Dear Dr. Buckingham
I am a 38-year-old married woman and my husband is 34. My husband and I have 3 beautiful daughters and have been married 11 years. We have had our share of challenges over the years, but honestly despite them, I was feeling good about our relationship up until last week. My husband watches porn in secret on his cell phone despite the fact that I have told him I don’t like it. It is causing and has caused major problems in our marriage. I don’t know why my husband has to have his own little sex life, especially when ours in lacking.
My husband works long hours and a daunting schedule and it is definitely wearing on our sex life, however I had been giving 110% waiting up in lingerie with candlelight and hours of fun. He was working 14 hour days with a 2 hour commute both ways. Well, I find out he has been downloading porn again.
He has done this on and off for 9 years. He says he stopped but he hasn’t. It really messes with me. I feel betrayed. He turns me off because it hurts that he would rather watch that than come to me. I am lacking as well. Finding out that he is keeping this secret again really gets under my skin. Well, I’ve found his porn over ten times now and each time I am ready to let him go. If he has to lust over other people, masturbate or whatever he is doing, he does not need to be with me.
We both need to realize that life is too short and if you want to go live your fantasy life, go ahead. He doesn’t believe our marriage should be on the line just because he watches porn. I have to explain to him that I believe the porn may be part of our bedroom problem. He often has issues maintaining an eructation, which leads me to think he may be thinking about his porn. I feel like our intimacy is jeopardized because of his habit.
I’ve been trying to get to the root of this problem to better understand, and all I can come up with is that he is tired of being with the same woman. I love my husband, but sometimes I feel I’ve done all I can do. When we sweep the issue under the rug time after time, it leaves me feeling like I’m living a lie. I really don’t have a happy home if my husband is doing this in his spare time instead of making love to his wife.
He sees porn as adult entertainment and doesn’t care that it bothers me until I am ready to walk away from my marriage. I see it as a violation and believe that he is committing adultery. My marriage is in jeopardy over my husband’s porn habit. What Can I Do To Prevent Porn From Destroying My Marriage?
Dear Wife In Distress,
Unfortunately, sexual misconduct in the form of pornography is destroying many marriages. The difficulty with porn is that mental health professionals are not sure if it is an “addiction” or a compulsion. Porn addicts exhibit behavior that is similar to substance abuse addicts. Behavior might include lying about use, being secretive, becoming defensive and minimizing the affect. When an individual becomes dependent on something (alcohol, drugs, porn, etc.) their tolerance increases. This means that they need more and more to feel satisfied.
Some men use porn because they are unhappy and some use it to simply live out fantasies that their wives are not capable of or willing to fulfill. Also, some men use porn to enhance masturbation or to cope with declining sexual functioning. Finally, some men are just compulsive in nature and have difficulty with changing certain behavior.
Continue Reading Dr. Buckingham’s Response
Regardless of the reason for porn use, it can create personal and interpersonal problems. As you witnessed with your husband, porn addiction can contribute to desensitizing. He is having difficulty becoming aroused because of his unwillingness or challenges with being romantic with you.
I offer reasons listed above so that you can consider a different perspective. Understanding what drives your husband’s behavior is a necessary step toward saving your marriage. We do not always have to agree with our spouse’s behavior, but we should seek to understand it. I have worked with individuals who have loss their jobs because they could not resistant the urge to watch porn at work. I say this not to alarm you or to create anxiety, but to help you understand that addiction to porn is not just a mind over matter issue. Some individuals need treatment. Unfortunately, I have never seen an addict resolve an addiction without some form of help.
I understand that you feel violated and unappreciated, but I can assure you that attacking your husband and persecuting will not help your cause. As matter of fact, this kind of behavior will likely cause his secretive behavior to escalate. Some people view porn as a societal evil and others view it as an expression of high sexual gratification and pleasure. Based on your marital distress, it appears that you and your husband have different views about porn. For this reason, I highly recommend that you seek professional counseling.
While mental health professionals have different views about porn being an addiction, we do agree that any behavior that is uncontrollable and contributes to personal or relationship dysfunction should be addressed in treatment. In summary, to prevent porn addiction from destroying your marriage I recommend that you seek to understand it and get professional help. A sex therapist can help you and your husband work through this challenging issue.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.