In my coaching practice, I always bring couples to the realization that they can’t change their partners. As frustrating as it may be, that particular partner has to have a desire to change. But often, when you find a partner worth the sacrifices that accompany change, it will naturally happen.
After I met and married my husband, I quickly realized a few of my behaviors weren’t going to be beneficial for my relationship. I didn’t just have to change, I wanted to change. My husband was worth it.
Please allow me to share with all of you what I changed specifically and why.
I changed how I communicated
I’ve mentioned before how I was the shut-down queen. I could go days without speaking to my husband when I was upset.
That behavior served no one. It hurt our relationship and stunted our growth as a couple. It wasn’t going to work.
As I studied relationships, I learned how to manage my anger and deal with our issues as an adult. I now share with my husband my concerns as well as my needs. What a difference effective communication makes!
I changed the type of wife I was
I didn’t quite understand how important it was to make my husband a priority and to make our marriage great for him too.
I now feel that I’m a great wife. I pattern my role after the Proverbs 31 wife. My desire to be a good wife became my primary goal. I had to take myself out of the equation occasionally by putting him first, more often. It changed our whole relationship.
I changed by showing more affection
My husband needed it, so I make sure now that there are more random hugs, spontaneous kisses and frequent touching. Our physical connection is necessary for our marriage.
I changed by paying closer attention to his needs
Thinking he didn’t have any or not even making them a priority wasn’t serving us well. Just assuming I knew what his needs were wasn’t good for us either.
I started asking about his needs more often. I found that demonstrating they were important to me was key. I paid attention to him. I know what gets him excited, what causes him pain and what makes him feel supported. As often as possible, I’m in tune with those needs.
I changed by not being selfish
This change saved my marriage. I had to realize I wasn’t the only one in my marriage. My husband’s thoughts, ideas and emotions mattered.
I am no longer as self-centered as I was in the beginning of my marriage. I cater to my husband, and I make sacrifices where necessary to ensure he feels as loved and appreciated as he truly is.
Change is sometimes necessary in many marriages. Once we recognize which behaviors aren’t beneficial to us, change must be a large part of the solution. Giving up actions that have only caused us pain should be an easy decision. Change can be a healthy action that truly improves our marriages. An awesome partner is worth the sacrifice and our own personal transformation.
BMWK, What changes have you personally made for the sake of your marriage?