It’s been couple of weeks since my wife and I dropped our son off for college for his freshman year. I have to say only now are we beginning to adjust. Even with our very vocal daughter still under our charge the quiet emptiness our son has left behind is palpable. For years I salivated over the idea of getting him out of the house. He ate too much, slept too much and did too much or too little of plenty that fathers perpetually beef about when it comes to their sons as they age into young men. But as we got closer to that day of departure for college I was caught off guard as I became overcome with sadness. I was losing/giving my son to the world, with only faith but not proof of what the outcome will be. I eventually overcame my sadness by spending as much quality time as I possibly could with my boy in the remaining days we had together so by the time we drove away from his dorm I was happier for him than sad for myself.
In 2009, as one of the first male writers here at BMWK I often shared my experiences with my then young son. It only seems appropriate that now, as he makes his entrance into adulthood that I should share once more with the audience here. What follows is an abbreviated version of the letter I wrote to my son for him to read on his own once he was off at college. It took me four weeks to complete. In it, I share my love and my guidance for my son. I’ve decided to share it here because this is the hub for marriage and parenting for persons of color. Black and Married With Kids has also emerged as one of the greatest stages to present to the rest of the world that we aren’t the one-dimensional, caricatures that mainstream media — from television to movies to music — wishes us to be. What follows is my testimony that I willingly took up the mantle of fatherhood, raised my son the best I could, and will continue to do so. I love him and I am not afraid or too tough to say so. I am no exception. Nearly all the fathers of color I know feel and do the same for their young. We are hiding in plain sight everywhere, not seeking recognition for our everyday activities, but definitely acknowledgement that we do in fact exist.
Dear Son,
I’m beginning this letter to you in early August. I’m not sure what date I’ll end this but I’m thinking it may take weeks to get it all typed out. Right now I’m in Chicago being driven through the neighborhoods of my childhood. From what I see outside my car window there isn’t too much to speak of. Some of these places look like they’ve been hit with mortar shells. This is truly heartbreaking. But that is the nature of this life game: if you don’t take care of something, it falls into decay. Remember this, because knowing so will keep you ahead of the crowd.
I’ve made many mistakes in this life. Some weren’t so bad and others have been downright idiotic. I don’t have any regrets though. I’ve been blessed with the ability to learn from many of them. This has made them teachers to me rather than my destroyers. Some of the lessons were easy to learn. Some were and are still painful to this day.
Unfortunately, you’ve seen me at my worst – unemployed and underemployed – out of options for a couple of years. The economy was not kind to me. As a man it was humiliating to be told “there were more qualified applicants” or “you’re too qualified” over and over again. My value took a hit that to this day I sometimes feel I am still recovering from the damage. But the whole thing made me tough and turned me from the man that I was into the man that I needed to be. So in that regard it came to make me better.
What I also hope you saw was that I never gave up. I WORKED to overcome my situation. I never stopped trying. Never quit. Never laid down and died. Not even once. I simply had too much to live for — my family and a driving sense of purpose. I kept trying. Kept knocking on doors. Kept networking and just days before seeing you off to school money is now no object for me.
Just to put things into perspective for you: in 2010 I didn’t make enough money to file a tax return. Things got barely better in 2011. In 2012 I began to make some achievements which opened the doors for me to be in the position where I am now, doing work I enjoy. I say this to say, it may not happen as quickly as you’d like but if you stay faithful and stay true to your goals and put in that hard and smart work (I stress SMART) you can and will succeed. Throughout it all you and your sister have always been provided for. And from one man to another, younger man, if I’ve been an example of anything to you, I hope that words that come to your mind are perseverance, kind, strong, dedicated, enduring, and positive no matter what. I want you to embrace these words and make them a part of your life as well. They and the good Lord above will carry you on the days that you don’t think you can get out of bed. And these days will come.
Now, here I am looking at your room in our home and our basement with all your stuff packed up for college and I look into your eyes and see that the boy I once knew is gone. You still have his smile and his laughter but a man has emerged right under my nose. And although I may be done with the rule-making aspect of raising you I think my life with you as Dad is getting ready to kick into high gear. In fact, the lessons are just beginning that will shape you into the man that hopefully the world will benefit from.
It is my goal from this point forward to no longer be your rule-maker or disciplinarian but rather your guide, mentor and voice of reason for those times when you find yourself in spaces where life stops making sense. Life is hard and it isn’t meant to be figured out alone.YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And in this regard I am here for you and always will be. I’m just a phone call, text message, skype, or email away.
