Dear Dr.Buckingham, I have been married for 12 years with 3 children, though I already had a child before I got married making 4 children. My problem is that I don’t have access to my husband’s phone. My phone is always open for him so that he can have access to it. I am getting pissed and irritated now because he will wake me up in the middle of the night questioning me about conversations on social media and my phone calls. He even quotes my responses. I believe that marriage should be about trust. Should I Password Protect My Phone or Leave My Marriage?
Thank you,
Fed-up wife
Dear Fed-up wife,
I agree that marriage should be about trust. However, it is difficult to develop trust where insecurity is present. Your husband’s insecurity has to be addressed first and foremost. Password protecting your phone will probably intensify his insecurities and cause him to become more paranoid. While it is uncomfortable to have him go through your phone, it is better for now. Most people would not agree so let me explain.
Jealousy is best defined as mental uneasiness from fear of unfaithfulness. Jealousy is an emotion that can lead to unwarranted or unmanageable rage. If you have nothing to hide, do not give him a reason to think that you are hiding something. Yes, you deserve privacy and the same respect and trust that you give him. However, that is not happening now.
The last thing you want to do is make a bad situation worse. Therefore, I do not recommend that you password protect your phone at this time. However, I do recommend that you seek professional counseling. If he refuses to participate in therapy, then I recommend that you do what is best for you. I do not know enough about your marriage to make a comment about whether or not you should leave. I know that it is not easy to deal with insecurity or lack of trust in a marriage, but leaving may not be the best answer initially.
Instead of getting angry, irritated, or leaving him, try to talk with him about his concerns. If he does not know the people that you are communicating with on social media, take a few minutes and explain who some of them are. This does not cost you a lot to do but could prevent a few headaches. Your primary goal should be to maintain your sanity and effectively manage his emotional instability.
If you feel that your husband’s insecurity can or will lead to emotional or physical abuse, please seek professional help for yourself. I mention this because you inquired about leaving. Typically, people do not think about leaving their marriage over trust issues alone. Usually, the lack of trust highlights other issues of concern such as aggression or emotional abuse. Your safety and emotional well-being should be more important than stroking his ego. Get help if warranted.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions, and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.