by Delano Squires
Needless to say, President Obama has had a rough fall. In November, the Democrats suffered what he described as a “shellacking” in the midterm elections and last week he received stinging criticism from members of his own party over his willingness to compromise on one of his most significant campaign platforms: eliminating President Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans. A common refrain from his supporters is that President Obama has not been nearly as inspirational or passionate as candidate Obama. Many supporters also feel he has not fully delivered on the pledges he made to voters. While one could argue the merits of these specific claims, one thing is clear: the President is neither the first nor the only politician to be accused of not fulfilling campaign promises.
All of this made me think about the ways in which people present themselves when they are dating and in the early stages of relationships. I’ve often heard that what you see during those periods is the other person’s “representative,” which typically means their best projection of self. While everyone’s representative is different, given the uniqueness of our individual personalities, I want to talk a little about two of the most common dating personas””the “politician” and the “flasher”””because both have implications for expectations in dating and satisfaction in more serious relationships.
While neither of these roles are gender specific, I believe that men are more prone to adopting aspects of these personas, primarily because men are more likely to play the role of pursuer in the early stages of a dating relationship. Men, particularly black men, are also bombarded with images of masculinity that often run counter to our true personalities yet appear to have a great deal of cultural currency. Pop culture’s fascination with “swag” means that a Lil Wayne wannabe will typically be more successful on the dating scene than a Ben Carson clone.
The Politician
While seemingly harmless, politicians are much like their real life namesakes: skilled at telling people what they want to hear and adjusting their talking points to suit the intended audience. This can occur through seemingly innocuous questions such as “What type of guys do you typically go for?” or “How would you describe your ideal man?” Questions like these can provide an incentive for a man to contort his personality and dating approach to be more attractive to the woman being pursued. Politicians do many of the things that any woman would love: purchase nice gifts, plan elaborate outings, and say all of the right things. The problem here is not the politician’s actions but his motives. If the goal is to “win the election,” particularly if there are other candidates in the race, then there is a good chance that some of what is done in the early stages is likely a means to accomplishing that outcome.
Politicians can leave you disappointed when campaign promises are not met and when the energy and excitement that was so evident in the campaign (i.e., dating) subsides dramatically once the candidate has won the office being sought (i.e., a relationship/marriage). There are also drawbacks for politicians themselves. There is a certain level of anxiety that comes from trying to determine whether a person is interested in the “real” you or the image you project. In addition, as the President is realizing, politicians often face harsh criticism when campaign promises go unfulfilled; and as in politics, this disappointment can leave a frustrated voter longing for a new candidate.
Flasher
For many people the word “flasher” conjures up images of a man in a trench coat who exposes himself to unsuspecting women as they pass by. Putting the nature of this image aside, the metaphor itself is useful. In the dating context, a flasher is simply someone who reveals who he is and allows the person being pursued to choose whether the compatibility level is sufficient to take the relationship to another level. This does not mean that a flasher doesn’t do things to convey interest but it does mean that he remains true to himself throughout the process. In fact, a politician and flasher can do the exact same thing (e.g., plan a date to a museum or play) but do it for different reasons. The politician’s primary goal might be to distinguish himself from the competition and impress his date, while the flasher’s aim would be to have an enjoyable outing and an opportunity to genuinely get to learn more about the woman he is dating. The key difference lies in each person’s motives. The goal of a flasher is to present an accurate picture of who he is and what he stands for. At times this might involve acting in ways that go against the flow of modern dating advice. For example, a flasher would rather adhere to his goals of financial stability and stick to his budget than splurge on a fancy restaurant for a first date.
Admittedly, there are a number of other dating personas that could have been discussed but my goal was to encourage each of us to examine how we interact with others when dating and in relationships. Outwardly, there isn’t much that separates a politician from a flasher. They can both use the same words and perform the same acts, but politicians mix good intentions with flawed motives. A flasher’s primary goal, however, is authenticity. There may be a degree of anxiety involved in this type of transparency but the benefit is priceless: the peace that comes with knowing you are being accepted””or rejected””based on who you really are. Furthermore, authenticity helps to prevent unreasonably high expectations when a relationship progresses to the next level. Ultimately, it is better to under promise and exceed expectations than vice versa, so the next time you’re tempted to get into campaign mode remember that sometimes it’s good to be a flasher.
BMWK, have you ever been the “Politician” or the “Flasher”? How did it affect expectations and satisfaction once you were in a serious relationship?
Delano Squires is currently a graduate student in Social Policy at the George Washington University. His interests are contemporary African American culture and fatherhood, families, and child development. Follow him on Twitter @Mr_Squires.