So let’s go over the basics:
1.Make great friends but leave the cheap thrills alone: I honestly am saddened at the idea that you didn’t get the chance to lose your virginity as an adult and specifically with your wife. But what’s done is done. You still have your entire life to explore the most treasured thing you have to offer another person. My passionate advice to you is simply this: Don’t give it away in the name of “I’m young, who cares!” Over time you will become empty and numb and spend a lot of unnecessary time trying to figure out what love is and if you do (I certainly hope you will) you will know that what you have to give and what women have to give is priceless and not the stuff of cheap thrills. If I have one single, major regret it’s that I didn’t wait until I was married. There are a bunch of religious reasons for waiting also but instead I will leave you with this one request: Don’t make us grandparents until you are established and married. Your life will be a lot easier. Trust me.
2. Alcohol and drugs: Stay as far as way as you can. Don’t think you’re strong enough to resist. Few people are. My side of the family has buried more than its fair share of young and old alcoholics who started out young. It impairs your judgment and makes you stupid by filling your head with the notion that you’re strong and brave when in actuality you are just more likely to do stupid stuff than you would if you were sober. Bravery is knowing that you face unbelievable odds and facing them anyway, not sure of the outcome, versus running away, giving up or quitting before finishing the job. Don’t ever get this twisted. Most alcohol tastes nasty anyway. It’s barely drinkable poison (seriously, it is poison that our bodies can tolerate) and people stand around pretending to be sexy while they stomach vomit-worthy-tasting drinks. I have several friends who to this day never touch the stuff. They order cranberry juice or a soda and never give into peer pressure. Please wait until you are grown, or legal age or out of college or done playing sports. Don’t do it while it’s illegal and cops are on the lookout just waiting to catch the next black boy doing something wrong. And drugs? Say “no,” to that stuff no matter how old you get.
3. Bring Your A-Game to College: Don’t be like me. As you begin your first official week of school tomorrow DO NOT play catch up. I was very smart and came out of high school thinking I was so smart I could beat the system: the system of attending class and taking notes and following up with professors. As I’ve told you in previous talks I spent most of my four years in college playing catch-up for the worst academic semester of my life my first semester of freshman year. Just come out the gates as quick as you can. Pace yourself and get out as far ahead as you possibly can. Like a race at a track meet. It’s better to be out in front looking back to make sure all is well versus always being behind with everything just out of reach. Get with your advisors and teachers. Make sure they know who you are BY NAME and let them know you mean business. They will appreciate it. And if they don’t ask for new advisors. The staff and relatives I’ve put you in touch with will also help you stay the course when it becomes difficult or a little less easy to travel. And also keep this in mind: In order to be considered equal in many situations you have to be better at what you do than almost everyone around you. It is the unfortunate reality of being painted with brown skin. Concern yourself with equality. But don’t bother with who is better or best. Just do YOUR best. That’s it. It is entirely doable. My father challenged me with this so now I challenge you the same way. And I know you can.
I love you son. Your mother, your sister and I love you and miss you terribly and are rooting for you every step of the way. I know your mother and I often gave you a hard time about getting your head right for college, but we had no other choice. Now I have NO doubt you will succeed. You don’t have to prove anything to me – EVER. Don’t waste a second of your time trying to. The only thing I need for you to do is be the best person you can be – not a perfect person – but the best person you are – whoever that is. Don’t take any shortcuts to success, because there are none. And you will have wasted precious time discovering this yourself. Between you and I, my life is hardly over at 41, I’ve overcome a great personal challenge and believe I have nothing but streets of paved gold before me (I’m being a writer here so just follow along). But like I told you at the program on Sunday the day we left campus for the long and lonely drive back home, I want your light to shine brighter and longer than mine ever will. There is nothing you can’t do (except fly, climb walls and do all the stuff that most superheroes can do without machinery) and should you ever doubt this just know that no one but you — the man in the mirror — can stop you. Short of physical limitations, don’t allow anyone else to tell what you can’t do. Don’t allow anyone to categorize and define the type of person you are. Don’t allow anyone to treat you in a way you don’t wish to be treated. But in all things you make sure to treat others as you expect to be treated yourself. And be happy with who you are. It took me a long time to accept me for me. But I don’t think you have any problem in this department.
Think FIRST, and maybe even second, and maybe ask for a second opinion, and then ACT. And as my father says to me to this day, “Know you can always count on your dear, old dad.” Yes, you are out of the nest, but you are not out of the family. My love and guidance is here for you whenever you need it — as long as I have breath in my lungs.
I’m proud to have you as a son and so thankful to be your father. AND (drumroll) your grades are your new currency with me. Get good grades and keep that GPA high and next summer you’ll have a four-wheeled surprise waiting for you. I guess that isn’t much of a surprise after all, is it? But it could be a toy. You just never know with me…
Love ya!
Dad