“Just because you grew up that way, doesn’t mean it’s right!”
Has anyone ever heard this before from your mate? If so, let’s have a very candid discussion. The more I speak to clients and the more I get feedback from my NEW BOOK , I realize that many of us are struggling in our current relationships. And we will struggle in future relationships if we continue to be prisoners of our past.
Sometimes there are misguided thoughts, mindsets, ideas and perspectives about relationships, which we carry into our relationships and marriages. If they were unhealthy then, they are still unhealthy now. And truth be told, many of those ideas about marriage stem from our earliest accounts on love and relationships, which from many of us, derived from our parents. Here are a few of those yesteryear experiences that might be hurting your relationship today!
1) Your Mom was anti-man!
Maybe your mom was a reluctant single mother. Maybe she was always mad or angry at your dad for something, and over the course of your childhood, she may have given you the anti-man gene. She told you men were no good and couldn’t be trusted. She warned that if you did, they would only hurt you.
When you grow up with that narrative and rhetoric, then even in your adulthood, you may find yourself in a power struggle with your man because you have these biases in your head. Either way, you may need to get around some new women who actually have a PRO-man attitude. Otherwise, your relationships will suffer! Momma may know best…but maybe not about everything.
2) Your dad was home but not present
Fellas, maybe your dad was in the home, but he was never really present. Maybe he was raised, believing that as long as the bills were paid then all is good in the world. Because of that, maybe you think you don’t have to be as engaged in the household dealings or with the kids. However, I’m willing to bet your wife is craving that next level engagement from you. Just because your dad got by being disengaged, it doesn’t mean you should follow his lead.
3) Your mom was controlling and manipulative
Maybe your mom was the Alpha in the house. She controlled your father because he was meek and soft spoken (or it was just easier and more peaceful to allow her free rein). Maybe she always dominated the conversations, always barked out orders and treated your dad like one of the kids instead of a husband.
Or perhaps she was manipulative and withheld affection from your dad to get what she wanted. Or maybe she played you and your siblings against your dad, so she could seem like the better parent. Any way it goes, ladies, I bet…no, I GUARANTEE your husband doesn’t appreciate you following suit, so it may be time to self-reflect and make a change.
4) Your parents thought communication was confrontation
Maybe both of your parents weren’t taught how to truly communicate, so, to them, confrontation was the way they communicated. Growing up, arguing, fussing and fighting were a very unpleasant norm; and that often occurred in any disagreement.
Your parents bickered and battled about everything, and now you find yourself picking fights just to get a rise out of your mate. You raise your voice to get your point across, get defensive when it’s not called for and you focus on winning more than resolving the issue. If this sounds like you, then it’s time to put the brakes on. It’s also time to stop and invest in learning how to truly communicate so that you can take those boxing gloves off and learn how to communicate effectively without creating a fight.
5) Your mom was always in competition with you!
Unfortunately, this happens too often with women. Maybe you and your dad had a great relationship, and he tended to pay more attention to you as his daughter than your mom as his wife. Maybe mom was a little envious, and you felt like she was always competing with you. Y’all never got along, and till this day, she still throws shade.
Now you have a daughter, and maybe your husband pays her a lot of attention, and she can do no wrong in his eyes. Maybe you’re starting to fall down the path your mother did, and subconsciously you’re a little envious. Catch yourself now before you end up pushing your daughter away because you made her a competitor as well.
None of us got to choose how we grew up or the people who shaped our childhoods, but what’s great is that now as an adult, you do get a say so in what kind of mate (and parent) you will be. If you are a prisoner of your past, then it’s time to break out and start investing in new information to make your relationship as healthy as possible!
BMWK Fam, what are some other childhood experiences that can impact us negatively in our adult relationships?