I thought we were happy! How did this happen?
This statement was my reality not once but TWICE! During our engagement, I had an affair, and years later in our marriage, my husband had an affair. Imagine that, right?
Perhaps you don’t have to imagine, and if this is so, I’m sorry for your experience. But I’m sure you will one day be like me—in that I’m thankful for the wisdom we’ve gleaned from our cheating experiences.
If you are on the other side of the fence (and therefore can’t relate to an infidelity). stay there. Know the grass is not greener on the other side and you have to mow that lawn too…so mow your own! I say this in love 🙂
We have all fall victim (myself included till now) to so many societal lies, that all too often we don’t even realize it. We allow the lies to occupy our subconscious, and we continue to run on autopilot, believing and living the lies. So what do I mean exactly?
The lie of “my marriage is happy, so an affair will never happen to us.” I know because I believed this lie too…until it hit home in our marriage.
During our engagement, we were truly HAPPY! There is no doubt or question about this. So how did an affair occur?
I wish I had the time or unlimited word count to share, and if you are interested in knowing the whole story, back story and all you can review my book (Love After Adultery: The Breakthrough Journey of the Brokenhearted) on Amazon. But in short, I was naïve in in believing the “happy marriage lie.” Because of that, I allowed myself to be friends with someone who was getting married as well and who was HAPPY with his fiancée too! And then, two happily engaged friends became much closer than they should have,
Truth be told, we are not the only ones who believed this lie—that happiness is a relationship’s sole protection from infidelity. If I had a dime for each time I heard a wife tell me the above opening quote, I‘d be half way to rich!
As an Infidelity Prevention and Recovery Coach (no to mention a
survivor-turn-thriver), I truly get it personally and professionally now. All too often spouses assume because they’re in a happy marriage, it translates to their marriage not being at risk for infidelity. WRONG! Trust the expert and someone who can truly say “been there, don’t that” and not once but twice.
There are numerous reasons for cheating in marriage—and did you know many have nothing to do with the marriage itself?
One of the most shared misconceptions is that spouses cheat because they’re unhappy in the marriage. Guess what? Nine time out of ten when I’m speaking to these couples, the wayward spouse (the one who had the affair) confesses with great sincerity that they still love their spouse deeply…us included.
Imagine that? Now for the record I DO NOT condone affairs, and wrong is wrong. At the same time, we are all human and people make mistakes? I mean a SINCERE mistake, and I’m not speaking of those “repeat offenders” who I refer to in my book that cheat habitually.
The wayward spouse will go on to say they love their kids too and enjoy their family along with their marriage. Quite often the wayward spouse who cheated will say they were truly happy.
So why would a spouse cheat if they’re truly happy?
Coaching in the cheating arena has taught me this: The majority of spouses who cheat arrive at the point where they discover some type of displeasure with themselves. There is usually some deeper rooted reason why they cheated versus what appears at the surface. For example, being a workaholic and feeling insufficient as a result, feeling like a poor parent and/or struggling with unhealed past hurts that have never been confronted and conquered.
Rather than confronting these shortcomings and trying to address and heal them, many of us act as if they are not occurring and bury them deep below the surface. They fall victim, as many of us do, to the other societal lie of…put on your mask and smile, acting as if everything is okay internally while that couldn’t be far from the truth.
Often times this is a main contributor to cheating. We can only sweep so much under a rug before it piles up and “creeps” out if you know what I mean!
Unfortunately, we still live in a world where we are not encouraged to discuss valid insecurities. And we already know the stigma associated with mental health in our own communities sadly enough. So rather than being able to communicate aloud about a wayward spouse’s insecurities, desires, shames, etc., he or she will continue to internalize and live by default in their own superficial happiness. But one must design a life of true internal AND external happiness.
Also, it is important to note that their deeper desires are going unfulfilled manifesting themselves in unhealthy ways.
So how does all this amount to an affair? It is the need to satisfy such deeper desires compounded with their inability to communicate them that plagues them to fulfill in secrecy (e.g. by having an affair).
Happy marriages do NOT ensure infidelity prevention
Hence why many couples have told me they never saw an affair coming, including us. Why is this exactly?
Here is where I wish I had that unlimited word count to go in depth because it is needed to fully understand this, but again I encourage you to get my book for more specifics. But in short, it’s because the tighter a couple holds on to the facade of happiness without accepting and discussing openly and safely the times they are not so happy, it runs the risk of more and more secrecy building.
Rather assuming that you and your spouse are picture “perfect” happy, may I encourage you BOTH to take a page from our marriage journey:
- Nurture and encourage heart-to-heart conversations with one another. If your schedules are busy like ours, then schedule times to talk (marital meetings) where you simply touch base to check-in on one another AND access the marital barometer of health. I get it, life gets busy! However, I urge you lovingly to make sure you are MAKING time for your __________ (insert your personal term of endearment). This SHOWS you care and fosters true happiness!
- ACTIVELY LISTEN to one another wholeheartedly and without judgment. Becoming a better spouse requires you (myself included) to REALLY listen to one another WHILE accepting each other’s short comings…We all are flawed in one way or another. Don’t always go into conversations assuming they are going to be ugly or get ugly. Rather try to not only speak life but think life Let’s be realistic as well: Sure these talks will not always be pleasant and may catch you off guard—in that they may be about some unusual things you never thought you’d needed to talk about. At the same time, discussing them means you’re confronting and best of all conquering potential problems that could very well wreak havoc on your marriage and lead to more secrets that lead to affairs.
Help your partner, help your marriage
As mentioned above, because affairs are more about individuals’ own insecurities and/or feelings of inadequacy, doesn’t mean you can’t make your marriage less vulnerable to an affair. It’s about being as proactive as possible to avoid being reactive.
Please keep in mind that this: If your spouse has kept things from you in the past or even continues to hide things today, then sometimes there might be something you are doing and/or saying (verbally or non-verbally) to send them such a message. These actions may keep them from feeling fully comfortable enough to talk to you about what’s really on their mind and heart.
I know it is hard to look in the mirrors at ourselves and own our stuff, but trust it is very necessary to the success of your marriage. Trust me I know!
I’m going to challenge you and your spouse to do the following:
- Time to go deep, deep internally
Stop and reflect, looking inside yourself to discover and identify what are your most uncomfortable topics? Some of the most common uncomfortable topics are parenting, money, fantasies, sex, past relationships and in-laws. Chances are, if you are uncomfortable talking about them, so is your spouse. There is a chart in my book on how to navigate difficult conversations. - Now, you know what’s next, right?
It is not enough to identify the above. So it is time to discuss them and create solutions to potential problems. Don’t discuss items if you are already stressed out or pressed for time, but rather be intentional in planning and setting up a successful conversation between you and your spouse.
Secrecy makes your marriage vulnerable to an affair. However, the more you and your spouse talk openly and honestly about your shortcoming and inadequacies with each other, the more secure your marriage will become creating authentic happiness with one another.
Make your marriage meetings a “no conversation is off limits” environment. Try to stretch yourselves to talk and KEEP IT REAL, regarding what is on your hearts and minds that may be unsettling. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable because this is where you will find your martial growth and true happiness.
Instead of just creating a facade of happiness, you’ll be confronting and conquering challenges in your marriage that will truly make your marriage happy for a lifetime!
BMWK, do you think you are happy in your relationship? Have you had these tough conversations in your marriage to prevent secrecy?
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