In my last article, Physical Attractions And Sexual Urges: 5 Things Parents Need to Teach Their Kids, I received a lot of comments requesting more detail. So, instead of ignoring that resounding rebuke, like a man, I’m going to take that one on the chin and inject my opinion about what parent should teach their kids.
Let me first prepare you: my approach is not conventional. It first deals with the parents, then the science behind physical attraction, then the strategies for how to deal with physical attraction and sexual urges. What you won’t get from me is my opinion on the age at which I think its okay for your son/daughter to have sex. I’m sorry…but that decision should be left up to the parents and child. But what you will get from me is my advice on how you can have that discussion…and others like it.
Your Past and Biases
Before you can teach you kids anything, you have to first deal with your own past and biases. It’s understandable…parents want to protect their children from making some of the same mistakes they made regarding relationships with the opposite sex. But guard yourself against diverting attention to how you handled similar situations in your past. That emphasis takes the focus off of them and redirects it to you and your past. Rather, be present in the moment with them. Focus on helping them figure out their situation.
As a parent, all the stuff you learned from your past has created a natural bias toward what you believe is right/wrong, good/bad, appropriate/inappropriate, acceptable/unacceptable. The compilation of those biases has created your value system. Stand on your values…do that. But don’t apply biases to your children just because your parents applied those same biases to you. What I mean is, just because your mom wouldn’t let you date until you were 17 doesn’t mean that your child can’t date till she’s 17. If your child is responsible enough to handle a group date at 16 with some kids you know and trust, then give her a chance to prove you raised her to be a responsible young lady.
The Science Behind Feelings of Attraction
Know that…you cannot control feelings. So don’t try. But you can control behavioral responses to those feelings. There is neurological and physiological science behind feelings of attraction. Simply put:
- Guy sees cute girl
- A tidal wave of happy feelings is sent throughout his brain
- His brain gives commands to specific parts of his body to respond to those happy feelings. For example, he smiles. His eyes get wide. His heart beats faster, which causes shortness of breath. Blood flows to specific parts of his body.
The same process happens to girls too. Her face turns red. She smiles and giggles (think of teen girls at a Justin Bieber concert). These feelings are the natural functioning of a maturing young boy or girl. And their physiological behavior is subconsciously automatic and physically uncontrollable. But at 13 – 16 years old, all they are intelligent enough to interpret is “I like her” or “He’s cute”. So when you approach your teen to talk about the opposite sex, they don’t know how to express their feelings yet, which makes everyone feel awkward. As adults, we have the luxury of experience to inform us about what our feelings mean…and how to respond to them. But teens are just trying to figure out all these new weird feelings…without embarrassing themselves.
What to Do With Feelings of Attraction and Sexual Urges…
A parent’s job is to guide them through this exploration. But you can’t figure it out for them. They have to learn for themselves. How? By neurologically attaching feelings of attraction and sexual urges to expected behavior. Here are 6 tactics and tips for how to do it.
1. Distinguish Between Feelings and Behavior. In the ‘feelings of attraction’ model above, physiological responses (i.e., their behavior) come after happy feelings are triggered by seeing a cute girl or guy. So don’t waste your time trying to address their behavioral responses without first dealing with the feelings that trigger them. We’ll deal with their behavior last.
2. Find Out What is Acceptable Behavior in Their Cultures. Teens exist in multiple cultures simultaneously (e.g., family, school, church, sports teams, etc…) And each group has its own acceptable behavioral norms of interaction…including what is acceptable behavior for how to deal with physical attraction and sexual urges. Find out what those behaviors are.
TIP: Ask what their friends and classmates do when they like someone. Let them do the talking. Assume the worst. Make a mental list. Resist asking them what they personally do at this point. You are just focusing on their cultural norms.
3. Categorize Those Behaviors into 3 Categories: Generally, their friends’ behavior will fall into 1 of 3 categories: peepin’, freakin’, and pokin’. (These names are intended to be easy to remember for teens and not meant to be crass. Come up with your own category names if you like.)
