I was involved in a conversation with a buddy of mine the other day that took me back to a real serious situation early on in my relationship with my wife.
My friend and I are in one of those slightly awkward spots, where two mutual friends that have been dating, have just broken up. So my friend was explaining why he saw one person’s actions as justifiable. I just listened. But somewhere along the line of hearing what went down, I zoned out and began thinking about how many times my wife and I have had to forgive each other for both the serious and the trivial. Without the ability to forgive our marriage would have ended long ago.
Forgiveness and Intimacy
Early on while dating I did something that really hurt my wife. Let’s just say I did not tell her all the details of my past until well into our third year of dating. I am extremely transparent in saying that I was born to be a Pastor but I was not born a Pastor. When details of my past met with reality of my present, my wife had to reach deep down in her heart and forgive me. It was a rough stretch and for a while it threw our plans of marriage into question. But as I reflect on that time period during our dating years, I can see that by removing the anger and hurt, it ultimately galvanized our friendship, love and marriage.
The ability to forgive then and continually forgive each other throughout has become a powerful tool that has become one of the gateways to intimacy. Once my wife’s heart became receptive to forgiving me, it seems like a pathway was cleared for us to really “connect.” I liken it to a battery on a car. Sometimes in an old battery corrosive acid forms on the posts of the battery, and the acid stops the necessary components from being able to contact properly. Thus no juice – you have no power to get started. But when that corrosive acid is removed the proper connections are being made and the battery can work.
Forgiveness gives a couple the power to clean up the points where their actions have brought corrosive acid into the relationship. The inability to forgive corrodes what once was a vital relationship of intimacy on all fronts. By intimacy I am talking about sex and then so much more. Intimacy is any and every point of close connection that a husband and wife enjoy. An intimate relationship is a work of cultivation throughout the day – every day. Just showing up in the bedroom at night often does not bring about the depth of intimacy we crave. Real intimacy takes place any and everywhere. Whether in a crowded room, alone on the couch, or doing yard work, intimacy is God’s gift of closeness to togetherness that when properly exchanged brings re-gifting possibilities in the bedroom!
Now The Hard Part: Practicing Forgiveness
As life would have it, as much as my wife has had to forgive me I have had a fair share of times when I had to forgive her too. There are two things that have helped me try to maintain a forgiving heart toward my wife:
- The Brevity of Life. In some capacity or another I attend or participate in an average about 55 funerals a year. Yes, more than one a week. It is an experience that has helped me to look at life from a lot of perspectives. From infants to elderly, from vibrant and healthy to long time illness – life is short. Too short for bitterness and corrosive acid to deaden our own joy and well being. If life is short, how much shorter will your marriage be? 50 years, 60 years? Not long enough to spend it consumed with smoldering anger, building into despise and hatred. I forgive you.
- Not qualified to be forgiven. I imagine we all experience times when we wrestle with whether our offending spouse even deserves forgiveness. It is at these times that I have to think about the things I have done that I probably did not deserve to be forgiven for. Because when we faced the same thing, my wife forgave me for the same thing that broke up another relationship. And that keeps me grounded in understanding the need to forgive even when forgiveness is not easy to come by.
Furthermore, and exponentially more important is my faith walk. When I am reminded of how God (Jesus) forgave and forgives my sins, I just can not find very many reasons not to forgive my wife. There are times when it does not add up and I am probably justified to hold my grudge. There are times when she is wrong and I am right, but it is not the time to claim victory. Rather this is when God reminds me of all of the car accidents, shoot outs, failures, near misses, lies told, and acts of deceit that God has sustained and forgiven me from and it helps me to look at my wife and forgive.
There is an old sermon illustration that was pretty popular in the 90’s. In brief it goes like this, “A closed fist can not receive a gift.” Open up your fist, and receive the gift of intimacy back in your relationship – Enjoy!
How are you practicing intimacy in your marriage? What makes forgiving your spouse so hard?