When I wrote this title, I was immediately reminded of the wedding scene from the movie Best Man. Yeah, you know the one! Can you say awkward?
This scene is by far one of the most tension-filled wedding scenes and so realistically acted out on film. With his best man (Taye Diggs) sporting one heck of a black eye from a serious beat down the night before, Lance (Morris Chestnut) fights through sexual visions of the betrayal that is clearly running through his head at the altar, yet he finds the strength to marry the woman he loves despite her having slept with his best man. Even though this is a movie, understand it imitates life. And with forgiveness and the below strategies, your marriage can heal too.
I’ve been in the boat above minus the altar. I’m reminded of my own sexual visuals, which I battled to delete from my imagination after my husband’s affair. For every victory my husband would win with me against this raging adultery battle, it seemed like he’d have to take a step back every time I caught a vision of what I “thought” occurred between him and her. And this lasted for while.
No matter how hard I fought (and, oh yes, you can trust and believe it is a fight to combat such ugly visions, the the devil tried to get all up in the details. I could not free myself from these thoughts until I did the following.
7 Strategies to Combat Thoughts About an Affair
1. Remember you are human
You’re only human, therefore, you are allowed and entitled to feel. Give yourself a few seconds (not minutes) to briefly think about the vision, then immediately and intentionally redirect your attention to a “Marital Positive,” such as your wedding day, honeymoon (oh yeah:)) and/or any happy marital memory. Make a commitment to always redirect your attention from negative thoughts to an actual experience. Ask yourself “what is REAL for me today?”
2. Disrupt the thoughts
When you observe yourself fixated on “visualizing,” yell “STOP” in your head or aloud (you’ll likely want to be sure you’re alone if you’re yelling out loud). Then, keep it movin! Yep I said “movin” for emphasis. This is different than trying not to think about the vision, which only makes the visions stronger. Rather, it is interrupting the visual process. You can’t keep yourself from having these visions, but you can reject them. Allow me to suggest scripture support here in Romans chapter 12, verse 2: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.”
3. Find your distractions
Distract yourself with other positive or neutral activities, but definitely do not involve yourself in an affair too (just in case this goes without saying). I can recall throwing myself into work for periods at a time in an effort to take my mind off all the painful thoughts. The painful thoughts associated with a spouse’s affair are indeed intense and overwhelming to process them all at once. This strategy allows you to take breaks from dealing with it, by dividing the pain into humanly manageable portions.
4. Highlight the positive
It’s easy to want to assume the victim role when you’ve been wronged. We naturally want to dwell in the past, so reliving those thoughts are a part of rehashing that pain. But resist. Instead, focus on your positive surroundings and/or behaviors instead of the negative. Make a list daily of all you have to be thankful for.
5. Identify you triggers
Speaking of lists, be sure to periodically make a list of your negative visions. By doing this, you are only trying to identify what type of things trigger each, and what you do after. Next, assign one of the coping strategies (listed below in number 6) or feel free to create your own.
6. Apply your coping strategies
Remember you must be combative against any negative with a positive. Balance any negative thoughts with more positive present-day experience. For example, smell a rose (this always works for me). Get dressed up because you can. Allow yourself to feel the sun shine on your face. Wear your favorite bra and panties. If you have a dog or cat, cuddle your pet (this is my favorite considering it is statistically proven that animals can be therapeutic ).
7. Just relax
Every so often just thinking the word “relax” softly in your head with a deep breath is useful. I can remember doing the above and repeatedly telling myself, “You’re going to be okay.” (I could care less what anyone else thought or thinks. Personally, I find talking to myself occasionally therapeutic…and hopefully you will too) 🙂
BMWK, how else do you keep bad thoughts at bay?