Dear Dr. Buckingham,
Please help me work through my anger and disappointment with my husband. I married my husband who was also my high school sweet heart. We have been together 10 years and have had problems over the past two years because I recently learned that I could not have children. This has caused us to fight often because my husband told me that he wanted children when we got married.
When I first found that I could not birth children, he was very supportive. But, over time, he grew angry. Out of desperation, I thought about asking my younger sister to sleep with my husband with the intent of getting pregnant. I know that this sounds like something from a Jerry Springer show, but I felt desperate and knew that my sister would do anything for me.
Most people told me that my husband and I should have hired a surrogate mother or adopted a child, but we could not afford it so I wanted to ask my sister. I told my husband what I was thinking and he agreed to sleep with my sister. I got extremely angry with him because he said yes. I was disappointed because I was hoping that he would tell me that I was out of my mind. After he agreed, we fought daily and I ended up telling him that I was not sure if our marriage would last. Did My Husband Cross the Line by Agreeing to Sleep with My Sister?
Disappointed Wife
Dear Disappointed Wife,
First, I would like to say that I am sorry to hear about your birthing challenge. Second, I would like to say that I am not in a position to judge anyone. I believe that God has the final say regarding our actions. My response is not intended to be judgmental, but to shed light on a complex situation. With this in mind, I believe that both you and your husband crossed the line.
You asked him to violate his vows and he agreed. I understand that you were desperate and under emotional distress and that he was frustrated. However, you both took wedding vows and agreed to have and hold each other for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, and until death.
Your proposal and your husband’s response were both indecent. This situation truly reflects the severity of your marital discord. The amount of emotional distress that is demonstrated due to your birthing challenge is worthy of seeking professional help.
Some people would tell you to leave your husband because he agreed to your proposal knowing that you were not emotionally stable. Others would say that he has a thing for your sister. Please be careful of what and whom you listen to. A lot of us say that we would never compromise our morals or values. While this sounds good and ethical, I can tell you that a lot of people do a lot of bad things when they are emotionally hijacked. Emotional hijacking refers to a state when an individual’s logical thinking is overpowered by his/her emotions.
Before you crucify your husband and throw your marriage away, please get help for your emotional distress. I believe that you placed him and yourself in a very awkward situation. Your marriage may or may not recover from this situation. Please get some professional help so that you and your husband can do what is best for you all.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.