When you ask a man how he feels, he may only be able to tell you what he thinks. Men are thinkers. Their feelings are hidden as the intellectual property of their soul. Feelings are filtered in their head and they are rarely able to get to them. It’s not that they don’t want to feel, but rather that feelings are hard to get to, because they are not “wired” that way. Men are challenged by this paradox because they are always running into situations that force them to the ocean floor of their emotions.
When tears are hard to hold back and anger is crying for revenge and violence, men rush to rescue these feelings with logic; calculated thought that gives rise to stability and control. If anything is ever important for a man, it is always to control his emotions. Feeling is a dance they fear having because thinking is safer and more promising. Thinking keeps them from the explosive realities of their emotions. So, it’s not that they don’t feel, it’s just that they don’t feel like women feel. Which brings up an interesting dynamic. The thought that if men do not do it like women, then they are somehow doing it wrong.
Men don’t have to do things like women to connect with women. Men need to learn and accept that the way they are “wired” is OK. Somewhere along the line, men have learned that there was something wrong with them. The way they sorted through sexual development by exploring as many girls as possible; the way they perceived their realities and responded to their environments; the way they sought attention and popularity; the way they ran from their responsibility when life left them with no resolve; the way they cried, without tears because they really loved the things they lost. There is nothing wrong with manhood, but there is something wrong with life, and men have had to live in it and figure out how and where they fit.
The man’s environment needs to take responsibility for restoring him to leadership and ownership. Society has stripped away so much, so fast. They lost everything they once had authority over. Somehow sociological progressions lead to their regression at the cost of their families.
They are not bad.
They are not lost.
They are lonely.
They are tired.
They are confused.
Even their churches and Sunday school classes are feminine in nature. Their schools were geared towards non-aggressive interactions and soft talk. And their women, well, their women have written them off as irresponsible, seed sowers with no significance. Their courts have determined that they make bad parents, compared to women. Their world has concluded that only sex sells to them and has used them for capital gain. For black men, which I won’t elaborate on extensively in this article; they were de-masculinized by their slave owners, who thought it was a good ideal to rape their wives and breed their daughters, while selling their sons.
So, men are not lost. Men are lonely and one of the greatest, most powerful institutions of restoration for them is marriage and family. Their women stand at the pinnacle of their rescue. Their women can love them back to life because real men want nothing more than a reason to belong to something.
So women, love him, like you have lost your mind. Cultivate an environment that breaks his soul and makes him collapse into your arms. Give him a touch that reminds him that life is not over yet. Look at him as though your life depends on his success. Get behind him, beside him, underneath him, and even above him when he needs to be pulled forward. But most of all, get inside of him. You will find things there that will even secure your own insecurities. Cry the tears that won’t fall from his eyes. Literally, take your tears and place them to his face. It’s been too long for him and he knows that this marriage may be the only chance he has to find his life.
This is POWERFUL! Thank you 🙂
Second time in 2 days I was given this message. I’m listening.
I agree that this POWERFUL!!!…I will learn from this and put it to use to uplift my sons.
Amazing article. I totally get it!
Wow!!! Thank you!
WOW! I get it! Thank you for breaking it down.
I first want to say I am single and want a successful relationship.
How do you do it. Steps would help in helping seduce my mate. I am still learning and understand men react differently than women. The thing that is hard at times is a man acts in a way counterproductive to their feelings. For example, instead of saying I love you he does something awkward and negative which causes distance at times.
Hey Shai,
I know, men can be difficult… but the beauty is that God can make a man for you. There are some very healthy steps you should take before you get married (www.leroyscott.com). And oh, you can teach him to say “I love you”. Start your “I Love You” lessons with him immediately. He’ll catch on. Have fun and God bless 🙂
I agree with you Shai. It is hard trying to find a good man that is ready for a serious relationship. Men are supposed to be the ones to take the lead in the relationship and in the family, but it seems to me that all of the pressure is on the women because men aren’t all that they are supposed to be. That’s not our fault, we’re not their mom and it’s not our responsibility to pull something out of man that wasn’t in them to begin with. If we as women fall, who is there to have our back, no one but the Lord, so why is it always about us helping the man figure out who he is; he should already know that prior to entering a relationship. I think that is part of the problem, if you don’t know who you are and what you really want out of life prior to entering a relationship, another person can’t figure that out for you, they can maybe help you, but essentially it’s up to you. Many men (not all) just don’t want to be responsible or accountable for their actions and expect someone to take their mess because they’ve had it hard in life, we’ll many people haven’t had it easy, especially black women, but do we get a pass?? I enjoyed the article, but sometimes it seems like women have to do all of the work in a relationship because men are so lost, don’t know how to love, etc, etc., it just seems like a bunch of excuses on the men’s part to me.
Trust me, Stephanieb. I totally, totally get where you are coming from. I am going through a similar situation. I am married, but echo your frustrations in feeling like my husband is behind me on so many levels-educationally, financially, etc, etc. We have had many blow-ups about it. Especially when I have tried to convey to him that I need to feel secure in him “having my back” if I should fall. This issue even put us on the brink of divorce.
The only thing that has saved us so far is prayer and dedication to my marriage as the Lord commands.
Though it may not seem fair, the way I look at it is that we women have 2 choices: to continue to lament that men today are not on our level or use Leroy Scott’s thoughts to take our men where they are now, build them up to where they need to be, and hopefully stop this curse from contaminating the next generation of Black men.