Peepin’ is when a teen is just looking at someone – ‘he’s cute’…’she’s phat’. Freakin’ is when there’s touching involved. This includes kissing and touching clothed or unclothed body parts. Pokin’ is where there’s insertion of any kind. There could possibly be a forth category, Peakin’, which cover sexting and watching pornography. Include this at your discretion. Don’t mention these categories to your teen yet. We will use them in step 6.
4. Understand Their Feelings About That Behavior. Ask your teen how he/she feels about how their friends deal with physical attraction and sexual urges. Ask him/her what they do in similar situations. I’ve found that talking about other people first loosens them up to talk about themselves.
TIP: Resist telling them how they should feel…especially when you disagree with them. Again, you can’t control feelings. At this point you’re just trying to understand their feelings. And you are building trust and transparency between the two of you.
5. Validate Their Feelings. Now understanding the neurological science behind physical attraction, the most important thing you can do is to validate their feelings. Yes…validate them! You don’t have to agree with them. Just assure them it is okay to have feelings of attraction. This will remove barriers of awkwardness and set the foundation for future communications between the two of you.
TIP: You can validate their feelings by talking to your teen as if they already are attracted to someone. “She’s cute. You like her?” or “He’s cute. Has he tried to talk to you yet?” or “Who’s the cutest guy/girl in school? Why do you think he/she’s cute?” And don’t get all…logical-adult…on them. Remember, validate their right to have feelings – whatever they are. You are building trust and transparency. They might avoid the conversation at first. But over time, they will open up.
TIP: When they do open up, don’t pass any judgment on their feelings. Don’t pivot and start addressing your expected behavior regarding those feelings…which will be your natural inclination. Let their feelings carry the moment…without any corrective measures. In so doing, you validate that it’s okay for them to have feelings of physical attraction. And you are building trust and transparency between the two of you.
6. Attach Their Feelings to Expected Behavior. This last step uses the science behind feelings of attraction (i.e., see, feel, do) to directly link their feelings of what is good/bad, right/wrong, appropriate/inappropriate, acceptable/unacceptable to their behavior. Here’s how.
- Explain to them that all the behaviors they identified falls into 3 (or 4) categories: peepin’, peekin’, freakin’, or pokin’.
- Explain what each means in simple terms (keep it light…don’t get all parental on them).
- Then discuss what feelings of attraction are appropriate for each category. Ask them what they think. Correct them where necessary.
- Lastly, reinforce your point by painting a beautiful word-picture of why specific feelings are good/right/appropriate/acceptable for specific behavioral categories. Also paint an ugly word-picture for why certain feelings are bad/wrong/ inappropriate/unacceptable for specific behavioral categories.
Over time, this will neurologically link their feelings of attraction to specific behavioral categories. So when they see someone to whom they are physically attracted, that tidal wave of happy-feelings will directly link to what is appropriate/acceptable behavior…and what is not.
TIP: Reinforcement is key! To create a strong, instinctive, automatic neurological response between your child’s feelings and their behavior, you have to reinforce it with multiple conversations like the ones outlined above.
TIP: If your teen is already ‘pokin’…validate that feeling. Remember, sexual desire is a very natural feeling. But then, paint a very strong picture that ties their feelings to what is good/right/appropriate/acceptable for the pokin’ behavioral category. If you have other requirements such as age and relationship status, include those values in that picture as well. But don’t fear-monger. It will back fire. Be practical and empathetic.
The long and the short of it is that…feelings of physical attraction and sexual urges are normal natural feelings that parents need to be actively helping their children figure out. The way to do it is to directly tie those feelings to good/right/appropriate/acceptable behaviors. And in today’s culture where sexting, twerking, and all manner of debaucherous activities are no longer kept undercover…but are celebrated publicly on youtube, parents owe it to their children to create those neurological attachments sooner than later.
BMWK – How will you get started?