BMWK received this reader comment last week:
Marriage is tough! My husband wants an old fashioned wife that does everything and all he has to do work, keep up with ESPN and kiss the children good night. Let’s not forget that I work too, longer hours. My philosophy is that each parent needs to share responsibilities and at the end of the day we’ll appreciate each other.
This is a topic that we have discussed several times on the site and it is a common issue/theme in many households. Too often women are expected to be responsible for the majority of the domestic responsibilities, despite the fact that they have demanding jobs and careers just like their husbands. This can be the source of many arguments in relationships. The person that is doing most of the work often feels disrespected and unappreciated by their partner.
Over the last year, our readers have given some good advice on how to handle this situation. Most readers agreed that Communication is Key: Don’t forget to ask for what you want. If you need help, then ask for it. Another thing that you can do is to make a list of all household chores and divide them up. Write down everything from driving the kids to daycare, cooking dinner, bathing the kids, to cleaning the toilets. After a couple of weeks, you should re-visit your list and make adjustments as needed.
I’ve successfully applied those tips in my own marriage. When TheDad and I first got married, I had this same issue. I felt like I was doing way too much around the house and that he was not doing enough. It really bothered me for weeks,,,,even months. It got to the point that when I was doing my chores around the house, I was a little angry. I had let some resent build up. This situation was not totally TheDad’s fault. I could have done a better job of communicating with him….asking for help. Also when I did bring up the topic, it was usually out of anger. Once we finally sat down calmly and discussed splitting up the household chores, we were able to come up with a plan that we were both happy with. And yes, we have to re-visit our plan every so often….as sometimes one of us gets lazy 🙂 Actually, both of slack off from time to time…so it is important to re-group.
I personally think that men don’t think about or are not capable of processing all of what needs to be done around the house. Perhaps it’s a man thing…or maybe it is how they are brung up. For example, my husband’s idea of cleaning the house and my idea of cleaning are two different things. His idea of cleaning the family room would be pick up toys and vacuum. My idea would be: pick-up toys, vacuum, dust, Windex windows. This is why communication so important.
What if your husband does not agree to do any housework. Then perhaps he will agree to pay for a maid to come once or twice a month. Or if he does not agree to that, then maybe you have to do what you can do and let the rest go.
It is important to find balance for the roles and responsibilities that will work for both partners. Marriage is a partnership and both partners should be responsible for the household chores.
BMWK family – How do you or would you deal with a partner that refuses to share in the household responsibilities? Do you and your partner share the responsibilities? If yes, how did you come to an agreement on who does what?
I have the same situation, since he works he will not do any housework. So I’ve decided to get a job and I will hire someone to come in and do the work. And that is the end of it for me.
One of the why married scares the heck out me – Netherthal Men!!!
the first inclination is to call men lazy Neanderthals. but i had to had several conversations with my fiance before i was able to REALLY listen and hear what he was saying about housework cooking. we had to have a few conversations about what we saw growing up, our ideas about gender roles, and our ideas about our relationship. once we were able to really define our motivations and articulate those deeply held beliefs, we were able to make a plan that works for us.
our arguments about this issue were intense and nearly tore us apart. neither one of us was going to change the other ones mind and we just wanted the arguments to stop! we realized that while we both had strong ideas about housework and cooking, the end goal was the same – to get the task done. so now if my fiance wants fried chicken, i don’t have to be the one to cook it, i just have to get it somehow. when i mentioned my car wasn’t running well, i didn’t expect him to fix it. it was enough that he got up early on a saturday and took it to the shop.
he was able to let go the idea of a traditional wife, i was able to let go of the traditional husband. and now we are both so much happier. in fact, i may make some fried chicken this weekend! 🙂
Definately one of the reasons I am scared to get married myself. My bf of several years has that old fashioned idea of the household, while I dont’t. I grew up in a household where my parents shared responsibility equally, while he was raised in a single parent household, where his mother did everything. Whenever I get frustrated about him not carrying his weight around he will always want to compare me to his aunts or grandmas that did EVERYTHING back in the day and he makes me feel lazy and sometimes less of a woman when I do ask for help.
@E.R – If you are working and contributing to the household finances..does that mean that he is less of a man? No.. so I would not feel like less of a woman because I am not doing everything around the house. If this is the man that you plan to marry, then you really need to come to an agreement on this matter…..and once you add kids to the mix….the responsibilities are only going to increase. You are in the perfect position to address this issue BEFORE you get married.
