I don’t mind being wrong. I know, you probably think I am lying, but really, I don’t mind at all. What I do mind is talking to people who will go to their grave swearing they are right about something when, as far as I see things, they are dead wrong.
The problem is, who makes the determination about what’s right and wrong in your marriage? Even if you swear you are right, are you, really? Let’s assume that you both share the same values, because if you don’t that’s a whole other post. With similar values in place, you still can have major differences in opinion. Maybe you see eye-to-eye about how to get something done, and sometimes you may just feel like your spouse is dead wrong about an issue that affects both of you. What do you do, then?
IS IT MORE IMPORTANT TO BE HEARD?
I’ve come to find that the need to be right is self-serving and it really doesn’t bring your relationship to a better place. Now the need to heard—well, that is completely different. Being heard means that your partner is taking to the time to listen to what you have to say and making an attempt to understand your perspective. What we all have to realize, however, is that being heard and understood does not mean that someone has to agree with you or think you are right. I may be a great listener, taking the time to ask clarifying questions so I can fully understand your perspective, but it does not mean I have to agree with what you are saying.
Now, in an effort to be right during any discussion where you both aren’t on the same page, an argument can begin. The person who already conveyed how they feel sees the need to express their views again. After all, if someone thinks you are wrong, they clearly didn’t hear what you said, right? No! That is not right at all. It simply means that they don’t share your perspective.
So do we keep hammering in our point until our partner agrees with us and tells us we are right? I wouldn’t recommend it. That just leads to frustration because hammering it in may not change a thing, or your partner may finally say your are right because they know it’s what you want to hear and they want you to back off. Either way, no one is better off. The issue remains unresolved.
I am not going to make the argument that no one is ever really right because that just isn’t true. Are there cases where opinions vary but both perspectives are completely valid? Of course. But are there also cases where your partner is really missing the mark and you are completely justified in feeling like they are wrong? Yes, I think that can happen too. What you have to ask yourself is this: Do I need to be right about everything, and is that need harming my relationship?
If there isn’t a moral line being crossed, you have to wonder if forcing your “right” point of view on your spouse is even necessary. Agreeing to disagree is a beautiful thing. It’s a sign of maturity and respect. As long as you both continue to share the same values, the need to be right is something that can easily be pushed aside. It’s not that important.
Instead of insisting that you are right, maybe you should focus more on how you deliver your message and whether or not you are listening and being heard. If your partner thinks you are wrong, hear them out and try to step outside of yourself so you can understand why they feel that way. Truly listen to what they have to share with you. It can make a huge difference.
Yes, I agree that being right can feel pretty good, but at what cost? I think it feels better to know that I was heard but my partner respectfully disagrees with where I stand. On the surface, maybe it’s not as sweet as being right may be, but when you dig deeper, being heard and respected is some pretty good stuff.
BMWK: Do you have to be right all the time? Or would you at least rather be heard?