When you ask a man how he feels, he may only be able to tell you what he thinks. Men are thinkers. Their feelings are hidden as the intellectual property of their soul. Feelings are filtered in their head and they are rarely able to get to them. It’s not that they don’t want to feel, but rather that feelings are hard to get to, because they are not “wired” that way. Men are challenged by this paradox because they are always running into situations that force them to the ocean floor of their emotions.
When tears are hard to hold back and anger is crying for revenge and violence, men rush to rescue these feelings with logic; calculated thought that gives rise to stability and control. If anything is ever important for a man, it is always to control his emotions. Feeling is a dance they fear having because thinking is safer and more promising. Thinking keeps them from the explosive realities of their emotions. So, it’s not that they don’t feel, it’s just that they don’t feel like women feel. Which brings up an interesting dynamic. The thought that if men do not do it like women, then they are somehow doing it wrong.
Men don’t have to do things like women to connect with women. Men need to learn and accept that the way they are “wired” is OK. Somewhere along the line, men have learned that there was something wrong with them. The way they sorted through sexual development by exploring as many girls as possible; the way they perceived their realities and responded to their environments; the way they sought attention and popularity; the way they ran from their responsibility when life left them with no resolve; the way they cried, without tears because they really loved the things they lost. There is nothing wrong with manhood, but there is something wrong with life, and men have had to live in it and figure out how and where they fit.
The man’s environment needs to take responsibility for restoring him to leadership and ownership. Society has stripped away so much, so fast. They lost everything they once had authority over. Somehow sociological progressions lead to their regression at the cost of their families.
They are not bad.
They are not lost.
They are lonely.
They are tired.
They are confused.
Even their churches and Sunday school classes are feminine in nature. Their schools were geared towards non-aggressive interactions and soft talk. And their women, well, their women have written them off as irresponsible, seed sowers with no significance. Their courts have determined that they make bad parents, compared to women. Their world has concluded that only sex sells to them and has used them for capital gain. For black men, which I won’t elaborate on extensively in this article; they were de-masculinized by their slave owners, who thought it was a good ideal to rape their wives and breed their daughters, while selling their sons.
So, men are not lost. Men are lonely and one of the greatest, most powerful institutions of restoration for them is marriage and family. Their women stand at the pinnacle of their rescue. Their women can love them back to life because real men want nothing more than a reason to belong to something.
So women, love him, like you have lost your mind. Cultivate an environment that breaks his soul and makes him collapse into your arms. Give him a touch that reminds him that life is not over yet. Look at him as though your life depends on his success. Get behind him, beside him, underneath him, and even above him when he needs to be pulled forward. But most of all, get inside of him. You will find things there that will even secure your own insecurities. Cry the tears that won’t fall from his eyes. Literally, take your tears and place them to his face. It’s been too long for him and he knows that this marriage may be the only chance he has to find his life.