Yes!!!!! So with you on that… … In doing so you will even stop the “curse” from contaminating the next generation of black men. Joining ya’ll in prayer for your work in your relationships. God Bless
This article and the above responses hit so close to home. I was raised by both mother and father who all while broken gave me everything I needed to be whole. I met my mate as a freshman in HS and out environment dictated that he wouldn’t survive to see 21. I thought the notion nonsense. The odd factor though was even though he thought himself not to have a future, he ALWAYS supported mine and pushed me to hit my goals. During that time I TOLD him that his notions were ludicrous but never showed him. After about 15 years I began to resent marrying him because he had no drive, didn’t know who or what he wanted to be, was not on my level but thank God I had a platora of Christian women praying for my marriage because I JUST realized that he’s ALWAYS known what he wanted to be, who he was………he was/is MY husband. Someone who will fight as hard (or maybe even more) as my dad at making an keeping me healthy and happy. But him? What about him? No he hadn’t really grown since 14 but that was/is my fault. I didn’t put into him what he’d given me. I’d never pushed him or let him know that he was my priority. Now realizing my error, I bask in the man he is becoming through my support! It’s like he’s screaming to the world “I AM HERE, HEAR ME ROAR” oh it is such a blessing. I now realize that yes men are strong but OMG they are invincible when they have a strong, loving woman that says “baby I’ve got you”.
Time and again I see where women don’t want to accept that we react differently to emotions. When you’re trained from day one to shield them so they can’t be used against you, you don’t let them show easy. And these days if you show them more than a woman thinks you should they want to tell you to “man up”, then are confused when you do and now they can’t get a real emotion from you.
Times are confusing. You take the lead on things and you’re told you aren’t respecting their feelings, or their judgement, etc; when you pull back you aren’t doing what you’re “supposed” to do. You’re trying to strike a balance on a moving target and being blamed for not getting it.
As a man, the only thing I’ve ever wanted is to know that you have my back; that you speak to me honestly, and not get mad when I don’t mind-read or understand that you meant something different from what you said; and don’t use a vulnerability against me in an argument- that just means I’ll trust you with even less info on me and what I’m thinking. Men are interested in serious relationships too. They just want to make sure it’s the right woman to get serious about.
Great comments Stanley and I agree, dating can be frustrating and quite confusing sometimes, and we all make it harder than it needs to be. I guess people come to the table, both and men and women, with too much baggage and too much mess, which ends ups ruining the relationship. I think that we as women just get tired of being messed over all of the time and take it out on men, when deep down we really don’t mean to. I suppose that the best way to combat this is communication, which should be key early on in the relationship so that both parties know what’s going on and what to expect. If the person doesn’t sound like they are ready to commit, then on with the next. It’s good to hear a man’s insight regarding relationships and to know that some men are actually interested in a serious relationship and not just the booty.
Blessed by your article! So needed today!
I’m a 47 y.o. women. And what I have discovered is that we as women, tend not to be still long enough, to learn and know the man in our lives. We’re too quick to judge our men because we’re so emotional. My experience has taught me to shut up, be still, listen and learn. If I may so humbly suggest to our ladies, please be still long enough to learn him. Ask non-confrontational, non-condescending questions. Don’t judge a thing too soon, because God does make everything beautiful in its time. Forget about how you think the man should act. You may just find out that your own perception is contaminated by current traditions and your own upbringing, and the such.
Take a break from yourselves ladies. Take “you” out of the equation, and see what happens. -May God richly restore you to right-thinking!!!
OMG Millie I’ve learned this lesson THE HARD WAY but so totally agree. My husband took the time to truly know who I was/am but I hadn’t taken that time. Being still was/is not my strong suit but it so makes a difference! Us women sometimes blow things out of proportion and the guys standing there thinking “ummmm what’d I do/say” when our little minds are moving a mile a minute IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!
This article was helpful in understanding the human make up of men when compared to women. Also, the author does a great job illuminating the conditions that seem to foster loneliness in men. And I whole-heartedly agree “women stand at the pinnacle of their rescue” in “restoring him to leadership and ownership.” How we do that is the aim of “Keeping the Vow.”
Still, I would be remiss if I did not also offer for consideration that while men and women were made very differently, we were created the same—in the image of God. In fact, Paul writes that in Christ there is no male or female. This means our original heart personality is that of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These attributes override gender. From a Christian perspective, shouldn’t these attributes be the shared pursuit of men and women and the responsibility of each? I venture to say that if men and woman had more of these qualities, embracing our differences would be natural and not so forced.
Great piece. Not too happy with the title, but great article.
In fact, its one of the best pieces Ive read on this site. Why? Its honest, courageous, and comprehesive of mind body and soul. It gently exposes men in our most vulnerable tense, and speaks the often unspeakable language men dare whisper in their sighs. Mr. Scott, Write More! Write Often!
If I could stop crying, I could reply. Powerful just powerful. Thank you for enlightening us. Although I believe that I am the woman who desires to be all that you sited in your article, I do not claim to know how to do that. Thank you for helping me and many women know a little bit more the why concerning the men in our lives and those to come. Your advice will work with all of the brothers in our lives including our sons. We need more brothers like you to help us navigate the male heart and mind. We appreciate you. Thank you again and God bless you my brother in the ministry.
Great read Leroy! That my friend was powerful!
Very nice article, exactly what I wanted to find.
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