Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I have been in a relationship for 6 years. It started out wrong because my partner and I were both going through separations. We both agreed that we wanted to do things right by completely divorcing and then getting married one year later. I divorced first, but my partner started a new relationship behind my back.
Within the last year, he has moved in with another woman and has thrown me away like trash. I was directed to Facebook by a family member and found pictures of him and another woman. He continues to tell me that he loves me, but only stops by to see me 20 to 30 minutes at a time and provides no financial support.
Moral character should be the main character quality that you look for in selecting a soul mate.
We do not go on any dates and he does not spend any time with me. We had a very special relationship. He was the only guy who prayed with me and we shared everything as if we were best friends. I watched him get up and get on the prayer line every morning for the past 3 years. I do not understand why he betrayed me. My heart is broken and my world is shattered. I love him and know in my heart that he is my soul mate, but I am trying to stay away from him. I guess did not really know him. What Are Some Characteristics of a Soul Mate?
Broken Heart
Dear Broken Heart,
I am truly am sorry that you have experienced such betrayal and pain. I will not spend much time talking about your partner because I do not think that you should spend much time talking about him either. I realize that it is difficult to let go. However, letting go is in your best interest. Also, I highly recommend that you seek professional counseling to address potential self-worth and self-esteem issues.
Your partner showed you who he is and where he wants to be. I know that you think that he is your soul mate. Many women feel this way, especially when they have difficulty walking away. Imaging yourself without him is scary so thoughts of sticking with and fighting for him probably occur on a regular basis. I get and understand the feeling of having a romantic partner. However, I do not understand why you would want to be with someone who is not soul mate material. Let me explain my idea of what a soul mate is and is not.
In my estimate, I believe that a soul mate is someone who has a soul. The soul is a spiritual principle embodied in each human being. It is the part of us that consists of our mind, character, thoughts, and feelings. Given this, I define a soul mate as someone who is spiritually driven and is of sound mind and good moral character.
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Moral character should be the main character quality that you look for in selecting a soul mate.
- Is he noble?
- Does he possess certain attributes such as empathy, courage, fortitude, honesty and loyalty?
- Does he keep you feeling high on love, not pain?
If the person you love causes you pain, then your love is being misdirected. Also, your soul mate should be able to relate to your emotional distress and demonstrate unwavering commitment to doing whatever is needed to comfort you. Finally, your soul mate should be a generous and pure hearted person.
Given my definition of a soul mate, it does not appear that your partner is soul mate material. He cheats, lies, and demonstrates total disregard for your feelings. The manner in which he is treating you is wrong. If he will not and cannot be a person of good moral character, then you should be that person and go against what you know is wrong. Staying with him would be wrong, so be courageous and true to you and move on.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.