Couples are often misguided into thinking that it’s better to lie to their mate rather than be honest and risk hurting their feelings. Or they justify deceitful behavior by convincing themselves that what their mate doesn’t know won’t hurt them. My work as a Relationship Life Coach coupled with the many conversations I’ve have with friends, family, and colleagues confirms that nothing could be further from the truth.
Honesty conveyed with love, respect, and compassion is critical to maintaining a healthy relationship. Lying only compounds the hurt, anger, and embarrassment that couples try to avoid. Remember intention is a great predictor of outcome. If you become focused on not hurting your mate, ultimately the choices you make and the actions you take will lead you to doing just that…hurting them.
A couple that I recently worked with was a prime example of how the lack of honesty can destroy a relationship. For the sake of this article we will call the wife Tiffany and the husband Patrick. Tiffany and Patrick loved each other deeply. However, Tiffany had never been happy with their intimate relationship. Patrick was not a considerate lover. He never wanted to engage in foreplay, he rarely kissed her, and he never wanted to try anything new. Tiffany’s biggest concern with Patrick was that he just didn’t measure up in the size department. Rather than tell Patrick the truth, she tried suggesting new positions and introducing bedroom toys. Patrick was not receptive to either. His attitude toward her ideas felt condescending, which ultimately made Tiffany withdraw. She became resentful and as a result lovemaking became a burdensome chore for her. She often rejected Patrick’s advances with excuses or made up illnesses. She convinced herself that intimacy wasn’t really that important. After all she loved Patrick and otherwise they had a great life.
Tiffany’s constant rejections began to make Patrick feel insecure, angry, and hurt. He started to wonder why Tiffany wanted to try new things in the bedroom. As far as he was concerned, they had a pretty good sex life; so he thought those things were unnecessary. Patrick’s fear of rejection became so intense that he stopped trying to initiate sex with Tiffany. He too, rationalized that besides the lack of sex, they had a marriage that others envied. Rather than tell Tiffany how he felt, he reasoned that he could satisfy his sexual needs elsewhere and keep his family intact. After all, what Tiffany didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. He figured he could take care of his needs and still maintain a happy marriage.
After two years of an almost sexless marriage, unspoken tension, deep hurt and anger, and a huge trust issue once Patrick’s infidelity was discovered, they called me seeking help. Their inability to be honest with one another in an effort to shield each other from hurt almost cost them their marriage. If they had the courage to be truthful about their needs, wants, desires, and feelings with one another they could have avoided the pain they ultimately caused one another. Initially the words would have been hard to hear and difficult to process, but it would have opened the door for and provided opportunity for resolutions to be discussed. Couples often forget that being in love doesn’t give your mate the ability to read your mind. Love can be familiar and comforting, but that does not make it intuitive. Couples have to learn to respect each other’s individual needs. They have to also learn to trust each other in order to communicate effectively and meet those needs.
BMWK, Is your lack of honesty diminishing you and destroying your relationship?