I was involved in a conversation with a buddy of mine the other day that took me back to a real serious situation early on in my relationship with my wife.
My friend and I are in one of those slightly awkward spots, where two mutual friends that have been dating, have just broken up. So my friend was explaining why he saw one person’s actions as justifiable. I just listened. But somewhere along the line of hearing what went down, I zoned out and began thinking about how many times my wife and I have had to forgive each other for both the serious and the trivial. Without the ability to forgive our marriage would have ended long ago.
Forgiveness and Intimacy
Early on while dating I did something that really hurt my wife. Let’s just say I did not tell her all the details of my past until well into our third year of dating. I am extremely transparent in saying that I was born to be a Pastor but I was not born a Pastor. When details of my past met with reality of my present, my wife had to reach deep down in her heart and forgive me. It was a rough stretch and for a while it threw our plans of marriage into question. But as I reflect on that time period during our dating years, I can see that by removing the anger and hurt, it ultimately galvanized our friendship, love and marriage.
The ability to forgive then and continually forgive each other throughout has become a powerful tool that has become one of the gateways to intimacy. Once my wife’s heart became receptive to forgiving me, it seems like a pathway was cleared for us to really “connect.” I liken it to a battery on a car. Sometimes in an old battery corrosive acid forms on the posts of the battery, and the acid stops the necessary components from being able to contact properly. Thus no juice – you have no power to get started. But when that corrosive acid is removed the proper connections are being made and the battery can work.
Forgiveness gives a couple the power to clean up the points where their actions have brought corrosive acid into the relationship. The inability to forgive corrodes what once was a vital relationship of intimacy on all fronts. By intimacy I am talking about sex and then so much more. Intimacy is any and every point of close connection that a husband and wife enjoy. An intimate relationship is a work of cultivation throughout the day – every day. Just showing up in the bedroom at night often does not bring about the depth of intimacy we crave. Real intimacy takes place any and everywhere. Whether in a crowded room, alone on the couch, or doing yard work, intimacy is God’s gift of closeness to togetherness that when properly exchanged brings re-gifting possibilities in the bedroom!
Now The Hard Part: Practicing Forgiveness
As life would have it, as much as my wife has had to forgive me I have had a fair share of times when I had to forgive her too. There are two things that have helped me try to maintain a forgiving heart toward my wife:
- The Brevity of Life. In some capacity or another I attend or participate in an average about 55 funerals a year. Yes, more than one a week. It is an experience that has helped me to look at life from a lot of perspectives. From infants to elderly, from vibrant and healthy to long time illness – life is short. Too short for bitterness and corrosive acid to deaden our own joy and well being. If life is short, how much shorter will your marriage be? 50 years, 60 years? Not long enough to spend it consumed with smoldering anger, building into despise and hatred. I forgive you.
- Not qualified to be forgiven. I imagine we all experience times when we wrestle with whether our offending spouse even deserves forgiveness. It is at these times that I have to think about the things I have done that I probably did not deserve to be forgiven for. Because when we faced the same thing, my wife forgave me for the same thing that broke up another relationship. And that keeps me grounded in understanding the need to forgive even when forgiveness is not easy to come by.
Furthermore, and exponentially more important is my faith walk. When I am reminded of how God (Jesus) forgave and forgives my sins, I just can not find very many reasons not to forgive my wife. There are times when it does not add up and I am probably justified to hold my grudge. There are times when she is wrong and I am right, but it is not the time to claim victory. Rather this is when God reminds me of all of the car accidents, shoot outs, failures, near misses, lies told, and acts of deceit that God has sustained and forgiven me from and it helps me to look at my wife and forgive.
There is an old sermon illustration that was pretty popular in the 90’s. In brief it goes like this, “A closed fist can not receive a gift.” Open up your fist, and receive the gift of intimacy back in your relationship – Enjoy!
How are you practicing intimacy in your marriage? What makes forgiving your spouse so hard?
SxeStar0024 says
its hard to forgive, but once you do its very rewarding. i wont lie, there are still days that i wonder “what if” but i pray those thoughts away and keep moving forward!
