first date and she has been nothing but supportive of me trying different medication treatments and therapies. If you have a spouse who is battling a mental illness please try to be as supportive as possible. While the exact causes of mental illness are unknown we know that causes are biological, psychological, although there can be environmental stressors.
As a community, we need to take mental illness as seriously as we do breast cancer, heart disease, and other physical ailments. We lose too many people because they dont seek treatment or are too ashamed/hurt to seek proper treatment.
I would encourage everyone to read: Standing In the Shadows: Understanding and Overcoming Depression in Black Men by John Head and Lay My Burden Down: Suicide and the Mental Health Crisis Among African-Americans by Alvin F. Poussaint
Aja Dorsey Jackson says
Bryan,
Thank you so much for being so open. I think that it is going to take more people like you, those living with mental illnesses, to be open about it and show that because you have a mental illness does not mean that you are automatically “crazy” or violent etc. I truly believe that if it weren’t looked at as something shameful or as a weakness that more people would be willing to receive treatment.
Aja Dorsey Jackson says
Thank you everyone for your comments. I know that there are different levels of severity with mental illnesses like any other. I would not encourage anyone to subject themselves to violence or unsafe conditions for themselves or their children. I also know that it is important to remember that not everyone with a mental illness is violent and that it is important for both spouses to get the support that they need in living with it.
daybyday says
I am actually the spouse that suffers w/ being mentally ill. It is such a horrible feeling, even though I know that it is okay just like diabetes, high blood pressure etc. When you are the one who does not know on a regular basis sometimes on and off meds whether you are coming or going it is a struggle. My life consists of constantly avoiding stressors, taking psych meds, not sleeping well on a consistant basis, being easily aggravated, anxious, depressed etc. Believe it or not I do well w/ coping b/ some days I dont want to. I wish I could walk around and be ok w/ out meds. To mentally ill patients it feels like you would rather have anything else malfunctioning b/ not your brain. Its not just about taking meds we have to be under constant care, therapy, cope w/stigma (hearing jokes about ppl being mentally ill), anxiety, depressed and a host of other things. It does make for a more difficult life. For the most part I do well b/ I have days that makes for a more difficult marriage due to my illness.
Reggie Williams says
Aja. I just wanted to say once again THANK YOU for whatever spirit led you to pen this piece. Absolutely brilliant post.
TheMrs says
I would like to believe that I would stick it out with my husband if it were to present itself, but we never know what we will do until it is happening.
I used to work in Mental and Behavioral Health specifically in drug and alcohol abuse in women with children. One of the things that I found was that the presenting problem was the addiction but as treatment began there was a long list of other issues that lead them to the addiction…many being severe depression and bipolar disorder. The stigma of mental illness HAS to be addressed in order to alleviate a large portion of addiction. As a people, we have self-medicated with illegal drugs in order to cope with our problems rather than search out counseling first.
Andrea says
We just recently dealt with some mental illness in our relationship. When I weaned my daughter I suddenly dropped into serious postpartum/postweaning depression/ocd/anxiety.. I had never had any mental problems before and so it was very scary. Itried to deal on my own for months and months until it got worse and I sought out help and now Im doing SO much better. But the ppd seriously made my relationship stronger. My husband realized he needs to help me out more and also realized I do need time for myself. We were on the verge of divorce ( in my mind) and now we have learned to work and help each other which has made our relationship SO much stronger. It has a struggle Im sure but I think it can either make or break a relationship. Lucky for me, it made it better 🙂
Aja Dorsey Jackson says
Thank you so much. I appreciate your feedback.
Searching for Understand says
I believe my husband has some kind of mental issue. We have been married 14years. And most of time he has found faults and excusses as reasons why he cannot connect/ bond with me. For years I thought I was doing something wrong….We have gone months and years without being intimate. He says he cannot communicate with me…but he creates most of the chaos. He is distant with me. He does not express love, lust, desire, affection. And whenever I ask him about it he tells me about my faults…About two years ago he told me he was not attracted to me and that I let myself go…and yet he has not attempted to end the marriage…Who stays married to someone they are not attracted to……Cheats but don’t leave….Stay’s but don’t love….I have tried for years to discuss emotional issues with him, but it always turns into a battle…No approach is correct…He finds faults with any angle I present….He replays a different sernero than the actual situation. His perception of me is always tainted……I don’t communicate correct, I don’t let him express himself, I talk too long and never let him get a word in, I interupt and cut him off, I don’t understand what he said, I misunderstand what he said, I don’t listen, I talk too loud, I curse too much and all the while we never discuss the real issue…..talking about love and emotions never occurs…if I ask point blank questions he simply says….I don’t know…..I have looked high and low for answers He never sees or take issue with anything he does or says…He cannot self correct because he is unable to see faults with himself……This man acts like I am the enemy….And he won’t, can’t and don’t explain anything about feelings or emotions…He is driven simply by money…He is an excellent provider…..He is the go to guy in both his family and mine….He is a good hearted person…He is extremely intelligent. He is very attractive. He takes pride in his appearance. Many people look up to him. He is well respected. He is very reserved and shows signs of being introverted. But knows how to socialize on occassion. He has so many characteristics of a nausticistic person. I am so exhausted with this lacking marriage…..I don’t know what to do…..I beleive mental illness runs in his family but talking about any issue is taboo…..Help….I don’t know what to call this….I don’t know how to look up a mental illness with a high functioning person that can mask things and has fool so many people for so many years…And I am afraid…I don’t know what he is capable of doing…thus far I have not experienced any physical harm….But emotionally and mentally I have been through the ringer….
Cher says
My God, this ounds like the man I am married to.I just came across this site as I am looking for knowledgeable support to address all of the concerns you’ve voiced . I also have an 11 yo child I have left so many times to live separately only to have him promise one last time that he’d be better each time . our child prefers our house. Not the apartments we had to live in while separated I was always in domestic violence programs and never quite felt like we belonged there , he’s successful talented .People believe everything he says and with his humorous and charming side people are easily won over to his versions of the “truth” Behind closed doors he puts those same folks down miserably. my family and closer friends know of my struggle. his own family won’t even own up to anything he’s put us through .I have contacted NAMI for support , he finnally went to get diagnosis its Bipolar 11 but am not feeling sure about staying still. So much faith trust love has been destroyed .I guess I am staying at the house for our child she always fell apart when we left and it was hard staying away he made sure he lawyers said he was distraught with his daughter away I wound up having to see him as i brought our child back to the house o see him again weekly Communicating with him turns into a basing fest about my faults the house is large enough to avoid one another. But this is generally a sad way of lifeI do all I can to do normal family life activities without him he’s often invited but chooses not to join us. And I haven’t had friends over self or daughters too often never sure if he will act up good luck to you contact me if you need support I understand
dealing with ocd says
Everyone loves what you guys are usually up too.
Such clever work and exposure! Keep up the excellent works guys I’ve incorporated you guys to my own blogroll.