Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I need your valuable professional advice for the situation I am in. I got married five years back and after a year I got divorced. One of the reasons for the divorce was there was no sex in our relationship. He ejaculated even before insertion. Our marriage didn’t work out.
After 3 years, I got remarried. It’s been just 5 months. My husband is a divorcee too. Unfortunately, he has no desire for sex. He did not even try to have sex with me for about a month after we got married.
I initially thought that if he is not initiating, definitely there would be a valid reason for that. I trusted him very much. But then I realized he is just killing the time and giving me excuses every other night like “you know I am so tired” or ” I am jet lagged” (as we traveled from India to US after 15 days of our wedding).
Then it started bothering me. I asked him strongly and he responded saying that sex is not important for him and he didn’t marry to have sex. It was shocking for me because I saw myself sailing in the same boat that I was in my first wedding.
You are not alone when it comes to being in a marriage that is filled with infrequent sex.
He has no excitement within himself for sex. He doesn’t touch me sexually. I have to initiate all the time. I have a fear that I have to live a married life without sex since, in my first year of marriage, I don’t have that sexual pleasure and intimacy that should normally be there. It takes a long time for (him to get an) erection and he does not engage in oral sex.
I feel cheated about the fact that he (did not disclose) he didn’t have sex in his previous marriage either. Sex is important for me. I am young and active. It feels like I am begging for something from my husband that is my right.
I feel very frustrated these days. I get irritated over trivial matters. I am 31 years old and my husband is 32. He even said that he is too old for sex now (though he agreed later that he was foolish to make this statement).
But all this makes very clear in my mind that he has no desire for sex and romance as normally a person should have at his age. He doesn’t feel anything if I touch him. His physical intimacy is limited to just hugging and kissing. We have had terrible arguments over this topic.
Now, at times, he makes love to me just because he feels that if he doesn’t, I will get angry or upset. In these five months I have experienced most of the nights where I am trying to initiate making love to him and in a few seconds I hear him snoring.
That is the time I feel most pathetic and then I end up (awake) the whole night. I feel restless. I feel that I have to kill my excitement when it is at its peak. This is really affecting my health physically, mentally and emotionally.
I am very sincere about my relationship with him and from the depth of my heart I want our marriage to work. I cannot share any if these facts with my parents and family, but there is no knocking the boots going on in my marriage. How Do I Survive in a Sexless Marriage?
Looking forward to hearing from you soon.
Warm regards,
Sexless Wife,
Dear Sexless Wife,
I am sorry to hear that you are being denied one of the greatest pleasures of marriage, which is to have soulful sex on a regular basis.
Sex is good exercise and helps keep us healthy. Medical professionals argue that sex is good for our health because its good for respiration, muscles and even bladder control. However, you are not alone when it comes to being in a marriage that is filled with infrequent sex.
You are not alone
According to the National Opinion Research Center, the average American couple reports having sex 66 times a year and Newsweek has noted that 15% to 20% of couples have sex less than 10 times a year, which is defined as a “sexless” marriage.
There are numerous challenges that contribute to sexless marriages such as raising a family and working extended hours. Unfortunately, infidelity and psychological issues are also common causes. Before you persecute your husband, seek to understand him. Be mindful that the “I am tired” excuse might be associated with underlining psychological issues such as performance anxiety.
What can you do?
Your ability to survive in your sexless marriage will be determined by your understanding and willingness to support your husband. Your husband’s lack of motivation for sex may be physical and psychological in nature.
If he has had a difficult time getting an erection in the past, it might discourage him from having sex. If he has had a history of poor performance during sex, he will be less likely to initiate contact.
Performance anxiety could be the real issue with your husband and his anxiety might be manifesting physically and behaviorally. Your frustration regarding your husband’s deception and lack of sexual interest is justified and I empathize with you.
However, please remember that good sex making is influenced by our state of mind. If your husband feels pressured, he will lack the desire to be sexual all together or will probably perform poorly during sexual intercourse.
What can he do?
Your husband and you might benefit from speaking with a sex therapist or specialist. Your husband might also need to attend individual therapy for potential self-esteem and ego issues.
Unfortunately, men’s self-esteem and egos are strongly influenced by our sexual identity. There are not a lot of men who will not honestly and openly talk about sexual challenges. I know this is not right or fair, but it is a reality.
My Final Thoughts
Sexual bonding is a physical pleasure that is good for us, but emotional bonding is a spiritual necessitate for sustaining our relationship. Seek to understand your husband’s emotional state and your sexual tension might be eased. Remember that good sex generates from physical energy that is intensified by psychological and emotional energy.
If you would like to learn more about how to cope with your husband and save your marriage, secure copies of my books, “Unconditional Love, Marriage Edition and 99 Strategies for Making Your Marriage Last Forever. Both books can be purchased at: www.drbuckingham.com.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.