For me parenting has really been a learn-as-you-go process. It hasn’t come easy, although I thought it would. The parenting/co-parenting relationship is something you can’t totally prepare for or predict. You can plan with your spouse how you will raise your children, but until certain situations arise you can’t always be so sure. The moment I became a mom a unique type of love and need to protect came over me, and what I didn’t realize in the beginning it came over my husband too.
Once, I remember being busy doing something and I overheard my daughter and husband talking. It sounded as though he was fussing at her about something and then all of a sudden she burst out into an uncontrollable cry and I couldn’t get into the room with them fast enough. For a split second, I felt the wife hat come completely off and the Mama Bear hat take over. I immediately asked what happened (as I was thinking “What did you say to my baby?”).
It turned out our daughter was just emotional and wasn’t really in the mood to be fussed at about homework that day. But in that moment, I was ready to go to blows with my own husband. As a parent, we are always in protect mode. I had to take a quick step back and check myself. There were certain things I had to remember about our marriage and about the parenting team we created:
- We are in this together. One of the things I enjoy most about my life is that I have someone I love to share it with. The keyword is share. I have to make sure we are on the same page, especially in regards to raising our children. In order to get on that same page we must communicate, share our plans, our ideas and desires and create a plan together.
- We have the same job, to protect our children. So why would either of us ever intentionally set out to hurt our children?
- A different style with the same goal is ok. Because my husband and I were raised in two separate households, we have two sets of experiences. His parenting style will come from how he was raised as will mine. What brings me comfort, as we merge those styles, is that we ultimately want the same exact things for our children. So while the approach may vary, the end result will be the same.
- We must trust each other as parents.
- We are modeling a parenting style our children will emulate. We have to be clear on the cycle we want them to repeat. What we show them now about marriage and parenting is what they will come to expect in their own families. We have to make sure we get it right.
So when Mama Bear comes out and is ready to protect her cubs at all costs, she must remember that Papa Bear is there for the same reason. I am confident that my husband and I have created a great parenting team. Even when we disagree with one another, a conversation is had and an agreement is reached. What makes it work is that we value the other, and we know we both want what is absolutely best for the children.
BMWK, has there even been a papa bear vs. mama bear challenge in your family? How was it resolved?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.