The year was 1992 in a small town called, Albany, Ga. It was then and there that I had my first record of experiencing what I concluded at the time was love. Sadly, she would move away, and I would never see her in daycare again. Yes, I said, “Daycare.” It was a real life example of the young and the playful.
From then I’ve always had a fascination with this thing called “love.” And my interest in love has piqued another fascination: how easy it is to allow things in our life to block us from finding love.
Many will argue that love is something you “fall into” hence the statement, “We fell in love.” But I’d like to challenge that statement by examining the word “fall”; anytime I’ve fallen into anything it was an accident that I don’t want to do again.
Love shouldn’t be something you fall into with your feelings but rather something you walk into with your heart, soul and mind all in agreement. So if you want to “fall” in love, sure, you can leave that up to chance. But if you want to find love, you’ll need to do so purposefully. And to help you do so, I want you to look at four things I believe could be mentally distracting you from finding love.
1. The search for the perfect person
Not only do I not believe there is only one person for you, I don’t believe there is a perfect person either. Dating can be very challenging simply because dates will often show off their best qualities and behaviors in order to impress the other person. This is why it is imperative to watch for the small actions, which may help determine or reveal the date’s true character. For example, one small thing you can do is see how the person treats the waiter or waitress at the restaurant. Though it’s good to be discerning while dating, you also have to give grace for flaws because guess what, you have flaws too.
2. The fear of getting hurt
Relationships are actually a risk. This is why it is crucial to set boundaries from the very beginning. No matter what your standards are in regards to what’s okay and what’s not okay, there should always be boundaries implemented in order to guard your heart. At the end of it all, being hurt is NO FUN. But you must not allow past hurt to distract you from being vulnerable in a new relationship. Once the time is right, allow that new person to look into who you really are.
3. The wait for it to “feel” like love
Your feelings do not know your future. My wife and I was watching the new episode of the Bachelorette the other night. I literally counted more than 25 occasions where she mentioned the word “feel” or “felt.” It was clear that she was waiting for the feeling to hit her with one of the many guys she will attempt to find love with.
I believe your feelings are the worse things to rely on when trying to assess a person for the potential of marriage. You can have feelings for anyone, but that doesn’t make that person marriage material. What should be the assessment is wisdom. Wisdom will help you to see the person for who they are. Don’t be distracted because you’re waiting for that special feeling, but rather allow wisdom to tell you if the person is good or not good for your future.
4. The thought it’ll never happen, so why try
Negative thinking usually leads to negative outcomes. If you’re not optimistic when meeting new people, you’ve already set those encounters up for failure. Pessimistic thought patterns will deter you from sparking those chance conversations with an introduction, such as “hello,” “nice to meet you” “how about this weather.”
Don’t leave love up to fate and thus a philosophy that believes, “no matter what I do, if its meant to be, then it will be.” Do you honestly believe that you can sit on your couch every day and fate will send your future spouse to your front door in a chariot to take you away to your fairy tale castle? You must try by getting out and meeting new people who will encourage you to stay optimistic because it can happen when you least expect it.
I pray these four mental road blocks will help bring clarity to your journey to finding a person that has the capacity to love you the way you deserve and you love them the same.
BMWK, are you waiting for fate for your moment to “fall” in love?