by Aja Dorsey Jackson
For the last week I’ve been sitting here staring at my keyboard struggling with what my next post for this website would be. I’ve started about ten different posts on various topics that I’ve had to scrap after the first few sentences. The problem is that I just don’t have anything to say.
Recently our marriage has just been extremely every-day. If it is possible to be beyond ordinary that’s what life has been. There haven’t been any arguments that would lead me to some epiphany or any emotional highs that made me feel like marriage is the best place on earth. We’ve just been making dinner and eating it, taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, grocery shopping and falling asleep on the couch watching movies. Not exciting, not bad, just regular.
So regular in fact that it sent me into a state of panic. Is this when it happens? Is this when marriage starts to become boring therefore setting us up to take one another for granted leaving us at risk for potential infidelity, separation or divorce?
I started searching for clues that maybe my husband was starting to lose his attraction to me. I questioned him incessantly about whether the headscarf I wear to bed at night is a turnoff. In the fear that our everydayness would start to translate into boredom in the bedroom, I scoured the internet for tips on how to spice up our sex life. I communicated my fears to my husband who said:
“Why does it always have to be something extra? Why is it that you can’t appreciate the time we spend together every day?”
And then it hit me. I can sometimes be so focused on my marriage; analyzing it, fixing it, spicing it up, working on the problems that we don’t have so that we don’t end up having them, that sometimes I don’t spend enough time just living in it. I am so focused on the ups and downs; trying to get to the highs and making it through the lows, that it’s hard to operate when we aren’t living at one of these extremes. The reality is that most of the time we really just live somewhere in the middle, and while I love being married, some of it just isn’t that exciting, one way or another.
The truth is that we spend a lot more time in Walmart than we do going out on the town. We spend more time changing diapers than we do staring lovingly into one another’s eyes. Sometimes we just sit around and watch movies and say nothing. The truth is that I have no problem with this until I start to analyze it and convince myself that somehow sparks should be flying all of the time.
I’m slowly realizing that marriage doesn’t have to feel like a romantic adventure every day. Sometimes life is just life and that while it’s fun to have someone to take me out on a hot date, it’s just as important to have someone who is always there to help me empty out the vacuum cleaner. Every moment can’t be exciting or sexy, but in all of those moments I have someone there, and that’s something I’m learning not to take for granted.
Does marriage sometimes feel “everyday”? Is it okay to accept this or do you think living with the “boring” parts can become a problem?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.
Cheryl says
I think that we have been confused by the media – movies, soap operas, etc – that our relationships should have lots of highs and lows. I cherish the mundane times of our lives together – the fact that we are all healthy, no extra job or outside family stresses. For us, those times have been too few and far between.
Yana says
Marriage is far from exciting everyday, as a matter of fact I will venture to say that most days are rather mundane and routine.
Anonymous says
i would agree with Cheryl that we have been made to believe that life is either high or low. But sometimes the mundane middle is cool too. When I meet a couple that is always up, then I feel like it is a front. Those tend to be the couples that are always smiling until one of them files for divorce.
N. Smith says
yep, like Patty and Gavin on “Why Did I Get Married, Too?” LOL
LaTasha C. says
It depends on how you define excitement…when you are on one accord, yes it should be exciting in SOME way everyday…going out of your way unselfishly can make it that way…I have been with my husband for over 4 yrs & I have been excited everyday in someway…today so far it was the text he sent that told me how beautiful I was and how I am the energy behind all he does…and he is still at work, so after that I am definitely going to go out of my way to excite him tonight 😉
Deebs says
Great article. This is my problem with movies, books (& Michael Baisden). They have people thinking “everydayness” isn’t normal. There is comfort in routine. Single life isn’t sexy & exciting everyday. Work isn’t sexy & exciting everyday. Parenthood isn’tsexy & exciting everyday. Why should marriage have to be sexy & exciting everyday? You just have to be grown up enough to realize this before you do something wrong to ‘spice up’ the everydayness.
Aja Dorsey Jackson says
@Deebs I agree. When I look back at being single, I definitely was not having a blast every day. I think that there is this expectation sometimes that once we get married if its not sexy and exciting every day something has gone wrong. When I hear people talk about being “bored” in their marriages, a lot of times I think its because of this faulty expectation.
Shawn Richards says
I’m single, but I totally get where you are coming from (author). Much like a serious committed relationship, you aren’t always going to be swinging from the chandeliers. It’s not about hot sweaty, freaky, BUCKET NAKED sex all the time. I’m fresh out of an almost year long ‘relationship’ and you know what I miss the most already…??? Early mornings, watching my woman get up to apply her makeup in bathroom. I miss having a soft, warm body to snuggle with at night and play footsie with. I miss taking out the trash and putting the dishes in the washer because she REFUSES to do either. And I miss having someone to think nasty, naughty and romantic thoughts about. I miss our dynamic, and all the little things. What you and your hubby seem to have been taking for granted, that’s what people like myself cherish MOST!
Stacysylvester says
I totally agree
Tchertut says
You’re so right.
Chrissy0131 says
I actually sometimes like the “boring” moments, it reminds me that I am settled into a comfortable life with someone I love very much and that we don’t have to be doing something every moment to feel secure about our relationship. Just because we are married doesn’t mean that the everyday occurrences like sitting around and watching tv stops, I am just grateful that I am not doing it alone.
CoaCoaKure says
@Aja…be thankful for the mundane! Just think of the alternative…DRAMA…you don’t want that! Count your blessings because it could be so much worse. @LaTosha C…I totally agree! It’s those little text messages, those sly little looks he/she gives you, its the pat on the behind from your man that give you those warm fuzzy feelings, it’s the little things that keep it exciting! Its not always some big production…the little things matter so much. @Shawn Richards I love your response…it takes a real man to admit those things. Bottomline…the middle is real…the highs and lows are the extreme and it’s not reality to live in the extreme. We may visit the “extreme” but we can’t live there.
