So Paula Patton is back on the dating scene after her divorce from Robin Thicke. She recently expressed on Essence Live that she has no idea what she’s doing when it comes to modern dating, especially the ways in which technology shapes the way singles connect and communicate. “I haven’t been doing too much of it, it’s kind of strange,” Patton admitted. “Listen…I met [Robin] when I was 15 years old, and I have no idea what I’m doing.”
Paula, you’re not the only one, girl! Swiping and texting has made it more challenging to really get to know someone. I get asked for advice almost daily by sisters who encounter dating problems that rise and fall around communication. On the one hand, texting is a quick and easy way to make initial contact. On the other hand, it’s hard to build a real relationship using emojis! Furthermore, it’s harder to gauge cues such has body language, voice inflection and facial expressions through a text message. Without these social signals, texting allows someone to more easily cross your boundaries. It’s risky to ask someone to get naked in person, but it seems a smartphone can make a man bold enough to ask a stranger for a nude pic (and no, he’s not talking about a photo of your naked feet!).
So how do you handle these frustrating and confusing situations when you’re trying to authentically get to know someone? The answer is simple: master dating communication and you’ll have the tools to handle any dating problem that comes up on your journey to meeting The One.
There are five keys to effective dating communication:
1) Don’t make assumptions
2) Wear your heart on your sleeve
3) Share your desires and needs directly
4) Communicate your boundaries clearly
5) A person’s response to your communication reveals his character
So let’s apply this to a real life dating example:
Let’s say you met a very handsome, educated, God-fearing man online. He makes you laugh and after a few online exchanges, asks for your number. He immediately sends you a text the next morning. You were skeptical about him at first until your first phone conversation. After talking for four hours, he says, “We should get together this weekend.” You’re excited about finally seeing him face to face. The next morning you text him details about a concert, featuring his favorite artist. (You know it’s his favorite because he talked about it during your four-hour conversation). 24 hours go by, and you can see that he read the text, but he didn’t respond. You send another, expressing that you hope he’s okay and that you’re looking forward to the weekend. Still nothing. You decide he’s just not serious, but you can’t help but feel rejected. Early on Saturday he texts you and says, “My check is short this week.” You don’t know if this means the date is off, so you just say nothing.
What should you do? Using effective communication, you can handle this situation in two steps.
1) You assumed you had concrete plans because he mentioned a meet and greet, but unless you have a date, time and place, all you have is a suggestion for a date! You also assumed that because he looked good on paper, he could be a potential partner. It’s possible you’re assuming he isn’t interested anymore, and this is causing you to feel rejected. If you stay in this emotional state, you could react in a way that makes things worse.
The reality is you don’t have enough details to make a decision. So instead of jumping to conclusions, you should communicate your feelings and needs.
2) Share your feelings and needs directly and pay attention to how he responds. With the least amount of drama possible, tell him how you feel and what you need. You may text him back and say, “I’m glad you’re okay. I was worried. In the future, I need a quick heads up if plans change. No big deal, I’m just not a spontaneous person. I’ll be home after 8, feel free to call.”
Keep your text short and sweet. Communicating your needs doesn’t work very well if you’re trying to use emojis and abbreviations.
After you shared what’s on your heart, you just need to sit back and pay attention to his response. If he disappears, he probably wasn’t ready to go the distance with you. Your feelings may be hurt now, but it’s best you discovered this in a three-minute conversation instead of three months of dating!
If he’s attentive to your needs and makes an effort to get to know you, you may have a keeper.
But what if he continues to text you when you’d rather get a phone call? What if he keeps canceling plans? What if he disappears for days on end and then returns like nothing happens?
You can’t make him do anything, but you can communicate your preferences and establish your boundaries. If you prefer phone calls, but you keep answering his texts, you’re teaching him that you’ll respond anyway. If you keep accepting last minute dates, you’re teaching him it’s okay to treat you like an afterthought. If you make yourself available whenever he calls, you’re telling him you’re okay with being one of the women in his heavy rotation.
It’s your responsibility to communicate what you need and your right to expect to be treated with respect and care. You may need to compromise to come to meet him halfway, but you should never give up your dignity to do so.
BMWK: How do you feel about texting while dating?