TheMoms last blog post..Do You Have A Work Spouse?
when i was married, it was the reverse situation. as the dad, i felt like i did more than my share of the housekeeping & domestic duties. so much so, that i resented not being able to kick back and watch the game without feeling guilty. my ex-wife would clean, but not as thoroughly as i’d prefer. but then again, she had her hands full with our 3 young children. she worked outside the home only part-time while i worked full time. but when she would go to work, it was on the weekends, from the early afternoon until late at night. i would be responsible for the children and cleaning up the house, so that when she came home from work at 1130pm, everything was done and the children were asleep so she’d still have her me time. but when i got home from work at 6 or so, she’d be ready for me to take over the attention of the children while she prepared dinner. but all i wanted to do was recover from a long day at work with a drink and the remote control.
i’m rambling here…i’m no longer married nor partnered and have my daughters during the week. it’s difficult managing the household by myself but at least i don’t have to worry about the miscommunication transforming into a full-blown argument anymore. i prefer it this way now…forever.
E.R.
please don’t feel as if you are less than a woman if you ask for help. when my fiance started bringing up what his mother and grandmother had done in the past, the first thing i did was separate the two issues. nothing will make a man more upset than going against his mama!
i redirected the conversation back to our situation and pointed out that gender roles have changed, after all as a woman in 2008 i’m expected to have a full time job and not just a part time job to help out. houses are bigger and we have more things to take care of. i pointed out that he also expects me to also have the time to spend with him. we like to go the gym and other leisure activities, whereas generations previously didn’t have that expectation.
talk with your man and listen. really try to figure out where he’s coming from and if you’re in love assume that his heart is in the right place. if he has traditional gender ideas – can you accept that? would you be willing to step back at your job in order to focus more on traditional home making? Is he willing to do all the man-stuff like be the breadwinner, fix cars, and do yard work?
This is a very serious issue in relationships. I lived with my now fiance for almost a year and our biggest argument was my lack of participation when it came to cleaning and cooking. I can admit those aren’t my favorite activities but it took me a long to appreciate that I had a man that only wanted me to share in the responsibility…not do everything myself and I took that for granted…darn near ruined the relationship.
@ E.R. NEVER let anyone make you feel less than the wonderful woman you are. There is no room for comparision because all people and every relationship is different. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t value who you are, the way you are. But I will say relationships are about giving. Giving more of yourself, effort, time and love. If both people focus on giving, then both end up satisfied. Just have a heart to heart….as many as you need…what’s meant to be will. Prayer and honest communication ALWAYS has a way of helping couples get through the rough patches.
Most recently he has been making an effort to cook more, and he actually seems to enjoy it. Funny thing though, I would be open to the traditional home making, but he’s horrible at fixing cars and all of that “handy man” house things. I’m much better at doing handy things around the house, becuase my dad once owned a hardware store and taught me how to do all of those things. Another thing, I’ve put a lot more money and time into gaining my position. I have 2 degrees, while he has one, which is fine, but to a point, all the money I’ve put into my education would be a waste if I did step back. It is definately something we need to discuss in more depth.
ER
the one last thing i wold suggest is to not talk about how you grew up. because if you’ve got the right to say “my parents split it equally”, then he’s got the SAME right to say “my mom did it all”.
Lots of hits and comments on this post. When I only worked 20 hrs. a week I did my hubbys laundry and had a meal waiting (daily) and packed his lunch. Now I work 40+ hrs per week and he does his own laundry and helps with the dishes and cooking. I do his laundry when I feel like it but he does not sweat it one way or the ohter. Our coffee maker is on a timer so before I go to bed I fill it and set it for 4am. Being I have 3 kids that are no longer in the home, we still cook like they are here so hubby can get out the tubberware and have a hot meal for lunch vs a cold sandwich. My mother-in-law was a stay at home mom. My father-in-law wanted his wife home to take care of the home and he did not want anyone else raising his kids besides the grandmothers. My father-in-law retired early from a good job. When a new car is purchased it is for my mother-in-law. My husband has never said “my mother did it this way”. He realized that when I worked less hours I did not ask him to help. Because I am helping more with the household bills he is more than willing to pitch in with the chores. I don’t know who would want any kind of intimatecy if you are too tired or resentful because your spouse is not doing his share. I would not enjoy being a stay at home wife or mother. That is just me. I have to have contact with the outside world and yelling back at the tv when Oprah or Maury is on in between doing laundry and writing out checks for a bill with your kid on your lap is not my cup of tea. I write my checks out at work. LOL. Times have changed and two incomes are needed. My brother’s wife was in nursing school durning the week. Even when she was only working on the weekends he said that he did appreciate the extra pay check(she made more on her weekend job than I did working my 9-5). He was always the one to cook and clean, do the laundry and wash and gas up the cars. Not because she couldn’t but because my brother just likes to treat his wife like a “Queen”. I may not be like my mother-in-law but to be fair my hubby is not like my brother. I guess with some relationships you do know what not to bring up in a conversation. My hubby is a good man, don’t get me wrong. I work because I like my own money and don’t think that it would be fair to put my hubby in an early grave to slave all day for us. My brother is lucky. His wife can go to another state or city with her friends on a shopping spree and come back with a bag of Doritos. It does pay off. They have a beautiful home, lots of toys and a Phat retirement fund. I know my brother will be like my father-in-law and retire early. His wife on the other hand is a workalcholic. She does not know how to stay at home and relax her feet. My comments are always long. I guess no need for me to say “sorry”. I did enjoy all the comments though.
