by Aja Dorsey Jackson
My husband and I met in our early 20s and every now and then before we got serious we would end up at a party playing some type of tell-all-your-business game. Outside of those grown-up truth-or-dare moments, we have rarely talked about any sexual experiences we had before we got together.
I was not a virgin when I met him, made obvious by the fact that I already had a child. He knew that at some point I was with someone other than him and I felt that was all he realistically needed to know. I felt the same way about his past. As long as I knew that he was disease-free, didn’t have any potential baby mamas somewhere, and wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, I wanted to be spared the gory details about what may have occurred before I came along.
But while the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy has worked in our marriage, is it always the best approach?
I recently listened to the story of a wife who found out her husband had a same-sex relationship 10 years before they met. He claimed that he did not divulge the details before their wedding because the encounter only happened once and he was not attracted to men so it had no bearing on their current relationship. In my opinion, this is something his wife had a right to know before they walked down the aisle.
What about partners that have a promiscuous past? Is having a grocery list full of past partners something that should be shared with a current one? What about deviant behaviors or past diseases? There is a fine line between what-matters-now and what-happened-then when dealing with matters of past and present. How do you know when to keep quiet and when you should kiss-and-tell?
Have you and your spouse talked about your sexual pasts? Are there things that should be absolutely shared with a partner? What about things that should be off limits? Does someone’s sex history influence your view of them as a potential mate?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.
I think that the sexual past, in terms of any health related issues should absolutely be shared. Other than that, I don’t feel the number of sex partners or any deviant behaviors of the past need to be shared. I don’t think there are really any benefits that can come out sharing that particular information in the current relationship.
Great post, Aja!…I’m not married but this is something that comes up in relationships all the time…I’m all for transparency and honesty but these conversations often go terribly wrong, which can lead to lingering insecurity and distrust. I believe that sharing is okay if someone believes it would provide a better picture of someone’s character or if there are health or safety concerns to address. Aside from that, I believe you should proceed with caution in this area because the risk is often much greater than the reward.
When you met your soul-mate that a new beginning,throw your sexual past in the trash….Cause everybody have a sexual history,it something you just don’t talk about,to your partner…you got to be careful,cause what you say,can be held against you,that it might come back around,and bite you,that all i’m saying…remember…your tongue is your worst enemies…but,each it on…
I think it only matters in terms of health. Get tested together and if you’re both good, it shouldn’t be an issue. Now, as far as using the past to look for future behaviors, that can be dangerous and self-sabotaging. Pay attention and trust your gut, and you pick up on red flags if they’re there.
The subject matter is always an interesting topic that has pros and cons on both sides. But here’s real talk. While your spouse may verbally keep their sexual past in the past, their present actions (what they will do sexually or won’t do sexually or being pissed off with you because you won’t do sexually) takes up residences in your marriage.
One spouse wants one thing, the other spouse doesn’t b/c that reminds them of some sexual relationship of the past. It ain’t never talked about because what’s in the past is in the past. And now there’s an issue in the marriage and one partner is clueless to where this issues are sprouting from. But you claim what’s in the past is in the past – “Not.”
Yes this is a slippery subject. But you better keep it real with come “Courageous Conversations” if you want to prevent your marriage from hit the proverbial brick wall.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
you tell ’em. Preach!!
I believe in full disclosure. A person’s sexual history says a lot about his or her character. We got that out of the way when we first started dating.
Different people will approach this different ways. Personally, I believe in putting it all on the table. If something has the potential to cause a problem I would rather disclose it upfront than bury it in the past. It is not about judging someone. I just think it is important to know if there are patterns you need to be on the look out for.
A good friend of mine hooked up with a woman who had a history of being abused in relationships. As a result of the abuse she had some serious emotional issues that did not show up right away. She never disclosed the previous abuse. Long story short their relationship took a sharp turn for the worse due to issues she was still dealing with from being abused.
To me, it is not about sex. It is about understanding what the other person may be dealing with. If a woman has been in an abusive relationship I want to know. If she slept with half the guys in town I would like to know that as well. Maybe there is a deeper issue going on that led her to do that. I’d like to be aware of that issue up front. In my opinion, family history, personal history, and financial history are three things potential married couples need to be transparent about.
Yes and no who want a sneaky partner.he or she might have been something they don’t want what if she was a flipper and he gay and lord no whatever else.
well…just yesterday i disclosed my sexual past to my fiance and we’ve been together for 5+ years. It was never an issue before and I don’t anticipate it will ever be. I don’t think you need to talk about it until you’re talking about marriage, if you need to talk about it at all. If it was a dramatic sexual past, definitely your partner should know! but other than that…no details necessary.
