There are big myths about women and men that can get in the way of a real connection.
For example, women tend to expect men to initiate a first phone call within 24 hours, and if they don’t, the sisters assume the men are just not interested.
Men, on the other hand, may wait a few days before calling because they don’t want to look like they’re a stalker or too thirsty for a woman’s attention.
These assumptions ruin relationships before they even get started!
Another myth is that women are automatically relationship-ready just because they desire marriage and commitment and that men who don’t want to settle down are emotionally unavailable.
But in my one-on-one work with women who continually fail at relationships, I’ve discovered there are three big signs that reveal if women are emotionally unavailable too!
You Are Picky
When you dismiss good men for silly reasons, you’re emotionally unavailable. Your heart isn’t open to love because you have rigid rules about what it should look like. When you’re picky, you tend to project your own fears about being unloveable onto another person by finding all the reasons why they aren’t perfect.
Let me list a few of the deal breakers some women have shared with me about why a man wasn’t a good match for them.
- He didn’t make me laugh on the first phone call
- His southern drawl makes him sound uneducated, and I’d be embarrassed if my friends and co-workers met him (even though he had a college degree)
- He wasn’t goofy enough for me
- He doesn’t wear the proper shoes
- He wanted to take me to get ice cream for a first date instead of taking me to dinner
- He had typos on his website
- He has a job but can’t pay for my vacation
- He’s 5’11” and will be my height if I wear heels
- He had children in a previous marriage. I’m too old to have kids so seeing him with them will make me resentful.
At the core of this search for a perfect man is a belief that the only way you can avoid getting hurt again is to meet someone who fulfills every item on your impossible to fill checklist.
Focusing on the kinds of flaws that prove whether or not a man will be a good partner for you makes you come across as picky instead of selective. Pickiness is an energy, and it speaks for you before you even say a word. The feedback men have shared with me when they describe a picky woman include “self-righteous,” “judgmental,” “a turn-off,” “difficult” and “too much drama.”
You Overvalue Your “Me Time”
Everyone needs to have his or her personal space, even when you’re in a relationship. But if you feel smothered, afraid or uncomfortable by emotional and physical closeness, you could be afraid of real intimacy.
You feel safer when you’re alone than when you’re apart, and begin to fear that if someone sees the real you, he won’t love you. “Me-time” becomes a way for you to shut down your heart. If you’re emotionally available, you wouldn’t want to spend more time away from your partner than you do together.
3. You’re Bored in Stable Relationships
You’re attracted to people who come on strong in the beginning of relationships, and you enjoy the feeling of intense chemistry.
Three to six months later, when the high of falling in love wears off, you spend a lot of your time and energy trying to regain the connection you once felt with your partner. This feels like passion to you, but in reality, you’re trapped in a dysfunctional way of relating to each other. On the other hand, when you meet someone who takes the relationship slow and steady, you feel bored and complain that there isn’t any “chemistry.”
Your pursuit of so-called passion could be a sign that you don’t know how to sustain a real relationship.
Closing your heart to love won’t keep you safe. In fact, falling in love requires that you open yourself up to feeling closeness, acceptance and partnership. But to do so, you also have to be emotionally brave and risk opening up yourself to hurt, rejection and loss. The key to mastering your fear of real love is to embrace the belief that no matter what happens, you will always be okay.
BMWK: How willing are you to face your fears and become open to love?