@Anna….don’t feel bad, I always like to read what you have to say 🙂
Jonesi said:
@Anna….dont feel bad, I always like to read what you have to say.
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Thank you for that. I as most of us still want to follow your journey into the steps of being a Mrs. and not a Ms. or Miss. please keep us undated. Marriage is what you mnake it.
Very interesting post and great comments! This was definately an area of contention in my marriage. Neither my husband nor I like to clean but I do like a clean house while my hubbie couldn’t care one way or the other. I will try the advice of making a list and dividing the chores. It gets old asking for help everytime its time to clean. His suggestion was a maid. I would love to have a maid come in and clean my house! But that is out of the question for us until we have bought a house, paid off our cars, and any other outstanding credit. My hubbie understands how seriously I take our finances so we will wait until we can actually afford a maid before we pay for their services. Until then, it’s good old-fashioned elbow grease! both mine AND his, equally! we both have great jobs with similar salaries. this is indeed a marriage based on equality and so far it’s been working for us! Good luck to all!
@ Kyrston, I say if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. If he is willing to help that is great. Foreplay starts in other rooms being cleaned together as a married couple, a maid would just get in the way. LOL.
In fairness a maid is not that expensive. We had a post(or we commenters made it into) about the cost of day car vs a nanny and the nanny was cheaper. The similar things between a maid or a nanny is “trust” You have to trust someone to take care of your child, just as you have to trust someone to enter your home with a key you provide to clean your house. I am not sure if you have “Molly Maids” in your area but they have been around for over 25 yrs. depending on what specifically you want cleaned and the size of the home of course will effect the cost. My sis many years ago use to clean other ppls houses’s. She had this gay couple that lived in a mini mansion who tipped her more than the hourly two hour fee it took her to clean their home. The last office I managed I would make my boss hire her each year for a “Spring Cleaning” The new office I am in with the new boss that goes with it, my college daughter gets paid to help us out. I guess it’s “a being a Leo thing”. Some ppl really do love to clean. I love the smell of fresh laundry. As far as dirty dishes. “first see, first wash. We either wash them together or do them before the other person comes home or wants to cook.
We have the same issue in our marriage. We communicate and my husband had not altered his behavior any. I don’t think you need a list but I think each partner needs to carry their weight in the marriage inside and outside of the home. I think appreciation and affirmation could be the key. Everyone wants to be praised verbally that is we grow. It doesn’t matter which spouse feels overwhelmed and under apprepricated take a two to three things off their plate and it will decrease the amount of resentment one would feel. Now if I could my husband to buy in that would be another blog.
I love a clean house, but I absolutely ABHOR cleaning! I like to clean in one fowl swoop, and then maintain that cleanliness for at least a month. The problem is, my husband and son seem to come behind me and mess up all the cleaning I’ve done to the point where I don’t even want to bother anymore. I just can’t function around a whole lot of mess, so I get most of my work done (writing, devotional time) either in my closet or at work (full time).
I have discussed with my husband my need for some help around the house, but he still walks out of his clothes and leaves them there until he feels like wearing them again (I don’t pick up after him anymore). I’m teaching my son to be clean and orderly, and he seems to be catching on to it relatively well, so I’m sure in the next couple of years I’ll have a good helper around the house.
The bottom line for me: once I can afford it, I’m going to have someone come in the house at least 3 times weekly to help me out.