by Aja Dorsey Jackson
For the last week I’ve been sitting here staring at my keyboard struggling with what my next post for this website would be. I’ve started about ten different posts on various topics that I’ve had to scrap after the first few sentences. The problem is that I just don’t have anything to say.
Recently our marriage has just been extremely every-day. If it is possible to be beyond ordinary that’s what life has been. There haven’t been any arguments that would lead me to some epiphany or any emotional highs that made me feel like marriage is the best place on earth. We’ve just been making dinner and eating it, taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, grocery shopping and falling asleep on the couch watching movies. Not exciting, not bad, just regular.
So regular in fact that it sent me into a state of panic. Is this when it happens? Is this when marriage starts to become boring therefore setting us up to take one another for granted leaving us at risk for potential infidelity, separation or divorce?
I started searching for clues that maybe my husband was starting to lose his attraction to me. I questioned him incessantly about whether the headscarf I wear to bed at night is a turnoff. In the fear that our everydayness would start to translate into boredom in the bedroom, I scoured the internet for tips on how to spice up our sex life. I communicated my fears to my husband who said:
“Why does it always have to be something extra? Why is it that you can’t appreciate the time we spend together every day?”
And then it hit me. I can sometimes be so focused on my marriage; analyzing it, fixing it, spicing it up, working on the problems that we don’t have so that we don’t end up having them, that sometimes I don’t spend enough time just living in it. I am so focused on the ups and downs; trying to get to the highs and making it through the lows, that it’s hard to operate when we aren’t living at one of these extremes. The reality is that most of the time we really just live somewhere in the middle, and while I love being married, some of it just isn’t that exciting, one way or another.
The truth is that we spend a lot more time in Walmart than we do going out on the town. We spend more time changing diapers than we do staring lovingly into one another’s eyes. Sometimes we just sit around and watch movies and say nothing. The truth is that I have no problem with this until I start to analyze it and convince myself that somehow sparks should be flying all of the time.
I’m slowly realizing that marriage doesn’t have to feel like a romantic adventure every day. Sometimes life is just life and that while it’s fun to have someone to take me out on a hot date, it’s just as important to have someone who is always there to help me empty out the vacuum cleaner. Every moment can’t be exciting or sexy, but in all of those moments I have someone there, and that’s something I’m learning not to take for granted.
Does marriage sometimes feel “everyday”? Is it okay to accept this or do you think living with the “boring” parts can become a problem?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.