SxeStar0024 says
its hard to forgive, but once you do its very rewarding. i wont lie, there are still days that i wonder “what if” but i pray those thoughts away and keep moving forward!
Brookscn83 says
I’ve easily held grudges in past relationships to a point where I couldn’t even enjoy the time with that person due to my anger. Now, with my soulmate, my husband, I’m able to get over my anger a lot faster because I look at the entire picture and realize that it’s really not that serious. Our time together is precious so I hold onto that and move forward.
Martha says
What an incredible story……..a must read!!!!!!
Martha says
What an incredible story……..a must read!!!!!!
Ronnie_BMWK says
Edward ..as always this was an awesome post and a much needed reminder to no let resentment and anger build-up and corrode our relationships.
I definitely know that forgiveness can build intimacy. I have learned this first hand from my husband. No matter how much I cut up (which is very rare (wink wink) )…he is able to say “girl you were acting crazy…but let’s address this and move forward…he is always so forgiving and I have learned to be more forgiving from him.
I love this post!!
Anonymous says
You, cut up – who would think it. LOL.
Roni says
Awesome post. And it’s absolutely true. Jesus said 70*70, you should forgive your brother. and your mother, and your sister and ESPECIALLY your husband or wife.
Da Minster says
Mr. Lee,
Excellent topic sir I would like to commend you for doing what most people do not do and that is being real and dealing with real issues. The hardest I find not only a Minster but a husband is when people cannot realize that the only serious things are God and love. If someone truly have a strong love for their spouse GREATER than their own point of view than we would have greater INTIMACY in our marriages. We live and then die but in between the time we lose so much time loving on things that are not important. I am not exempted me and my wife views sometimes are different but nothing is so important that will sway me to choose the item greater than her. No car, sporting event, money, clothing, etc. So the evidence of forgiveness would need not to exist if we realize all arguments are not worth the time of day or energy place in them unless it involves life & death. W hear about it all the time people dying with our a true love for & from someone. Until we realize that in our marriages we’re going to miss out on our marriages. She is my wife and the last thing I need to cause or fuel is argument about what’s for dinner.Which I should be grateful that I have the opportunity to sit with the one my heart truly longs for…
FirstladyShonda says
My hubby and I can only stay mad at each other for a hot minute. lol We love each other and value each others company to much to stay mad for long periods. Sometimes, I get mad at myself for not being able to stay mad. lol I just believe that “You have to forgive if you expect to be forgiven!” It may not come easy, but the more you practice the easier it becomes! http://www.lashondanicole.blogspot.com
Carla says
Forgiveness is sooo important. . I love this site because it really addresses a lot of what goes on in marriage and the Christian way of handling them. I come across so much info that is just negative and prefer to get material that I can reference from people who have been there/done that. Good, Christian based stuff from folks who can relate! http://www.soundmarriages.com
Wwwdotgirl says
Oh goodness. I’ve been a mess of un-forgiveness and anger toward my hubby for over a month now. Today was really out of control and I did a lot of stupid/immature things. I guess I needed to read this today. Thank you.
Aanyx says
This s huge!!!
Quest2Xl says
I have found that forgiveness is really hard. When simeone chooses to lie and deceive you over and over again about the same thing, at what point do you lose yourself by continuing forgiveness. When the apology is the same, and the behavior is done in private, I feel like I am just waiting to discover something again. I feel like I have no value in the relationship. It makes me question what else am I continually being lied to about. I an in 22 years and divorce is a scary thought, but I don’t know how to move forward and forgive.
Lucy Pannell says
This is an excellent topic. I am able to forgive, but not forget. I think that our imminent demise is just on the horizon because he doesn’t seek forgiveness in his wrong doings and so of course he is unapologetic. Which leads me to the fact that I have just about had my fill of the husband who doesn’t acknowledge that we can not co-exist when he chooses to behave as if he is an island unto himself….
lauren says
Forgiveness is a path I and my husband are about to go down this long road after being sperated for 6 month. Keep us and our marriage in prayer.