Hi Dr. Buckingham
I’m a single 43-year-old, never-been-married women. I’ve been dating a 53-year-old, divorced man for the past 11 years. We grew up across the street from one another, and our mothers still live across the street from each other. Since we’ve been dating, he lived in another town in our state of Oklahoma. He retired three years ago and moved to Texas and started working. Keep in mind: he didn’t discuss the decision to move with me.
Anyhow, I went with him to pick out the house he bought, and I travel to go to see him often. He lives 1.5 hours from our hometown, and we see each other often when he comes back to town. He still has two properties in Oklahoma and works at a hardware store in Oklahoma on the weekends.
I’ve gotten burnt out on the long distance relationship and have discussed this with him as well. He says I make good points and says he wants to address my concerns. But instead, he tries to pacify me by taking trips together, and he never states where our relationship stands. We both love each other, and I feel its time to seal the deal and become one, but he never says much about it. No proposal after 11 years of dating. how long should I wait?
P.S. our communication is good, and we have fun with one another and are committed to one another.
Thanks
A Woman in Waiting
Dear A Woman in Waiting,
Some therapists would argue that it only takes about two to five years to determine if marriage is the right thing for you. Therefore, 11 years sounds like a long time, right? Well, it is not. I personally do not focus on time frames as much as I do on the type of time spent. In the big scheme of things, “time frame” is just a number.
I provide therapy to hundreds of couples who have been married 20 plus years and are struggling in their marriages because they got married for all the wrong reasons. Some got married because they had fun together, had similar professional aspirations, enjoyed good sex or due to anxiety associated with ticking clocks. I mentioned ticking clocks to remind you that depth and understanding of each other come from spending quality time together not quantity time (11 years). What do I mean by quality time?
As a therapist, I talk and listen to women daily and find out more about you all in one hour than your significant other does in five to ten years of dating or marriage. I am capable of establishing this connection with women like you because I offer quality time, not quantity. A man can buy you expensive gifts, take you out to dinner, to the movies and on a first-class trip around the world and never get to know you because he does not listen to you.
A man who offers quality time has a genuine interest in trying to understand what motivates and drives you. However, he can only do these things if he takes the time to ask: “How are you feeling? What are your desires? What makes you happy? How can I satisfy you? Is there something I can do to make your life and our relationship better?
You should be having conversations with meaning. If you are not having interactions with meaning, then you are not necessarily getting quality time. Quality time involves a certain level of attentiveness. You know what you need and want from your man, and he should be willing to explore and entertain your needs.
I am concerned about two factors in your relationship: 1) poor communication and 2) your boyfriend’s avoidance of addressing what appears to be important to you. You mentioned that your boyfriend made a decision to move to Texas and did not discuss the move with you. You also mentioned that he never says anything about where your relationship stands, especially when it comes to sealing the deal.
I am not sure what “good communication” means to you. In my guestimate, good communication involves being able and willing to discuss difficult topics with sincerity and openness. Your boyfriend’s avoidance is not sign of good communication. If I had to guess, he probably does not communicate with you about getting married because most men like to take the path of least resistance. Be mindful that some men and women think about and define commitment differently.
You have spent 11 years of your life with your boyfriend and probably have not given him any indicators that you would leave if he did not marry you. Given this, most men would argue, “Why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free?” I do not say this to offend you but to raise your awareness. Instead of focusing on how long you have been with him, focus on the quality of your relationship with him.
You should wait long enough to determine if he can and is willing to offer you quality time. Remember that his desire and ability to meet your emotional and psychological need for stability is more important than the amount of time he spends with you having fun. Also, remember that getting a ring is not as rewarding as keeping a ring. True companionship requires emotional bonding that occurs through meaningful interactions—quality time.
To learn more about how long you should wait on a man to propose, please visit my website: drbuckingham.com and secure a copy of my book, “You Deserve More: A Single Woman’s Guide to Marriage.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.