BMWK received this reader comment last week:
Marriage is tough! My husband wants an old fashioned wife that does everything and all he has to do work, keep up with ESPN and kiss the children good night. Let’s not forget that I work too, longer hours. My philosophy is that each parent needs to share responsibilities and at the end of the day we’ll appreciate each other.
This is a topic that we have discussed several times on the site and it is a common issue/theme in many households. Too often women are expected to be responsible for the majority of the domestic responsibilities, despite the fact that they have demanding jobs and careers just like their husbands. This can be the source of many arguments in relationships. The person that is doing most of the work often feels disrespected and unappreciated by their partner.
Over the last year, our readers have given some good advice on how to handle this situation. Most readers agreed that Communication is Key: Don’t forget to ask for what you want. If you need help, then ask for it. Another thing that you can do is to make a list of all household chores and divide them up. Write down everything from driving the kids to daycare, cooking dinner, bathing the kids, to cleaning the toilets. After a couple of weeks, you should re-visit your list and make adjustments as needed.
I’ve successfully applied those tips in my own marriage. When TheDad and I first got married, I had this same issue. I felt like I was doing way too much around the house and that he was not doing enough. It really bothered me for weeks,,,,even months. It got to the point that when I was doing my chores around the house, I was a little angry. I had let some resent build up. This situation was not totally TheDad’s fault. I could have done a better job of communicating with him….asking for help. Also when I did bring up the topic, it was usually out of anger. Once we finally sat down calmly and discussed splitting up the household chores, we were able to come up with a plan that we were both happy with. And yes, we have to re-visit our plan every so often….as sometimes one of us gets lazy 🙂 Actually, both of slack off from time to time…so it is important to re-group.
I personally think that men don’t think about or are not capable of processing all of what needs to be done around the house. Perhaps it’s a man thing…or maybe it is how they are brung up. For example, my husband’s idea of cleaning the house and my idea of cleaning are two different things. His idea of cleaning the family room would be pick up toys and vacuum. My idea would be: pick-up toys, vacuum, dust, Windex windows. This is why communication so important.
What if your husband does not agree to do any housework. Then perhaps he will agree to pay for a maid to come once or twice a month. Or if he does not agree to that, then maybe you have to do what you can do and let the rest go.
It is important to find balance for the roles and responsibilities that will work for both partners. Marriage is a partnership and both partners should be responsible for the household chores.
BMWK family – How do you or would you deal with a partner that refuses to share in the household responsibilities? Do you and your partner share the responsibilities? If yes, how did you come to an agreement on who does what?