I think our children learn far more from what they see than they will ever learn from what we tell them. You can express—until you turn blue in the face—how important it is to be in a relationship that’s loving, supportive and mutually respectful, but if you are not modeling that message, it can be lost on your child.
If you are a single parent who just hasn’t found the right partner, you can still model positive relationship behavior for your kids by how they see you interact with the people in your life that you love. You don’t have to currently be in a healthy, loving relationship to convey how important you think it is or what you think it entails.
So what exactly are our kids looking for when they watch us in relationships? And particularly, what are young girls looking for when they get a glimpse of how mommy manages the intimate relationships in her life, and what are young boys looking for when they look at how their dad treats their mom? Frankly, they don’t really know what they are looking for, but please know that whatever they see stays with them—for years to come.
My mother wasn’t married to my dad and I grew up without witnessing many happily married couples in my life. Because of that, I walked into marriage with a few concerns about how I would navigate this partnership when I never really watched someone else do it. Yet, despite those concerns, I was very clear on one thing. I knew what my definition of a happy, healthy marriage was and I was very clear on what type of energy I wanted my kids to feel between their parents.
Currently my daughter and son are 2 and 5, but I see how they watch us all the time. I see the smile on their faces when they see a smile on ours. I see the confusion that comes over them if we seem unsettled. I also see how they admire each of us. That said, I know that even though they don’t realize it yet, we will set a major example for them about what marriage should look like, how a man should treat a woman, and how a woman should treat a man.
Here are five things I hope my children learn over the years as they watch our marriage evolve:
Love is a powerful force, but it does not conquer all.
I love my husband with all of my heart, but I just don’t think love conquers all. I think love is some really powerful stuff, but without more you can find yourself in a pretty disappointing place. I want my kids to know that love can move mountains, but love cannot be all you rely on to sustain a marriage or any meaningful relationship. Love is beautiful, but love alone is not enough.
Without respect, a relationship won’t last.
Mutual respect is one of the cornerstones of my marriage. It has always been incredibly important for me to be in the presence of people I respect who also respect me in return. I cannot see how any relationship—intimate or otherwise—can survive and thrive if respect is not a key element. I want my kids to know that being respected and giving respect is a must in life.
When you truly love someone, support him or her with all you’ve got.
One of the best things about walking through life with a partner is knowing when things get tough, you have someone by your side that will provide unwavering support. I hope through our example as parents we show our kids what it truly means to support someone and stand right by their side.
Make yourself a priority so your marriage has a chance.
Self-care is a must and my husband and I have made many changes in recent months to show our children how important it is to take care of yourself if you want to give the people you love your best. I don’t want my kids to ever feel like sacrificing themselves for the sake of others is a healthy way to live. I want them to know that when they give themselves the best possible care, they are then in a place to give the people they love their best.
Friendship matters more than anything.
First and foremost, my husband and I are great friends. I hope our friendship show our children that the foundation of any lasting relationship should be a strong friendship. Our life together is not perfect, but it’s a happy life because we value our friendship so much and that guides our decisions. From our example, our kids will learn that a strong friendship truly does matter.
BMWK family, what would you like your kids to learn from your marriage?