Dear Autumn,
So here we are again. It’s been several months and I must say I’ve enjoyed the break away from early sunsets, grey skies, and chilled windowsills. I can admit though that I’ve missed the lattes spiced with cinnamon, pumpkin and peppermint. I can swallow my pride and say that the changing of the leaves are romantically beautiful. I can say that I’ve missed the close comfort of multiple layers, leather jackets, and a sharp hat that fit my personal style. There’s someone else however that I haven’t been looking forward to seeing besides the first frost of late season. I’m not looking forward to running into Cold Lonely Nights (CLN).
I remember in high school when we used to crack jokes on CLN, saying it’s “cuffing season” and everyone’s thirsty to have a boo to be up under all of the sudden once the temperatures dropped. The summer is over and so are the opportunities to meet more people in more places. Man, it’s too cold to go out sometimes, and as I get older, it feels colder and colder, Autumn.
I had it all planned out until CLN came along. I was going to have a relaxing night at home every Friday, catch a movie, my favorite show, or listen to some good music with a warm meal or snack and be happy to have made it through the week. But on that first cool Friday last week, CLN hit me out of nowhere. It started off with a few friends from out of state posting their plans for the evening—celebrating yet another birthday—and updating their Facebook with up-to-the-minute details. After I returned to my home page after work was done, I saw an unexpected message that brought a drop within me so heavy I felt like falling to the floor.
“We’re Engaged!!!!!” shouted the status update of one of my exes. It was a nice ring and the couple looked so happy; I mean, how could I not be happy for them, right? I’m glad they found someone, I thought to myself, but CLN sent me an instant message at that moment saying: “Hey, when’s the last time you talked to so-and-so? It’s good they’re engaged now I GUESS, but it’s cool that they included you in their special moment.”
Autumn, that was not what I wanted to hear. I tried hard to fight the temptation to look on their profile page and view photos from the engagement and the months before (God, did I really say months?). With every click I went back and forth within my mind on how things were great and then how we broke up. I’m just glad we’re amicable and at least talk on the phone every now and then to catch up, but I wasn’t getting an engagement vibe five months ago…at least, that’s when I think we last talked.
After my lust for cyber stalking was gratified for the hour, I felt worse than someone with a hangover. My spirit was heavy and tired, my mouth drooped and sullen, and defeat was speaking sweet nothings in my ear. It was time to leave work. I put on my heavy jacket and hat and took the rest of my belongings with me. It was happy-hour for some, but not for me. I walked past couple after couple, hand in hand, arm and arm, exchanging glances and laughter with each other; feelings that I had not experienced in God knows when.
For some reason it felt like a sting within me to see this now than any other time this whole year. Autumn, there’s something about you that brings a certain magic in the air when it comes to love. “It’s too cold out to be alone,” whispers a voice. CLN, I can’t with you. While in my daze of lovers and lack of love of my own, I passed up the video store to pick up my movie for the night, the film for my inaugural Autumn Friday night hangout with myself. Autumn, I was cool with being single, til Cold Lonely Nights showed up…
I hope you’ve enjoyed that fictional account of some of the internal misery that some singles go through when it comes to being solo in the fall and winter seasons. I wanted to create a short story that was relatable and addressing the season of autumn which is right around the corner. I think singles like myself get tempted to entertain a cold lonely night because we’ve believed the lies it told us. Cold lonely nights (CLN) can have multiple characteristics behind it: loneliness, anxiety, depression, bitterness, boredom, laziness, fear, etc. It hosts all those spirits to flood your mind to get you to think about your current circumstance and lose a step in your steady walk in your single season with the Lord.
If we see cold lonely nights for what they really are, we can better prevent them and apprehend them. Here are a few tips to help you stay focused and happy this coming autumn season.
Fast from social media for the evening: It can be a blow to one’s esteem to go on social media and stay on there for a long time living vicariously through others. This person is going out, that person it doing something, but what are you doing? If you’re choosing to stay in, that’s great; now turn off your social media accounts and notifications. Try a social media fast and forgo spending your night viewing from the sidelines what other people are doing. Rest your mind and keep your focus off of the need to go out to feel wanted or for attention. Take this time off to rest and recharge yourself.
Get productive in your purpose: Listen, we are not going to go out every weekend—it’s a killjoy for our budget and personal goals. You may be sitting on your purpose but you choose to make busyness your date instead of your purpose. You can turn those cold lonely nights into evenings strategically mapping out your dreams. Invest in some books to help you either identify your purpose in God or help you make your business ideas into a business (like Lamar Tyler’s book) in line with your purpose. Either way, you can utilize this critical window of opportunity in your single season to develop the foundation for your future. You’ll be so focused on the productivity that you won’t have time to entertain cold lonely nights.
Go out and try something new: The new season calls for new and traditional activities that you can try. Call up some friends or invite a couple of coworkers to fellowship at a positive event. You can do painting classes, see a movie or play, go to festivals, etc. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you can’t treat yourself to a nice night out either. Take yourself out on a date and enjoy your evening and have fun. Cold lonely nights want you to believe that your life is less exciting and fulfilling because you don’t have someone, but it’s not true. Your life is as fulfilling as you are willing to be open to new things that will benefit you and your personal growth.
Get in contact with your support system: Sometimes we get hit bad with the symptoms of cold lonely nights to the point of tears, or worse—reaching out to that ex or random for attention and validation. Before you attempt to do any of that, get in contact with your support system. This could mean getting into prayer mode with just you and the Lord, or calling up/inviting over your close friends to help pray for/with you as you go through this battle.
Loneliness is a lie from the enemy. The Bible tells us throughout it that we are not alone, and thus don’t have to succumb to feeling lonely. Ask God to take the spirit of heaviness off of you and get the joy He has for you instead. The joy and peace of God is so great, it could very well warm you up. If you feel lonely, don’t be afraid to reach out to someone who can support you spiritually, but not physically in the inappropriate sense. Far too often, Cold Lonely Nights cause singles to enter bad relationships, situationships, or other destructive behaviors that can harm you in the long run more than help you for a small moment. Don’t settle for hooking up, you deserve more than that.
With all that being said, don’t let your story mirror that of the fictional letter to autumn this season. Make this time and season in your life count. Trust God to help you lay the foundation for your future in all areas and keep Him on speed dial when Cold Lonely Nights try to call you.
BMWK: What are some things that you like to do in the fall to cure a lonely night?