I’m not going to put this squarely on the shoulder of the men. But I see this error more in men than women. It’s that…people think that they need to have all their ducks in a row, like they need to be perfect, having accomplished all their goals on their own…before they are ready for to settle down and enter into a serious relationship
I’ve talked to several men in the last month and it seems to be their standard approach to why they’re not married. “I have to accumulate a certain kind of car, house, job, and financial statement before I’m ready and willing to get serious.”
Homie, by the time you do all that, chances are you’ll be in your mid 30’s with so much relationship baggage that your emotional liabilities will offset your material assets.
It’s a Myth
This is a myth. You don’t have to be 35-40 years old and have all your ducks in a row before you commit to a serious relationship or marriage. My wife and I just celebrated our 18th anniversary on October 10, 2015.
When we started out I was 27 (I’m not going to tell her age…I know better). We both had modest paying jobs to sustain us individually when we were single. But when we got married, combined, we amassed a lot of debt from school loans and the common fool-hearted decisions you make in your 20’s.
Related: Immediately improve your family’s finances with these 12 questions
It got so bad, my wife had to wait a week till pay-day to buy her ‘feminine products’ (don’t ask me how she worked that out for five days). But by working together, we paid off bills over 3-yrs, built up a savings, started a business, and accomplished other milestones together as a couple. And it was what we learned in those formative years that gave us the resolve to be making it 18 years later and still counting.
Our mentors, The Redmonds, who are older than me but younger than my wife, married right out of college. They had baby 1 of 5 before their first anniversary. They just celebrated 25 years…and neither is 50 years old yet!
She’s been a stay at home mother until recently. And he’s a bible college professor/assistant pastor. They’ve never had beaucoup bucks. But their relationship is so tight, a million dollars couldn’t pay for the love, character, and cohesiveness they’ve built together and instilled in their kids.
There’s great value in building a relationship from small beginnings and growing together.
Transactional Relationships
Your growth is in your struggle, not in the acquisition of assets and resources. But when one focuses primarily on their acquisition of assets and resources and how much the other person brings to the table, you create what I call a transactional relationship.
Instead of focusing on what each of you brings to the table, focus on figuring out how to build the table together as a couple…and loving each other during the process. In other words, focus on the interaction, not the transaction.
Focus on Interaction Instead of Transaction
- Are you respectful of his or her feelings and concerns?
- Are you sensitive to his or her limits of frustration and don’t antagonistically push their buttons?
- Are you understanding of his or her needs, especially the one’s you don’t like or agree with?
- Do you communicate with love and respect…and not as one issuing directives?
- Do you check your tone…or do you speak with no filters?
Related: 21 Conversation starters to help couples struggling to communicate
I’m not gonna lie, the resources you bring to a relationship determine what you can do as a couple. But the interaction within the relationship determines the quality in which you do it. It also determines whether y’all will stay together long enough to want to continue doing it.
It sucks to have the financial and physical wherewithal to do whatever your heart desires, but have no desire in your heart to do it with your mate because he or she is a(n)…(you fill in the blank).
Make a decision to work on your interaction with your mate.
Seek peace over position and power.
Seek understanding over being understood.
Seek compromise over competition.
Seek a soft answer that turns away wrath over of a harsh word that stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).
These nuanced interactions are what actually makes the difference in a happy relationship, not how much money, cars, real estate holdings, and career advancement you bring to the table.
BMWK – How can you better focus on your interaction rather than the transaction within our relationship?