I think as a man, its good to dig up a little past so that you know the devil in the angel. this will help you to find a way of dealing with the angel, and keep her an angel, there are many causes for sexual activities be4 marriage; including age and curiosity, wrong parents and friends, bad genes sometimes, state of poverty, women empowerment in that country, and many more. so your angel has a past and so do you, its these skeletons in our closets that make us strong and think better,mostly when we share them. we share them not to scare our partners but have them know us and accept us 4 who we are, we are all devils in our own way.
so move on with your angel and show thw whole world that she or he is worth something to you and for ever
Check out the hyperlink to a video post that speak on this issue.
https://www.blackloveandmarriage.com/2011/03/my-wife-told-me-she-was-a-virgin-but-i-found-out-shes-had-anal-sex/
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
I would normally be all for disclosure if women weren’t judged so much more harshly than men. In my opinion, most men who consider themselves to have a rather average or tame past, would look unfavorably on their wives or girlfriends with similar sexual histories. Because of this I can not support full disclosure….excluding discussions on family planning, STDs, sexual abuse or same-sex experiences.
If that man judges you and looks at you different because of your past, chances are he probably doesn’t love you.
I wouldn’t disclose about sexual abuse or rape because that could get thrown in your face as well. Speaking from experience. And to be honest it is not a pleasant feeling to get to a point where you can try and heal from it and disclose it to someone that is supposed to be able to trust.
Women are definitely judged more harshly than men when it comes to sexual past. What a man can call a ‘mistake’ that he made in the past, if the same situation applied to a woman it would be called a ‘major character flaw’ and make her virtually unlovable. Women have to be very careful about disclosure, even about the very distant past. There is no equality about that particular subject matter and women have to be very careful about what they do sexually AND what they say about it later. If you do your best to exercise good judgment while you are single you will have very little explaining to do later.
Wow – this is a very interesting topic, and one that I’ve wrestled with myself. I am not married….yet, but I am open to discussing my sexual past with men that I have been in relationships with. For me, the topic inevitably comes up because I am a virgin who intends to abstain until marriage, and I think it is only fair that men who might be interested in me be made aware that sex will not enter into the dating equation 🙂 I believe this may have caused some men to feel uncomfortable sharing their pasts with me, but I see it as only fair to know the sexual history of a potential spouse – especially since they’ve been privy to mine (or lack thereof, lol!). Now this doesn’t mean that I need to know every little detail of every intimate encounter, but I would appreciate gaining an understanding of how the past has shaped the present in terms of their preferences, likes and dislikes when it comes to bedroom activities. Enjoying the discussion!
Wow – this is a very interesting topic, and one that I’ve wrestled with myself. I am not married….yet, but I am open to discussing my sexual past with men that I have been in relationships with. For me, the topic inevitably comes up because I am a virgin who intends to abstain until marriage, and I think it is only fair that men who might be interested in me be made aware that sex will not enter into the dating equation 🙂 I believe this may have caused some men to feel uncomfortable sharing their pasts with me, but I see it as only fair to know the sexual history of a potential spouse – especially since they’ve been privy to mine (or lack thereof, lol!). Now this doesn’t mean that I need to know every little detail of every intimate encounter, but I would appreciate gaining an understanding of how the past has shaped the present in terms of their preferences, likes and dislikes when it comes to bedroom activities. Enjoying the discussion!
Wow – this is a very interesting topic, and one that I’ve wrestled with myself. I am not married….yet, but I am open to discussing my sexual past with men that I have been in relationships with. For me, the topic inevitably comes up because I am a virgin who intends to abstain until marriage, and I think it is only fair that men who might be interested in me be made aware that sex will not enter into the dating equation 🙂 I believe this may have caused some men to feel uncomfortable sharing their pasts with me, but I see it as only fair to know the sexual history of a potential spouse – especially since they’ve been privy to mine (or lack thereof, lol!). Now this doesn’t mean that I need to know every little detail of every intimate encounter, but I would appreciate gaining an understanding of how the past has shaped the present in terms of their preferences, likes and dislikes when it comes to bedroom activities. Enjoying the discussion!
Hmm, this is a tough one. I personally would prefer not to know too much about my wife’s past. There are of course some things that I needed to know and she disclosed them to me because they weren’t things that could be omitted from a conversation about our sexual relationship. But at the same time, as a man it is difficult to imagine another man doing anything to your wife. That is the reason why I usually prevent her from telling anything more than the basics like any type of abuse, when she lost her virginity, etc.
I also wanted to comment on what the author says about her situation and the anecdote she used. She stated that, “As long as I knew that he was disease-free, didnt have any potential baby mamas somewhere, and wasnt sleeping with anyone else, I wanted to be spared the gory details about what may have occurred before I came along.” Well then she stated about the anecdote, “In my opinion, this is something his wife had a right to know before they walked down the aisle.” Well that is a bit contradictory to me. I agree more with the second point that perhaps that should be something shared because you never know if he may show those tendencies again, but it doesn’t fit into anything of the categories the author originally described. So I would add that I think any relations with the same sex should ABSOLUTELY be discussed and in detail. The problem with that is, how do you know what the truth is and if they aren’t still being influenced by that. We live in a day and time where that topic has become taboo in our community, particularly with men. I think that is something that should be discussed. If your partner keeps something like that hidden from you then perhaps the answer is clearer than what they may or may not tell you.
Wow, this is difficult for most couples. But, I think it should be shared especially concerning health issues. But, when you get married you should always be open and honest with your partner. If they ask, I would recommend you letting them know. There is no need for secrets or graphic information.
