Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I had an affair with a close friend a couple of years back, but told my boyfriend that we were just friends with no strings attached. After he continued to question me about my relationship with my friend, I opened up and told him about the affair with my friend. I did not go into detail. He was angry, but kept his cool. Two weeks ago, my boyfriend ran into a guy who saw me hanging out with my friend and told him some untrue things about me.
My boyfriend called me over to his place and told me what the guy said. I was shocked and could not believe what was said. I tried to tell my boyfriend that the stories were not true, but he would not listen. He told me that he could not believe me because I lied about my relationship with my friend. He has always encouraged good communication between us, but I am not good at talking with him. I prefer to keep things to myself. He acted cool about the whole thing and said it did not change anything between us. However, I can read that he is unhappy with me. My relationship is falling apart. What Can I Do To Save My Relationship?
In Need of Help
Dear In Need of Help,
Relationships flourish when each individual govern him or herself in accordance with The Three Relationship Commandments. Unfortunately, your relationship is in trouble because you violated the relationship commandments.
Here are the three relationship commandments:
- Thou Shall Not Break My Trust. Trust is an essential part of having a healthy relationship because it sets the stage for love to prosper. Believing in and honoring your partner is the greatest gift that you can give in a relationship. Trust allows love to flourish in a relationship because it gives us a feeling of security and confidence. In all my years of doing therapy, I have never seen a healthy relationship work or last without trust.If you have a problem with trusting yourself and/or your significant other, please meditate on the following scriptures: Proverbs 3:5 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding; Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope; and Psalm 56:3-4 – When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?
Understand that trust must be present and mutually expressed in order to have a healthy relationship. Without trust, respect is impossible.
- Thou Shall Not Disrespect Me. Respect is best defined as a feeling of deep admiration for someone. Feeling adored and respected are powerful emotions because they let us know that we are cherished. You must respect your partner at all times. Your admiration for your partner should be the driving factor that influences your behavior, not external factors. Learn to put your partner first and do not waver in the respect zone.
I have learned that people will attack when they are wronged, people will shut down when they are betrayed, but people will also love intensively when they are respected and adored. Respect is a vital relationship principle that must be present. My favorite personal quote: Respect me or leave me, because disrespect is not an option. Without respect, effective communication is impossible.
- Thou Shall Not Engage in Ineffective Communication. Ineffective communication refers to poor communication that often leads to fighting, power struggles and unmanageable frustration. This kind of communication is counterproductive to relationships because messages sent are not understood or received. In order to have a thriving and healthy relationship, effective communication must be present.
Effective communication is a two-way information sharing process, which involves one person sending a message that is easily understood by the receiving person. I have learned that if you talk at people they will shut down, but if you talk with people they will open up.
Complying with this commandment is extremely important because effective communication can repair broken trust and disrespect, but the other two commandments cannot repair ineffective communication.
Given that you want to save your relationship, I believe that you should strive to develop healthier relationship skills. You destroyed the trust in your relationship by sleeping with a friend; disrespected your boyfriend by lying to him and intensified the issue by not communicating effectively. However, despite this unhealthy behavior I am confident that you can save your relationship by learning and complying with the three relationship commandments listed above. If you or your boyfriend would like to receive individual or relationship coaching to rebuild trust, restore respect and communicate effectively, I am available.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.