By Keisha Lynn
His son greeted me with the most welcoming hug, and his daughter turned, stared into my eyes at length, and said, “Hi, Mommy.” At the time I met them, I had been dating their dad for less than two months. I was surprised by her greeting and unsure of how to respond. So, I simply said, “Hi, sweetheart” as she sat on my lap and placed her tiny arms around my neck. This was my very first introduction to my boyfriend’s children over two years ago. I wondered for a long time why this little girl would use that word to greet me. Did she see or know something that everyone else was oblivious to? I decided not to overanalyze the situation, and just embraced the moment for what it was. But before I go any further, let me explain.
Have you ever loved someone when you knew that a part of their heart would always be connected to someone else? One of the most challenging yet rewarding things I have done in my adult life was dating a man who was grieving the loss of his wife who died of cancer five years ago.
Their marriage was a 15-year love affair that produced two of the most well-rounded and respectful children I’ve ever known. We officially met in 2013 at a venue where he was performing as a musician. I remember the fluttering of my heart and the sweat building in the palms of my hands. My anxiety was at full throttle. However, from the second he pulled me close and said hello, I can honestly say that I have loved him more intensely every day. Oh, did I mention that we live more than 900 air miles apart?
A long-distance relationship is a definite challenge but not impossible. I was never one to believe in the whole fairytale scenario of love at first sight. But, that particular experience completely renewed my faith in fairytales. That night, I walked away from our encounter, knowing I would love this man for a lifetime.
A lot of women date single dads with children. So, what makes this experience unique for me? Well, I found myself doing things I said I would never do. I said I would never date a man who had been married before. I said I would never date a man with children. Growing up in an old-school Christian family, situations like these were not readily accepted.
Well, fast-forward to 2016, and I find myself passionately in love with three of the most amazing individuals. Although I only have the title of “girlfriend,” I have chosen to love these children as if I birthed them myself, yet, at the same time, never taking away from the beautiful memory of who their mother was to them.
This two-year journey has had its personal challenges. Although I’ve been accepted by most, I’ve also dealt with comparisons with his wife because she and I have the same first name. I’ve had people remind me of how everyone adored her and how I have some big shoes to fill. Every year, there are celebrations of her memory. Whether her birthday, wedding anniversary, death anniversary or other significant dates, I’ve had to learn to not only embrace the celebrations but also find my place in each one. This has not been an easy task. In the beginning, I had many conversations with myself as to whether playing second fiddle was something I was emotionally equipped to handle. But, I’ve chosen to allow people’s opinions to remain theirs by realizing that their words have nothing to do with me and my love for this family.
These three have embraced me like no other, and for that reason, their opinions are the only ones that matter. Just as I have significance in their lives, they have also been part of my healing process. They have been the glue that has mended my broken heart after losing the most important man in my life, my father. And they have never made me feel anything other than loved and accepted.
So often, we hear stories about women being in love with a man who makes it obvious that he loves another woman. But what do you do when that other woman is physically gone yet present in every day and every situation?
The answer: you learn to understand the reasons behind the tears, respect the love of his past and embrace the love he freely gives you at that moment while also supporting him through his journey of mourning and healing. I understand that because of this past experience, he is the man he is to me.
I’ve heard women say that you never know unconditional love until you have a child of your own. But I dare say that you never know unconditional love until you can love and accept the process of a man healing from grief while, at the same time, fully nurturing and caring for another woman’s children as if they were your own. I see her every time I look into their big brown eyes and melt at the sight of their ear-to-ear smiles. They genuinely bring me happiness. And because I love these babies unconditionally, I also love their mother.
I had no road map on how to maneuver all of the twists and turns that come with dating a widowed father in a long-distance relationship. However, through every step of our journey together, I’ve always remember what the apostle Paul said in 1 Corinthians chapter 13, verses four through seven:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
This truth has guided me, made my heart pliable and molded me into the woman I need to be not only for myself but also for these three people who have captivated my heart.
Keisha Lynn is a clinical therapist with a master’s degree in social work, living in Michigan. In her clinical work of 15 years, she has focused on childhood attachment disorders, development disorders and mental health. In her spare time, she is a Lifestyle blogger, children’s book author, avid reader, musician, and entrepreneur. For more information, visit her website at justkeishalynn.com.