WARNING this article may contain TMI and REAL TALK!
Ever wonder what it is like to _________________________________ (insert your fantasy here)?
Chances are I’ve done it! Now don’t get me wrong…I haven’t done EVERYTHING! After all, I’m only 38 and have many more amazing years ahead of me and my husband…so, yup, more fantasies to come for Mr and Mrs. Macklin!
However, I am proud to admit that I have fulfilled many of my fantasies along with my husband’s fantasies. I decided years ago to LIVE a life of NO REGRETS! If I want to do it…I do it! If I don’t…then I won’t!
I say all this because I firmly believe marriage is a partnership NOT a solo act. And that means being inclusive of each other’s needs, wants AND fantasies.
I can remember the first time I shared one of my fantasies with my high school sweetheart of five years. Talk about feelings hurt! I was made to feel judged, belittled and completely shot down. Clearly that was the opposite of inclusive, and after that, I never shared any more of my fantasies with him. However, it taught me a valuable lesson where I vowed to myself “the next man I get into a relationship with must be open-minded, accepting of my fantasies and non-judgmental” and I’m happy to report my husband is all that and MORE…shout out to my hubby Chris Macklin!
Let’s keep it real, shall we? We all have fantasies!
Just the mere mentioned of the word FANTASY triggers certain visuals, yes? Hmmm, where does your mind take you or should I say where does your fantasy mentally take you?
It is important to be clear and honest with yourself regarding your fantasies, and most importantly be honest with your spouse. If not, withholding those secret desires from your spouse could cause problems in the marriage. However, it is my belief and experience that fantasies can be healthy for marriages when executed TOGETHER vs. apart.
Allow me to expound.
According to statistics published in the Wall Street Journal, roughly 98 percent of Americans have sexual fantasies. So let’s stop pretending with your spouse that you don’t. It’s normal, so there’s nothing to be ashamed of. But it’s the type of fantasies and their corresponding impact on relationships that I want to address.
According the story’s research, most couples in exclusive relationships fantasize about someone else—either a person they’ve never had sex with or a past fling. It is my belief, if I surveyed these same people above, the number would directly correlate to infidelity statistics. Not all, but some.
Think about it like this, how many times have you had the mere thought of calling out of work and after marinating on that thought for awhile, you actually did it? Same concept, by merely fantasizing about someone other than your spouse, you’re placing yourself in dangerous territory.
Just like when we allow the thought (let’s call it a fantasy) to marinate we begin to allow our brains to calculate the likelihood of us actually ACTING upon them. There has been many of day’s where I use to ENTERTAIN the thought of “I’m going to call of work” and the MORE I marinated on the thought, the SEXIER it became! And guess what? Yep I called off!!! Now as I matured, I’ve become conscious to stop myself from entertaining those thoughts. So as soon as the thought entered my brain, I would counter it and say “nope not even going to marinate on that thought any further.”
I give this example because biologically it has been proven that the brain is hard wired to take action on any thought/fantasy. So if you feed it a fantasy, it does not try to filter the fantasy. Rather it attempts to ACT on it. How do you think affairs occur? They occur after we have allowed our thoughts to marinate on the fantasy, and then the brain takes action. If you’ve read any of my prior articles you know both my husband and I committed affairs in the early part of our marriage. It’s a long story so be sure to go back and read the prior articles for the history.
I say all that to say, I know from experience that fantasizing about someone else is indeed bad for your relationship. I’m living proof of the above. What started as an innocent relationship turned into an affair. On a couple occasions, I found myself fantasizing about this gentlemen, and the next thing you know, it had turned into an emotional affair, which inevitably turned physical. Yes, not all fantasies (with people other than your spouse) will lead to an affair, but it can lead to negative results, such as jealousy or insecurities within the marriage.
But what happens if you channel your sexual fantasies to include your partner? People are going to fantasize, and sexual thoughts will likely be triggered from time-to-time. But what happens if you direct those thoughts to include your spouse?
Well, the study from the Washington Post story says it works:
“In the first study, 102 individuals who were in a heterosexual, monogamous relationship were brought into a laboratory and asked to fantasize about their partner or someone else. One-quarter of the people were told to fantasize sexually about their partner; one-quarter were told to fantasize about solving a problem with their partner; one-quarter were told to fantasize sexually about someone other than their partner; and one-quarter were told to fantasize about solving a problem with someone other than their partner.
The participants were then asked to describe the scenario they imagined in detail, including how they felt afterward. The study found that the people who had sexual fantasies about someone other than their partner felt guilty. And the people who had sexual fantasies about their partner had more interest in their partner.
‘All they had to do is fantasize sexually about their partner and—boom!—their sexual desire increased,’ says Dr. Gurit Birnbaum, the lead researcher.”
Marriages should take note of this—along with the understanding that when fantasies are SHARED and consensual between spouses they can increase trust and intimacy creating an unbreakable bond like the one shared by my husband and I.
When you include your spouse in your fantasies and share those fantasies with your spouse, you close the door of secrecy. You create an atmosphere where you feel comfortable and confident to turn to one another to fulfill each other’s sexual desires.
Once you reach this point of openness in your relationship, I can attest that your sex life will reach new heights!
BMWK: Do you even know what your spouse’s fantasy or fantasies are?