by Aja Dorsey Jackson
My husband and I met in our early 20s and every now and then before we got serious we would end up at a party playing some type of tell-all-your-business game. Outside of those grown-up truth-or-dare moments, we have rarely talked about any sexual experiences we had before we got together.
I was not a virgin when I met him, made obvious by the fact that I already had a child. He knew that at some point I was with someone other than him and I felt that was all he realistically needed to know. I felt the same way about his past. As long as I knew that he was disease-free, didn’t have any potential baby mamas somewhere, and wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, I wanted to be spared the gory details about what may have occurred before I came along.
But while the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy has worked in our marriage, is it always the best approach?
I recently listened to the story of a wife who found out her husband had a same-sex relationship 10 years before they met. He claimed that he did not divulge the details before their wedding because the encounter only happened once and he was not attracted to men so it had no bearing on their current relationship. In my opinion, this is something his wife had a right to know before they walked down the aisle.
What about partners that have a promiscuous past? Is having a grocery list full of past partners something that should be shared with a current one? What about deviant behaviors or past diseases? There is a fine line between what-matters-now and what-happened-then when dealing with matters of past and present. How do you know when to keep quiet and when you should kiss-and-tell?
Have you and your spouse talked about your sexual pasts? Are there things that should be absolutely shared with a partner? What about things that should be off limits? Does someone’s sex history influence your view of them as a potential mate?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.