Wow, this is difficult for most couples. But, I think it should be shared especially concerning health issues. But, when you get married you should always be open and honest with your partner. If they ask, I would recommend you letting them know. There is no need for secrets or graphic information.
DON’T DO IT. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. TRUST ME. BROTHERS CAN’T HANDLE IT NO MATTER THEY MAY TELL YOU.
Tell em!! I know from experience and that is so very hurtful to have it thrown in your face … NEVER AGAIN!!
Some day your past will haunt you if you don’t up front discuss with a mature person that you first must have the relationship with. Because of beliefs we with hold alot from each other but want truth and honesty out of the other person. Give the person a chance to accept or reject what you share with them. People we truly have to grow up and mature, relationships and marriages are on a roller coaster LOW. Invest in your relationship and protect it. If you don’t deposit in it you can’t reap anything from it. This is not a game!! Once you accept the past, forgive and Love, move forward to assure each other of support.
We live in a self-indulgent age that asserts that everyone needs to know everything about us all the time as if the world is all about us and no one else. People who feel the need to divulge all their dirty details in an effort to “be honest with a spouse…” might be a case of trying to relieve guilt instead of truly love someone else. I believe that if you have done something in your sexual history that could potentially hurt your spouse then you should let them know but otherwise keep your mouth shut and vow to be a better relationship partner in this new found love.
NEVER tell a man. My hubby knew only b/c we were friends for 7 years before we dated. Ever heard Chris Rock’s stand up on the subject. It’s true: “Two? TWO? I guess that’s just how you was raised” LMBO. No matter how few (or many) men you’ve been with, even if he’s been with 4 times that amount, it’s TOO many to him. Period. Aja’s point is well-taken, you need to know JUST ENOUGH to verify no defaulted upon child support (prior children) and no diseases.
Great post! I believe that it is important to share. My husband and I have a a completely open relationship and both feel that even if the other may get upset about a past experience, because those experience can and do shape who we are as people it is important to share them. I trust my husband to tell me everything- it is a trust that he shares with me – and any realization that that trust has been broken can change the foundation of our marriage. When you share your life with someone, you have to share your life – the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I wrote about this in a post called “Ghosts of Sex Lives Past” ~> https://happilymarriedafter.org/2011/09/14/ghosts-of-sex-lives-past-in-marriage/
You (the author) say that you believe that sexual history should be in the past. Then immediately you go on to talk about the man who had had a same-sex relationship 10years prior, and how you think THAT should have been shared.
I am recently separated from a woman that had the same kind of double-standard view-point. It’s ok if the man has to share a dirty past, but not for the woman? She had been a stripper before we got together; THAT she had shared with me. But she had never been the type to take a guy out back for a little extra money. I was ok with that. I never used it against her throughout our 6 year long relationship. I CHOSE to believe and trust in her and what she claimed she wanted for the future.
She was a big proponent of that same “don’t tell a man your past” bullshit, but the same rules didn’t apply to equivalently “shameful” pasts for the guy.
Some time AFTER we were married, she broke to me that she had taken money for sex for a little while – that she had been a prostitute.
My beef wasn’t that she had had that in her past. It was that she hadn’t disclosed that to me. I mean, I knew you were a stripper, then why withhold the rest?
Still, I never used that against her – not once.
At the end of the day, the truth WILL come out one day. Would you rather find out your wife used to be a ho when you`re 10 years deep with a couple of kids and you never knew about it? Or is it better for both people to know as much as they want to know at the start, and then if they still want you, then you know it’s the real deal?
I’d rather the latter.
Be real with me about scary stuff, and my trust in you is that much deeper.
In my humble opinion, christian perspective, i gues both parties must fully disclose their past, remember its the vows that marries you. In which those vows are to be taken in utmost gud faith. Now what is utmost gud faith,it is letting ur potential wife know who u were before he/she came in view, now when u hold back something in your life then u defeat the utmost gud faith part. Jus like when u repent from being a sinner, u have to tell God that u have done to have that sweet joy that goes with being free from sin, but if you do it while you hold back some other things u’l be decieving yourself and remain bound with those past things, so is it with your sexual past and everyone u were with before ur spouse, tell them all about, because at some in time those things will get ahold of u and mo naturally u’l get temptation from the past.
You want an open-well-communicative relationship? Start with being open yourself right from the start, marriage must be God centred.
I agree with Tiya. Outside of health related issues I don’t need to know the details of my wife’s past. Spare me!! I only need to know that you’re committed to me now.
I’m all for full disclosure. I and my wife have told each other everything about our past from same sex relationships, promiscuous behavior, cheating, abusive relationships, rape and so on. We’ve shared the good and the bad, all of our sexual tastes and so called weird experiences. In my opinion this has made us much stronger as a couple. Complete honesty is a glue to our marriage. But then again neither of us are judgmental or narrowminded with regards to sexuality.
Your sexual history is a big part of who you are, and I feel you should share that if you truly want to know your spouse.
If your spouse is you soulmate, your best friend, you should tell everything. Not as a shameful confession, but as a way to understand the joys of past sexual encounters, what each of you enjoyed and didn’t. My husband and I have found these discussions to be a source of joy and intimacy.