Being single is hard. That’s what one blogger, Emma Lindsay, shared in a deeply moving, soul-baring piece that is now breaking the Internet.
Single ladies everywhere put their hands up—not to declare that a man needed to put a ring on it—but to bear witness to the pain of doing life alone.
Women especially resonated with Lindsay’s discovery that the myth of self-sufficient, Independent woman crumbles when you’re faced with the devastating loneliness of returning to an empty apartment at the end of a long day.
- Who brings you a bowl of soup when you’re sick?
- Who checks in on you to make sure you have everything you need during a snow storm?
- Who is there to hold you while you vent about the horrible thing your boss said to you at work today?
- Who is there to celebrate when you get the promotion?
But the worse part, Lindsay said, was that you can go weeks, months or years without anyone touching you. No, she’s wasn’t talking about sexual touch. She’s was talking about the basic human need to have someone touch your arm and ask you, “How was your day?”
Think about it. Touch is one of the first senses we develop as infants. Skin-to-skin contact sparks a chain of chemical reactions in that infant, which helps to foster better emotional and physical wellbeing. But those emotional needs that touch fulfills don’t go away after childhood.
Take the case of Candice Benbow. As a writer and Ph.D. student at Princeton Theological Seminary, Benbow responded to Lindsay’s piece from the perspective of a black Christian single woman who has been made to feel that being single is a part of some cruel spiritual lesson in suffering that God wants single black women to learn. She, too, spoke about how the lack of physical affection is one of the worse parts of being single:
“Have you looked at a single sister in your life and wondered when was the last time she’s been held? Have you asked her? In the wake of my mother’s passing, my skin began to do some crazy things, and I sought the help of a dermatologist. After examining me and hearing about what just transpired in my life, my dermatologist said “Your skin is missing your mother. Your body is grieving this loss. His declaration led me question- if our bodies react to the unexpected traumas, in what ways have they been reacting to the continuous neglect they face? How have single black women’s bodies reacted to weeks, months, years, decades without touch? In what ways have these bodies conditioned themselves into believing they will never be held again?
These sisters are speaking of what scientists call “skin hunger” or “touch hunger.” Just like we need air to breathe and food to eat in order to survive, we also need physical touch. A hug. A back rub. Someone to hold our hand. A kiss. The absence of regular human contact has been scientifically linked to depression, anxiety, loneliness and even physical ailments like high blood pressure, heart disease, inflammation and decreased immune systems. The struggle is real, ya’ll.
As a dating coach who works intimately with sisters, helping many of them go from zero dates in 10 years to an active dating life that results in a committed relationship, I’ve borne witness to how the pain of loneliness affects a sister’s daily life. And I’ve worked hard to create a safe space so that women can give voice to this pain, because everywhere they turn, people are preaching at them, telling them things like:
“Just wait on the Lord. If you’re faithful to the church (read: go to every service, give all your money, volunteer on every committee) then God will bless you.”
“Oh, you think being single is hard? Try going outside the will of God and marrying the wrong person. Being married and miserable is hard!”
“You need to enjoy your singleness. Girl, once you have kids and a husband, you won’t be able to travel like that. Enjoy it!”
“Maybe God hasn’t sent him yet because you’re not ready. You’re acting like a girlfriend when you should be preparing to be a wife. You’re still in debt. You need to learn how to cook. You can’t even make your bed yet. The Holy Spirit won’t allow you to be a wife because you’ll mess up someone’s life!”
“Stop asking God for a ring! That won’t make you happy. You must be happy in Jesus while you’re single or you’ll be unhappy when you’re married!”
“Focus on loving yourself right now. You can’t be in a relationship with someone else until you’ve perfected your relationship with yourself.”
“If you have sex before marriage, God will punish you. Even if by chance you DO get married, God won’t bless your marriage!”
“Don’t do that online dating stuff. That’s getting ahead of God and asking Him to bless your mess! You have to show Him you trust Him.”
“A woman should be so hidden in God that a man has to go through Jesus to get to her!”
Sure, in some cases that advice is valid and useful. But what my clients have told me is this advice is out of touch with their realities of living single in 2016, and it makes them feel like:
“I’m not good enough to be in a relationship.”
I’m being punished by God because of a mistake I made in the past.”
“Something is wrong with me because I’m still single.”
I remember during one coaching session, I told my client to tell God the truth about how she felt about the fact that she had followed all the rules and she was still not married at 40 years old. In that holy moment, she confessed that she felt ashamed for letting her college boyfriend seduce her because she thought God was punishing her for breaking her vow of celibacy. And she also shared that she was angry because she felt like God was withholding her husband from her without telling her what to do to make things right.
We both wept on the phone as she released decades of repressed shame, frustration and fear that came as a result of hearing “advice” that devalued her desire for marriage, blamed her for still being single and made her feel invisible in the process. She came to accept the truth that God wasn’t trying to make her suffer and that it was okay to acknowledge her need for love and, most importantly, to do something about it (like online dating!)
I’ve seen how this truth has set women free. My clients tell me how their high blood pressure returned to normal; how they lost 40 pounds; how they were able to walk away from stressful jobs or gain the courage to tell their families they were no longer going to be the go-to babysitter just because they were single and began living again—all because they were able to be real about how they feel about being single.
Do you struggle with the secret fear that you’ll die alone? Are you tired of well-meaning family and friends asking you, “why in the world aren’t you married yet? Are you tired hearing backhanded compliments, such as you can cook and clean and you’re so pretty, why are you single? Are you sick and tired of people making you feel ungrateful for your life because you tell them it’s hard being single? If you said yes to any of these questions, I want to let you know I see you. And I’m listening.
BMW, Please tell me your story below so that others can bear witness and so that you will know you’re not alone.