Anonymous says
That’s sweet. sorry for your breakup but there will be another “she” to do all those things with and for and more. And hopefully soon you will be BMWK 😉
Anonymous says
I was watching the movie Sex and the City 2 and that is one of the major issues in the Big & Carrie dynamic. She hates that they have settled into this routine of watching tv in bed and take out food. She misses the “sparkle” in their relationship.
She has a grass looks greener on the other side moment with an ex of hers and by the end of the movie she is longing for those mundane moments. We as imperfect humans are so used to drama even in the smallest form that when we dont have it we yearn for it, sometimes creating it ourselves (even subconsciously) and messing up the calm and peace of our lives.
Lesson: embrace the calm and peace and rename it from mundane to contentment.
GeeGee4 says
Being an adventurous person and my spouse isn’t has caused some issue in this area. I don’t mind being settled in a routine and being content. I just don’t want to stay there all the time…. I think it is important to do those little things sometimes and maybe a big thing every now and then, because lets face it some people dont like routine ALL the time…LOL You do want a sweet text sometimes, you do want to do different positions in the bedroom or have a romantic dinner and dancing every blue moon…Right? Help me out ….LOL
Chris G says
We’re about to celebrate 30 years of marriage in a few weeks. I look back and I see the seasons of marriage which are like the four seasons of the year. The fall and winter seasons made us appreciate the springs and summers. We learned to weather the storms and droughts and most of all, we learned to appreciate the routine and mundane because it simply meant, there was someone there to share it with. The excitement was in the constant discovery of who my wife is and what she becomes and evolves into, with every change in life. Life is so short and the last thing you want to do is waste it by trying to fix things that aint broken. You are so right on target with this article.
FirstladyShonda says
I believe it can be. It is according to what you put in it!!
Dona says
At times marriage does have that ‘everyday’ feel. It is not necessarily wrong, but can become a bit humdrum. I have been consumed with the I’m bored feeling, but that’s when I have come up with different ideas to break the everyday routine of things. I agree marriage does not have to be romantic all the time, but it is the little things that can be done to make your spouse feel excited and vice- versa.
FirstladyShonda says
You should write novels. lol You got me all worked up, waiting for hubby to get from the store. lol =-)
Perfectpitchstudio1 says
I thank God for this website. I have been married for 2 years to a wonderful man. However, I am a product of a dysfunctional home. I find myself trying not to repeat the patterns of my parents so much, I become overbearing to my husband. Im always analyzing our marriage and asking if he is still attracted to me or if he is indeed happy. This article and several others really help me to focus my attention on the right thing. Thanks for not being selfish and sharing your thoughts.
Doesitmatternope says
awwww wish my hubby cooked n cleaned i do it all and haven’t been to a restaurant in 16 months………..as in married 16 months ago been in a relationship 4 yrs prior n got pregnant in my honeymoon………………..so now with a 6 month old /more chores than my hubby and our 10yrold care to help with unless nagged/school and a shitty job/ id kill for a lil footsie and a day without chores……..with a day of pampering thrown in but alas snot to be so i just deal but damn i miss the courtship days when i wasn’t taken for granted n he always had a shave, n nice smells…….hell i have only had flowers twice in 3yrs and don’t have time to look cute unless u think spit up is mary kay-ish lol and sex is always interupted by the 10yr old or the baby so i went from gettin it 4x’s a wk to lucky if i get it once every 2 wks……but jey at least i got someone to love right
Shawn Richards says
Really…? U think I should write novels…??? Well it just so happens THAT I DO…! lol
But what I said I meant from the HEART. It’s the little things that I miss THE MOST! Thanks to everyone who commented on what I said, and when time allows, if you are on facebook DO check me out….
https://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/profile.php?id=1482068901
Shawn Richards says
I’m sorry but what does ‘BMWK, mean???
Shawn Richards says
@ “but jey at least i got someone to love right”
Uh, well… honestly, sounds a little less than the ‘middle’ that everyone is so convinced is the norm. Well, OK, the ‘middle’ IS the norm. What I’m saying is that what you just described is less than the norm, which means that it’s mediocre and that’s not good. To be totally honest, YOU aren’t even happy about it. That’s why you were asking a question which you ALREADY knew the answer to.
Shawn Richards says
@ “embrace the calm and peace and rename it from mundane to contentment.”
BAM…!!! Co-sign this…
LA says
My husband and I have been together for 5 yrs and married for almost 2…we moved in together while we were engaged so that “everydayness” set in pretty early after the wedding/honeymoon high wore off.
I file this topic under, “things no one tells you about marriage.” As previous commenters have said, the media has convinced us that marriage is supposed to be hot and steamy 24/7 meanwhile the reality is that there’s nothing at all sexy about paying bills, raising kids, cleaning the house, etc on a daily basis.
The first year of our marriage I was reading every book or blog and talking to friends and family about how to keep that excitement, how to spice up every facet of our marriage. What I learned is exactly what this post is saying…this “everydayness” is normal. It’s actually healthy! My husband is so secure that everything is good with our marriage that it scared me at first–so sure that I took it as him being complacent which is not the case at all. As we approach our second anniversary, I’ve grown to enjoy the everydayness. The times when my husband knows that I had a bad day without me saying anything in particular, so he cooks dinner and cleans up the kitchen afterward without me asking. Or how he gives me a hug or calls me during the day just when I needed it. I love just being quiet and still with each other and knowing that everything is OK and when it’s not we’ll figure it out together.
AplMacLD says
lol, take a look at the site your on and that’s what BMWK means.