by Harriet Hairston
I’ve noticed in my years of marriage that avoiding disagreements is as simple as giving the other person a few more words. Consider the following scenario (names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty):
Kevin and Jada are a married couple with a four year old son living in a small 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom home. Jada recently lost her job and has been hot on the trail looking for another one. Kevin just got a new job that requires him to go to work early and come home late. Their son, who stays home with Jada to save on day care costs, is entirely potty trained…except at night, when he wets the bed occasionally.
Early one morning, the little boy wet the bed again, and Jada got out of bed to help him get cleaned up. It so happened that this took place during the usual time Kevin prepared for work.
In her mind, Jada thought, “Let me just give our son a cursory wipe down instead of the normal shower I make him take, because Kevin will be needing the bathroom soon to get ready for work.”
As Kevin was approaching, he asked, “Is anyone in the bathroom?” At that point, Jada and their son had completed their initial task and they exited.
As they were leaving, Kevin asked, “What’s up?”
Jada responded, “I was going to make him hop in the shower, but I’ll wait.”
Kevin, seemingly incensed, said, “As long as I don’t hear any complaints about me kicking you all out of the bathroom later on, I’m good.”
What the Hallmark cards is that all about?
It could all have been so simple, but instead, tension has entered their home for two reasons:
1. Jada has complained before, and instead of saying how she felt, she established an environment where she assumed she knew what Kevin was feeling instead of just ASKING him.
2. Kevin, not knowing that Jada wanted to leave the bathroom as a courtesy to him, used that opportunity to fend off an attack that wasn’t even foremost on Jada’s mind.
Although this was a simple that could have been normal banter, it turned into an unpleasant episode for both Kevin and Jada. How can this be avoided in the future:
1. SPEAK what you understand–don’t just THINK it. Jada gave Kevin factual information, but the REASON she left hurriedly was because she knew he needed the bathroom more than she and her son.
2. Stop assuming you know what the other person is thinking. Kevin, so jaded by Jada’s past behavior, automatically assumes that she will continue to act the same way she had in the past. He doesn’t give any room for her to change in his mind, so he fends off an attack that wasn’t even coming.
3. Adjust to and acknowledge the positive changes taking place in each other. Kevin had a new job, and Jada stopped tripping about small things, but neither of them acknowledged nor made adjustments to those changes.
All in all, learning how to appreciate one another and actually verbalizing that appreciation can make a world of difference even in mundane, daily tasks.
BMWK, in what ways have you noticed that a few more words can make a huge difference in your marriage?
God bless!
~ Harriet